


Red Canyon Outlaw

by TheRedBandit



Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Zombie Apocalypse, Alternate Universe - No Zombies, Developing Relationship, M/M, Pining, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-18
Updated: 2017-03-07
Packaged: 2018-09-18 11:24:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 49,468
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9382541
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheRedBandit/pseuds/TheRedBandit
Summary: Rick Grimes is the sheriff's deputy of Red Canyon, a small southwest town. Negan is an ex-professional baseball player from California keen on making Red Canyon interesting. After Rick pulls Negan over for speeding, a relationship starts to form between the lawman and outlaw.





	1. Black Plymouth Valiant

**** A vision of a coyote crossing a desert road. Versions of a self not lived by the host. Cantines dry. Rick Grimes woke up with sweat glazed over his forehead. His bare legs moved in between the egyptian cotton sheets, a choice made by his late wife, Lori. He stared at the ceiling and breathed slowly. Each breath sharp. Rick Grimes was the sheriff's deputy. A not-so-glamorous-glamorous position. Everybody knew Rick Grimes. So when Lori died a few years back he had to suffer longer than anyone should. 

The 4am sky was dark...but a hazy light created a filter overtop it. It flooded into Rick’s bedroom, casting shadow on picture frames and unwashed laundry. He got out of bed and lingered there looking out of his window. Another day.

* * *

 

Shane Walsh flipped through the radio stations in his and Rick’s police cruiser. A partner more involved with the damn radio than the work. Not that there was much work. There was never much work these days. Rick felt a comfort in the ever changing stations. A voice here, a singer there. There was a world outside. People. Life. As Shane was about to switch the station again, a black car sped past their own. Rick smirked to himself. Too easy. The lights went on. Camera, Action.

The car was a black plymouth valiant, 1971, based on the movie Duel. But Rick didn’t know that yet. The driver was wearing a leather jacket and a red bandana...and had a grin like a fucking hyena. But Rick didn’t know that yet either.

“Do you know how fast you were going?” Rick asked, his southern drawl crooning into the driver side window. 

“No. But I’ve got a feeling it was pretty fucking fast.” The man grinned. Rick had never seen the devil in a man before, but he thought this came fucking close. “Just give me a ticket, darling. I’ve got places to fucking be.” 

Rick leered. “License and registration.”

The man handed Rick his driver’s license and car registration. 

“Wait here.” Rick said. 

“Don’t be long.” 

The leather seat of the police cruiser crinkled when Rick slumped down in it. Shane put his hand out his passenger window, the smoke from his lit cigarette meeting wind like a tornado. “Let’s give this jackass a big fat ticket.” He sneered.

“That’s the plan.” Rick laughed, scribbling something on a pad. “Plates?” 

“Dude’s gotten like, five fucking speeding tickets. Crashed into a beam last winter. Obviously fixed his car.” Shane said.

“Oh shit.” Rick breathed, looking at the driver’s license. “Wasn’t this guy a major league baseball player?” He asked, handing the license to Shane, who inspected it closer.

“Yeah.” Shane said. “I wouldn’t forget a name like Negan. That’s him.” Shane handed him back the license with two fingers. 

Rick’s feet met the gravel of the road. Each step echoing off the ground. Negan’s arm hung out the window, a leather glove coating his hand. Rick handed him back his id, along with a ticket.

“Don’t speed.” Rick said.

“Three-hundred dollars??” Negan spat, looking at the ticket. “What the fuck is that??” 

“You were getting close to a hundred miles per hour.”

“I’ve never gotten one this high before.” Negan growled, the ticket crunching in his hand.

“You’ve never met me before.” Rick said. 

Negan whistled and slid his tongue between his teeth. “No I most certainly have not.” 

“Don’t speed.” Rick reiterated and tapped the hood of the car before turning away.

“Woah woah.” Negan said, extending his arm out the window. Rick halted and looked back at Negan. “What’s your fucking name?”

“Rick Grimes.” 

“Mm...Rick Grimes.” Negan repeated, in a pseudo southern accent. “I’m Negan.”

“I know.” 

“Hm.” 

Negan watched Rick get back into the cruiser through his side mirror. He started the car and drove off, normal speed this time. Negan replayed the moment in his head and turned the radio on loud. He unbuckled his belt and slid his hand down his pants. Fucking hell. He’d have to speed more often. 

* * *

 

Rick and Shane were parked by another intersection. Desert roads on every side. Nothing to see. Not even tumbleweeds. Rick’s elbow leaned on the window frame, his fingers running over his mouth. He felt something. Rick blinked and his eyes focused on a hawk that had landed on roadkill. Torn muscle. Blood evaporated. And Rick couldn’t get that goddamn man’s smile out of his head. He hadn’t been with anyone since his wife. Hadn’t really wanted to. Or maybe he did. But just never felt right. Not that he felt right now. But he felt something. Something. He startled when Shane cheered. Sports.

“You okay?” He asked Rick, laughing at Rick’s shock. 

“Yeah. Just...lost in thought.” Rick lowered his hand from his face.

“You need to get fucking laid.” Shane said casually, turning on a music station.

Rick hummed a laughter and shrugged. “I’m not like you.” He said.

“Not like I USED to be. Minnie’s the real deal, alright? We’ve made it official.”

“Yeah? Going steady?” Rick joked.

“Yeah.”

“Really?” 

“Girlfriend, boyfriend.” Shane smirked. 

“Wow. Shit. Good for you.” 

“Bro you gotta just hook up with someone. Feel alive.” Shane nudged him on the shoulder.

Feel alive. ‘Darling, I’ve got places to fucking be. Darling...come home with me. Darling, darling, darling.’ Rick zoned out. What was with that guy? Why was he so fucking charming? A devil in man’s clothing. Rick’s hand gripped the steering wheel. The fuck was he feeling? Something. Right...something.

Negan was pulled off into a dusty gas station. His car parked awry alongside a pump. He rested an arm along the side of a vending machine and drank a cold can of Orange Crush. Two fucking dollars. What happened to cheap living anymore? Negan laughed to himself. He chucked the soda can towards the trash can. It missed. Oh well.

Negan got back into his car and turned the keys. He sped off, dirt flying up into the air. A trail of danger. The sun shone brightly. Full of possibility. Negan cackled to himself and swerved along the road. Now where the fuck was Rick Grimes?

Looking off from the road, Negan pulled out his cellphone and looked up the county’s sheriff department. He hit the call button that Google conveniently gave him. 

“Red Canyon Sheriff's Department, how may I help you?” A sweet voice said on the other line. 

“Yeah, hi, I was wondering if I could get Rick Grimes’ number?” 

“May I ask what for?” The girl asked hesitantly, like she could see the danger that was driving too fast down the desert road.

“He told me to give him a call about suspicious activity at my property. But then I realized I didn’t have his number. My bad.” Negan crooned, he removed a pen cap with his mouth, getting ready to write.

“Oh! Erm, okay.” 

As the girl gave him Rick’s number, he scrawled it along his steering wheel. Negan spun his car out into the desert. His head hit his seat gently and he switched off the radio. He typed in the number and waited patiently. 

Shane instinctively turned down the radio. “Yours.” He said.

Rick sighed and looked at his phone. No one he knew. Nothing he recognized. He answered it anyway.

“Hello?” 

“Hey darlin’.” 

Rick almost choked. “Who’s this?” He knew damn well who it was.

“Paradise Lounge. 10:30. Got it?” 

Silence. 

“How’d you get my number?” Rick finally asked.

“A sweet gal gave it to me from your office. Come on. You felt it.” Negan purred.

“Okay.” Rick said, and hung up. 

“Who was that??” Shane asked. Rick stared ahead. Who was that? 

“No one important.” Rick breathed, and put the police cruiser into drive and sped off.

* * *

 

“I’m going out.” Rick said to his son Carl, dropping keys onto a granite counter. The sound reverberated in his ears. Carl looked up from the tv, his baby sister in his lap. 

“Where are you going?” He asked. 

“I’m hanging with some of the guys.” Rick lied. “But I’ll probably be pretty late. Judith will already be put to bed before I’m gone so you don’t have to worry about babysitting or anything. Unless she wakes up.” 

Judith giggled on the couch as Carl nuzzled her head with his nose. “No problem, dad.” 

Rick smiled, but it faded. What the fuck was he doing? Feeling alive. Right. Rick walked into his bedroom and began to discard his work uniform. He settled on simple jeans and a grey long sleeved shirt. Time to wait.

Negan was driving. Of course. Radio blasting something sexy. To him at least. He drove back to his home. A small southwestern type rancher. Cacti in the yard, that kind of shit. The car beeped. He turned on the radio in his house to continue the song. Negan hummed and danced before stepping into the shower. He liked it hot as fuck. Could practically melt his skin off. But he felt like a new person after each shower.

* * *

 

What in the fucking hell was Rick Grimes doing parked outside the Paradise Lounge at 10:30pm? He didn’t know. But when that 1971 black Plymouth Valiant pulled into the lot he lost his breath. The car swerved around a spot, the driver side faced the front of Rick’s car, about 30 feet away. Negan flashed his lights. Rick turned his car off and sidled towards the Valiant. Negan leaned over and opened the passenger door before Rick got there. Rick sat down on the car’s bench seat. 

“Didn’t think you’d actually fucking come.” Negan mused, making Rick’s hair on the back of his neck stand up. 

“Me neither.” 

Negan’s laugh croaked and he started driving off. 

“Wait, where are we going?” Rick asked, looking back at the disappearing Paradise Lounge. 

“Chill out. Somewhere a little more private.” 

The Valiant took a 90 degree turn off the road into the bare desert. Negan drove for a little while longer before hitting the breaks. Rick clutched whatever he could to not be sent through the windshield. He didn’t notice Negan’s car didn’t have seatbelts. 

Negan turned the radio on. He scooted a little closer to Rick and grabbed his shirt. Rick let Negan kiss him hard and Negan used one hand to turn up the volume on the radio. Negan’s hand moved to Rick’s thigh and he gripped it. Rick couldn’t process. Negan moved his hand up Rick’s leg and grabbed his crotch. Rick breathed sharply. His hands instinctively covered Negan’s.

“Stop.” 

“What?” Negan looked at Rick. What?

“Stop. Get your hand off.” Rick demanded.

Negan pulled his hand away and held both up, like he was caught red handed. “The fuck?” 

Rick’s eyes darted along the interior of the car. He stared ahead and sat back. He breathed rapidly. “F-f-fuck. I haven’t done...I haven’t...it’s been a while.” 

“Kay? How long we talking?” Negan asked, resting his arm along the top of the seat.

“It’s been around...three years.”

“Three years???” Negan squinted. “What the fuck??? Why??”

“I never wanted anything after my wife died.” Rick said, looking at his hands.

“You’re wife...fucking died?” He asked.

“Childbirth.”

“Fuck, mine died too.” He shrugged.

Rick’s eyes shot up at Negan and then looked down, like he was remembering something. Like maybe he read about it in the paper. The guy used to be famous after all. Negan leaned back to Rick and started to bite his neck. Rick shoved him off.

“What the fuck are you doing??” Rick asked angrily. Eyes coated in invisible red.

“Shit man, what the fuck are we doing out here then??” Negan threw up his hands and leaned back towards his side of the car.

“That’s a good fucking question. Can you just drive me back?”

“You serious??” 

“Drive me the fuck back.” Rick growled. 

“You really don’t want to fuck or anything??” 

Rick shook his head. “Thought I could. But I’m not that kind of person. I don’t do hookups like this.” Rick’s voice was monotone and Negan thought he better drive him back now. 

Negan flipped Rick off when Rick got out of the car. He watched Rick leave the parking lot. Fuck that. Negan hit his steering wheel with his hand more times than he ought to. Rick drove wildly just trying to go home, going way faster than he ought to. 

Oh well.

* * *

 

“That was fast.” Carl said, still awake. Weekend.

“Hm...yeah I realized I was pretty tired.” 

Liar.

Rick stayed up late that night, tossing and turning. He kicked the sheets off. Why didn’t he just go through with it? Why did he never go through with it? He rested an arm over his eyes. Sighed deeply. Poisoned night. An IV dripping a devil’s voice into his mind. Fuck.

* * *

 

Another intersection. More roadkill. Dry air. Rick tapped mindlessly at the police cruiser steering wheel. Shane looked at his phone. Laughed. Texted. Laughed. Texted. Rick looked over.

“Minnie?” 

“Yeah. She’s crazy.” Shane smiled.

Rick smiled too. He was happy for Shane. He was. Mostly. Rick was messing with a toothpick, poking his teeth with it. Until a black mass sped past the cruiser. Shane looked up. 

“No fucking way.” He said. “That fucking guy again?”

Rick switched the lights on. Siren went wailing over and over.

“Want me to take this one?” Shane offered. 

Rick shook his head and stepped out of the car. He walked over to the Valiant, a thumb resting in a pant loop, the other hand held a pad of paper. The valiant’s window was rolled down and Rick leaned into the car.

“What the fuck are you doing?” Rick asked. 

“If I take you on a date do you think you’d be more comfortable doing all the other shit?” Negan muttered, almost like the offer wasn’t something he came up with himself. 

Rick’s mouth twitched. “Are you high?” 

Negan cackled. “A little bit, shit. You want to or not?” 

“Where?”

“Fuck I don’t know. Where do two middle aged men go on a fucking first date?” 

“You asked me. You come up with the fucking place, Mad Max.” Rick replied.

Negan howled with laughter. “It’s the leather jacket, isn’t it?”

“And the car. And the fucking speeding.” 

“Ever see Duel?” 

“No.”

Negan winced. “What the fuck?? You’ve never seen Duel??”

“No, what the fuck is Duel??” Rick scoffed.

Negan sighed dramatically. “Steven Spielberg. ‘71. A guy’s driving down desert roads and gets harrassed by a guy driving one of those big Peterbilt trucks, mean looking fucker. The dude’s got license plates of all the car’s he run off the road on the front. Anyway, that’s the whole movie. The guy being harassed drives a ‘71 red Plymouth Valiant. But I like black.”

“Shouldn’t you be driving the Peterbilt?”

“Ha-ha. I’ll text you a place, okay? And you better fucking stay this time.” Negan said, lifting his arm and shuffling around in his leather jacket pocket. He pulled out a box of cigarettes. Rick scribbled something on the pad, tore a piece of paper off, and handed it to Negan. “What the shit?? Why are you giving me a ticket?” 

“I wouldn’t if it was you and me on the road. But my partner back there is probably already wondering what I’m doing over here so long. Also, you were fucking speeding.” Rick said.

Negan whistled. “Look at you, doing your job n’ shit. Is it another three hundred dollar mother fucker?”

“A Hundred. Oh, and get some fucking seatbelts or I’m not setting foot in this fucking car.” 

“Fine. See ya around, darling.” And Negan grinned that fucking grin. He drove off. 

Rick sauntered over to the police cruiser and sighed when got in. “Tried to get himself out of it. Not a chance.” He said.

Shane laughed spitefully. “They always think they can talk us outta giving them a ticket.” 

Rick smirked. Take two. 

* * *

 

A few hours later Rick’s phone dinged. “Batting Cages. Off of Red Rock Drive. 8pm. Down?” 

“Down.” Rick replied, his fingers hitting send. 

“Who was that?” Shane asked suspiciously. He was eating McDonald’s fries.

Rick took a sip of his shake. “A person.” 

Shane rolled his eyes. “Yeah.” 

Rick shrugged. “A date.” 

Shane punched Rick in the shoulder. “Hell yeah!! Rick Grimes back in the game!”

“Don’t get excited. It’s casual.”

“Ohhhh.” Shane grinned. “I gotcha.”

Rick shook his head and stole some of Shane’s fries. “Jackass.” 

* * *

 

Carl brought his dinner plate over the sink and began washing it off. “Are you nervous?” He asked.

Rick rested an elbow on the kitchen table. “I guess. Are you okay with this? I mean, honestly, it’s probably not gonna be much of a date.” 

“What does that mean?” Carl asked, grimacing.

“Oh.” Rick closed his eyes. “No, gross. I meant it’s just...I don’t know. I don’t really know if it’s really something that will go past one date.” Rick didn’t know what the fuck was coming out of his mouth. What the fuck WAS coming out of his mouth? Date?? It wasn’t a date. It was a hangout session before a fucking session. Because Rick was a fucking novice. 

“Then why even go on it?” 

“I don’t know. It has the potential to be fun. I won’t be out late.” 

“Can Enid come over?” 

“Yeah.” Rick replied. It was the least he could do. If Carl knew what he was doing he’d probably die. No one should know their dad’s going to have a one night fucking stand. With some older, dangerous looking, smartass guy. 

* * *

 

Rick pulled onto Red Rock Drive. An old song was on the radio. Something about romance. The gravel of the batting cage parking lot crunched under Rick’s tires. He found the Valiant and parked next to it. Door closed. Car locked. Rick put his hands in his jeans pockets. He found Negan already swinging. The air was warm.

“Still got it?” Rick asked, slipping into the cage and grabbing a bat. 

“Fuck. I don’t fucking know.” Negan rolled his shoulder. “I turned 50 this year. Fucking hell.”

“Shit. Old.” 

Negan slid his tongue in between his teeth. Fuck. “How old are you, darling?” 

A shiver went through Rick’s spine. “41.” 

Negan laughed and leaned back. “Spring chicken. My wife was in her thirties. Maybe I got a pattern problem.” 

“I’ve got the opposite of a pattern problem.” Rick said, causing Negan to laugh again. “So what do you do for work?”

“Absolutely fucking nothing. Retired around your age. Did a lot with Lucille. My wife. She died about a year and a half ago. And I’ve been drifting ever since.” He said with a smile. “And fucking.” Negan hit a ball and the metal bat went flying out of his hand. “Shit. You give it a try.” 

Rick held up his bat and swung. Not as fast as Negan. But not bad. Negan whistled behind him.

“You’re body looked fucking good doin’ that.” He purred.

Rick looked behind him. “You wear that fuckin’ thing all the time? And that bandana?” 

“It’s my look.” 

“Hm.” 

“What.”

“It’s a good look.” 

Negan smirked and rocked back. “Oh darling, I’m swooning.” He walked smoothly over to Rick. “So what’s your story? Other than the wife and cop thing.” 

“2 Kids. Teenager, toddler. Golden boy of the whole fucking town. Everyone knows me and thinks I’m a real saint. So, uh. This is between us.” 

“Yeah no shit. I can still get bad press you know. And I’m kind of hoping to get into the fucking Hall of Fame one day.”

“I remember your wife dying. It was in all the papers.”

Negan smiled viciously. “Yeah. I know.”

“Was it hard? Finding out about her affair?” 

“Not so much. She was dying. And I loved her and I couldn’t be mad at her. I could tell she regretted it. My fucking ex-teammate? Fuck. I nearly killed him. Lived though. Played for a different team after that. Fucker. Was never much good after I got to him.” Negan hit another ball. “People make mistakes. Me and Lucille weren’t communicating at the time she did it. I get it. But I thought that guy was my friend back when I was on the team y’know? And he should have said no. But, whatever. Anyhow, the press had a fucking field day. I’ve been laying low ever since. Doing occasional sports stuff to preserve somewhat of an image. But I like my life now. And I don’t need journalist fucks in my business anymore. So, what’s the rest of you story?” 

“I’m boring.” Rick said dryly. “I sit all day in the police cruiser and do nothing until this one guy speeds in some stupid black car.” Rick swung the bat and missed the ball. God damn it. 

“You’re a fucking flirt.” 

“Well, I did manage to get married. Can’t really get that far without excelling at flirting.” Rick hit a ball that time. It echoed against the cage. Rattling. 

“You know. I never take people on dates.” Negan said.

“I never go on dates.” 

Negan bit his lip. “You feel that?”

Rick turned off the pitching machine and put the bat against his shoulder. “Feel what?”

“...Something.” 


	2. Creosote Viewpoint

Night had officially fallen. The sound of baseballs hitting across metal bats filled the air for almost two hours. Negan was the first to put his bat down. He took out a cigarette. The box caught in the pocket of his leather jacket. He rolled his shoulders. After lighting it, he let out the smoke, and looked at Rick. Sultry.

“Feelin’ comfortable?” 

Rick swallowed hard and leaned against the fencing. “Maybe.” He said. Quietly. He shouldn’t have said it quietly. Not a lot of people intimidate him. And Negan was less so after their conversations. But Rick still felt the pressure. Still felt the fear. 

“Maybe?” Negan repeated and drew in a long breath of the cigarette. He exhaled it through his nose. “Come on.” Negan flicked his head as he walked past Rick. The cigarette discarded. Hands in jacket pockets. Keys emerged. Car unlocked. Headlights flashed.

Rick got into Negan’s Valiant. “Seatbelts.” Rick said, noticing the new accessory. He buckled in. Something told him he better.  

Negan sped off into the desert again. It was a different view than before. Rock structures, desert foliage, stars. Negan stopped the car, leaned his arm over the back of the seat, and looked at Rick. “We doing this?”

Rick stared ahead, like a deer. “Yes.” He didn’t move, like a deer.

“You have to unbuckle your seatbelt first, darling. And your other belt.” He mused.

Rick shook as he unbuckled the seatbelt. Negan grabbed his wrist. Rick whipped his head up. Negan turned on the radio and leaned in to whisper. “Don’t be nervous, darling...I’ll give you what you should have gotten by now.” 

Rick breathed shallow. Red filtered over his skin when he felt his pants tighten. He heard Negan laugh. He didn’t see anything. His eyes were closed. Negan was gripping his crotch and kissing his neck. Rick’s hand grabbed Negan’s, but he took it off and let Negan keep touching him. Negan moved to Rick’s face and then his mouth. Kissing him aggressively. Rick couldn’t breathe. Along the way Rick had moved his body onto the seat, letting Negan straddle him in the tiny space of the car. 

“You didn’t unbuckle your belt yet.” Negan said hoarsely. 

“You didn’t give me the chance.” Rick said shakily. He was about to but Negan was already removing it. The radio hummed. Negan slid his hand down Rick’s unzipped pants and Rick jolted. “Fuck!” He breathed. 

“Alright, darling, turn over.” 

“What?” 

Negan slid his tongue between his teeth. “This isn’t a second base kinda date.” He giggled to himself, the intimidating facade breaking just a tiny bit. “Baseball joke. Lucille hated when I did that. Now turn the fuck over.” 

Rick didn’t move. He wanted to. But he couldn’t. His mind flashing images of all the good Rick has done thus far. Of the reputation he held. If anyone he knew saw him now...fuck...it’d be a mess. “I don’t like this station.” 

Negan exhaled sharply through his nose. “What?” He asked. 

“I-I don’t like this music.” 

Negan flipped the station. Nope. Negan flipped it again. Not this one. Negan flipped it a third time. No. Negan sighed and tugged Rick’s shirt up, exposing his skin. Rick started laughing uncontrollably. 

“S-stop!” He yelled through laughter, but Negan’s fingers kept tickling him. 

“I’ll stop when you stop stalling.” Negan crooned.

“Okay, okay!” Rick caught his breath after Negan stopped. “Fuck, I’m just…I’ve only ever been with my wife.”

The Valiant was filled with silence other than the radio. Somewhere outside a coyote passed by. Orange dirt was encased with an absence of color. 

“Well,” Negan started. “Don’t I feel like a fucking sinner. You really are a saint. Look, I’m not gonna cry about it if you bail. Again.” 

“I’m not bailing. I’m just...explaining. It might not be...just don’t...be an asshole if it’s…” Rick couldn’t finish his sentence.

“I’m not gonna be a fucking douche if you’re rusty.” Negan replied. “If anything it just turns me on more.” He growled. 

Rick flushed. He brought his hands down to his pants and started sliding them off. Negan pulled them over his feet. He grabbed Rick’s underwear and ripped them down the middle, exposing Rick. 

“The fuck??” Rick questioned, watching Negan throw his underwear in the backseat. 

“We were getting too suburban.” Negan said. “Fuck, Rick.” He bit his lip and looked at Rick. “Alright, let’s go.” Negan unbuckled his own belt and shimmied his pants down to his thighs. Rick wondered how many times he’d lose his breath. “I know.” Negan purred. “Lucille loved it.” 

Rick turned over, Negan grabbed his hips and pulled him closer. Negan leaned over to Rick’s ear. “One sec, darling. Even though you’re squeaky clean, I’ll still use protection.” 

Rick felt the heat from the car all at once and sweat formed on his forehead and neck. He stared at the passenger door in front of him. Negan fumbled around the car. Rick heard him open a lid. Rick shivered when Negan’s hands returned to his hips. 

Rick stared blankly ahead when he felt Negan’s dick slide into him. Negan fucking laughed. “Shit Rick, you’re tense as fuck.” Negan leaned his body over Rick’s again. “Relax.” He whispered, and grabbed Rick’s cock. Rick gasped and felt his body shake. He lowered his head and tried to relax. Negan thrusted into him and lifted himself back to his original position. Rick breathed slowly. Negan began to move his hips faster, nearly sending Rick into the passenger door with each push. Rick’s arms collapsed under him. He heard Negan flicking a lighter. A window was opened, but Rick smelled the smoke immediately. Rick hit into the door as Negan’s hips moved forward. “Sorry, babe.” He heard Negan mutter through a mouth holding a cigarette. Rick turned his head back and looked at Negan. Negan grinned, biting the cigarette. He winked. Rick’s head lowered onto the seat and he let out a moan. Negan growled. Negan thrusted one last time into Rick and Rick let out a hoarse yell. Negan followed after, uttering a low moan. He threw the cigarette out the window and pulled off his condom, tossing that out too. He lifted his pants back up. Rick lied still. 

“Held out longer than I thought.” Negan said. He leaned over the seat and grabbed a piece of Rick’s underwear that he threw in the back. “Came all over my seat.” He hummed, using Rick’s underwear as a rag. 

Rick finally snapped back to reality. He sighed and let his whole body meet the leather seat. Three fucking years. He closed his eyes.

“Shit Rick, I got a poison dick or somethin’? Or did I just change your fucking world.” 

Rick ignored him. A smile twitching on the corners of his mouth. Outside the cacti and creosote bushes were cooling down in the desert moonlight. Nothing moved even as the small breeze came through. Everything was still. A 1971 black Plymouth Valiant lie bathed in navy. The cigarette burned out on the ground. Rick exhaled and sat up. He grabbed his pants from the floor of the car. The two sat there. Silence. Radio static. Insects outside somewhere. The buzz of summer. Negan shifted in his seat. Rick rolled down the passenger window and let his arm hang. The air cooled what the car didn’t. 

“So, you gonna call me like a normal person next time or am I going to have to keep giving you speeding tickets?” Rick finally spoke. Eyes met Negan’s. 

“Already can’t get enough?” Negan grinned. Hyena.

“We keep our dates outside of town.” Rick said, grabbing the box of cigarettes from the dash and taking Negan’s lighter. Flick.

“Oh, so we’re dating?”

Rick inhaled the smoke, then exhaled. “Unofficial dating. Secret.”

“What are we, Romeo and Juliet?” Negan said hoarsely. 

“Might as well be.” Rick flicked the ashes off his cigarette. They landed in the dirt. “I’m not a hollow fuck.” 

Negan flinched. “I don’t want you to be. But I’m not...fucking date material.”

“It’s unofficial. You’re not meeting my kids. Or my friends. And I’m not holding your hand through the town square. But I like you. I think I fucking deserve to have something for a chance.” Rick flicked the cigarette again and inhaled smoke sharply. 

“You always turn into a badass after someone screws your brains out?” Negan’s voice was low and he took Rick’s cigarette from his fingers. Negan inhaled. Smoke warped over Rick’s body. “Alright, darling. We can go steady.” 

Rick smirked to himself. A conversation he had with Shane. Going steady. Sure. If fucking in a hot car in a dark desert is steady. Negan drove the Valiant back to the batting cages. The parking lot dim and desolate. Minus Rick’s car. Rick put his hand on the door handle. Negan grabbed his shirt and pulled him close. Negan stuck his tongue in Rick’s mouth and kissed him. He pulled away.

“Bye, darling.” 

“What should I name you in my phone?” Rick asked.

“Ne..gan?” 

“No dumbass. Shane sometimes picks my phone up before I do. He knows you. Pick a name. Preferably a woman’s name. I’m not ready for that conversation yet.” Rick explained. 

“Hm.” Negan tapped the steering wheel. “Beatrix.”

“Beatrix?” 

“Yeah.” 

“Okay.” Rick typed into his phone. “See ya around. Don’t fucking speed.” 

“Got it.”

Rick turned on his car. It was just before midnight. He rolled down all four windows. Johnny Cash played over the radio. The Valiant was gone. Rick felt alive. Realized that the past few years have been a lie. A false reality. He had been a zombie, regardless of whatever “happiness” he sold himself. This was something new. Something that made him feel like he was an individual again and not everyone’s neighborhood cop. When he got home he saw Carl walking towards the stairs. 

“So?” Carl raised his eyebrows.

“It went okay.” Rick replied.

“Are you going to see her again? It’s okay.” 

Rick couldn’t help but laugh. “Maybe.”

“What’s her name?” 

“...Beatrix.” Rick hated lying. But it was for the best. Rick had to keep up the cookie cutter act. It’d be different if he didn’t have children. Or wasn’t so well known. But he did. And he was. And dating an ex-major league baseball player who may or may not be Satan himself was not exactly...cookie cutter. For a suburban dad, anyway. 

“Alright, well, goodnight.” Carl said, climbing the stairs. 

Rick went to the kitchen and opened a beer. He leaned against the counter. He faced the fridge. And looked at a picture of him and Lori. Shit. The guilt washed over him. It was mostly just the lying. The other stuff wasn’t guilt-inducing. It was the fucking 21st century after all. But he wasn’t seeing another dad. Or a buddy like Shane. He was seeing some random out of towner. He had to lie. For everyone’s sake. And a part of him just wanted something for himself. He didn’t get Lori’s death. Everyone got it. Everyone fucking got it. Bothered him with dinners. Handouts. Card after fucking card. Get-togethers. They meant well. But Jesus. Let a man grieve. 

Rick finished the beer and went to his bedroom. He showered and got into bed. The moonlight cast a square of light on the left side of the room. It moved slowly to the right before disappearing all together. Rick got up. Holy fucking shit. Rick sat upright in the bed. His legs hurt like a motherfucker. He stepped off onto the cool carpet. He slumped forward. Jesus Christ. His entire lower half was sore as fuck. Rusty.

* * *

 

After dropping Judith off at daycare he drove to the Red Canyon Sheriff’s Department building. He tried to hide his discomfort. The building was quaint. Decorated in southwestern motifs. The receptionist, a girl named Beth Greene, was writing in a notebook. Her older sister, Maggie, lived with her fiance Glenn Rhee across the street from Rick. Everyone was connected. He could go on and on. Shane waltzed into the office, dropping a bag of fast food breakfast on his and Rick’s joint desk. 

“How was your date?” Shane questioned. He sat down across from Rick and opened the bag. 

Rick winced when he moved. “It was good.” 

A phone beeped. “Yours.” Shane said. 

Rick picked his phone up from the desk. Beatrix. ‘When can I see you next?’

Rick put the phone down. He’d have to think about that one. 

“Hello?” Shane waved his hand in front of Rick. “Was that her?” A smile flashed across his face. “We should double date.”

“No.” Rick’s heart skipped a beat. “No, it’s not like that yet.” 

“Alright. So did you guys…?” 

“Mmhm.”

“Really???” Shane grinned ear to ear. “Fuck yeah!” 

Rick shrugged, but his smirk was cunning. He probably should keep it vague, but messing with Shane made the days fun. The cabana-style ceiling fan swirled air around them. “Hurry and eat your shit breakfast. We got a lot of work to do.” 

Rick and Shane looked at each other. Then began to laugh hard. What a joke. Nothing interesting ever happened in this town. No one interesting ever came through this town. Except for the fucker who drives the Valiant. Yeah. Him.

* * *

 

“Alright, man. Tell me some details.” Shane said. Their view was of a single dirt road. Sometimes people came through here. Fast. But only sometimes. 

“There’s not much to tell. We fucked. That’s it.” Rick put on his sunglasses. It was bright as fuck.

“What’s her body like?” Shane poked. 

Rick shot him a laser look through his sunglasses. “Strong.”

“So this was...this was the first time you’ve done anything since Lori...right?” Shane rested his side against his seat. He picked up his soda. 

“Yeah.” 

“Was it okay?” 

Rick couldn’t be annoyed. Shane cared. A lot. And while he teased...a lot, he didn’t want anyone to hurt Rick. Or make Rick feel inferior. Rick nodded. “It was...fucking...rad.” Rick stumbled.

“Rad?” Shane cracked up. “Sorry I forgot it was the 90’s. So you seeing her again?” 

“Yeah, probably this weekend. Shit, forgot to text her.” He took out his phone from his pants pocket and began to type. ‘How’s Saturday, 8pm sound? If I can get home before midnight then I’m good.’ He wasn’t going to leave his children home alone past midnight. Or just forget about them. Pace. Keep the pace. Rick’s phone beeped immediately. 

“Damn, she was waiting for that text.” Shane let out a laugh.

Rick looked at the phone. ‘Where we going?’ Negan sent. 

‘Bar outside of town. Named Rovia’s.” 

‘Cool.’

Rick put the phone back in his pocket. 

* * *

 

“So you’re seeing someone?” Maggie asked him the following day while the two got their mail. Dry day. As always.

“Beth?”

“She hears all.” Maggie chimed. “But that’s great, Rick.”

“It’s just casual.” Rick dug his fingers into his hair. “I’m just...testing waters.” 

“Well if you ever need a babysitter, if Carl’s out too, I’m here.” 

Rick nodded. Maggie was family. And not just because she shared the same southern accent as him. But coming from Georgia like Rick helped form the bond. Rick had a large family. A family of misfits and neighbors and coworkers. It was nice. When Rick had nothing to hide. Rick walked back inside his house, discarding the junk mail in the foot pedal trash can. Rick’s cell phone rang. Fucking Beatrix.

“Hello?” Rick answered.

“I’m bored.” Negan’s voice came through clear as ice. 

“Get a job.” 

“Gross.”

“A hobby.”

“I have a hobby.” Negan said and Rick could see that fucking grin from here. 

“You have to do something more than once for it to be a hobby.” Rick leaned on the counter.

“Interesting you say that.” 

“Saturday. You’ll live.” 

“Barely.” 

Negan and Rick ended their conversation. Negan was drinking orange soda in his car, parked outside a diner. Fucking Sunkist. Orange Crush was better. Orange Crush, Sunkist, then Fanta. Negan scanned the horizon. Red Canyon was beautiful and boring at the same fucking time. He put the can of soda in the cup holder and put his car in drive. The Valiant sped off. 


	3. Desert Dirt

Judith was at Maggie’s. Carl at Enid’s. Rick kept telling himself he was doing the same damn thing as Carl. Getting involved with someone off the beaten path. They could both make their mistakes together. Rick drove out of town. The roads quiet and calm. Rick’s eyes darted to his rearview mirror when he heard a loud rumbling from the car that came up behind him. The fucking Valiant. Negan swerved over into the other lane and pulled in front of Rick. Rick flipped him off. They parked in Rovia’s lot. Side by side.

“Damn, Rick.” Negan said, flicking a cigarette onto the ground. “No one’s ever seen me twice before. Hope that makes you feel fucking special.” 

“You been with a lot of people?” Rick asked. 

“Yeah. A lot.” 

Negan and Rick sat at the bar, ordered two beers and dinner. Rock music played. Sports were on tv. The place was packed. 

“What do people do on dates?” Negan asked. 

“What did you and your wife do?” 

Negan laughed to himself. “I guess we just did this.” 

“Then there you go. It’s just sitting and talking. Walking and talking. Seeing a movie and trying not to talk. Seeing a movie and trying to pay attention. It’s simpler than it seems.” Rick took a swig of his beer. “The only thing that makes a date a date is if you want to be with the other person romantically or sexually or both.” 

“Romantically.” Negan mused. “Is that what you’re looking for?”

“I’m looking for nothing.” Rick replied.

“Good because you shouldn’t expect anything. Well, except for one thing.” Negan leaned his elbows on the bar counter. “Well, fuck, I don’t know. Wanna just see where this fucking thing takes us?” 

“That was my plan.” Rick said. 

“I’m not a cuddler. Or nothing like that. So don’t get it in your head that we-”

“I haven’t known you for a full week. I’m good.” 

“Good.” Negan growled. “So uh, what’s the plan after this?” 

“I don’t know. I guess your car.”

“Wow, don’t sound so thrilled next time.” Negan rolled his eyes. He tugged a little at his red bandana, habit. 

“Do you know much pain I’m fucking in from your car?”

“That wasn’t the car’s fault darlin’.” Negan grinned and drank his beer. 

“It was partially the car.” Rick mumbled. “But speaking of, can we just, I need...uh.” Rick stumbled over his words. “Can we keep it light?” 

Negan bit his lip, Rick looked away. “Can’t take an advil?” Rick didn’t say anything. Negan’s smile faded. “Shit, you don’t...you don’t have to be embarrassed or anything. I can be a lot for people to handle. We can keep it light.” 

“Thanks.” Rick chugged the rest of his drink. “You have more...protection right? For later. Not tonight.” Rick cleared his throat.

Negan let out a hoarse laugh. “Yes.” 

“Good. I don’t wanna know what dark corners you’ve been in.” Rick said and ate some of his fries.

“I got paperwork if you need it. But you didn’t ask about that the first time.” Negan said.

“Hm.” Rick stared ahead.

Negan wiped his hands with a napkin and threw it down. “If you don’t wanna do this anymore I get it. Got your midlife crisis outta the way. I won’t be offended.” 

Rick blinked and looked at Negan. “No. It’s just…” Any word that was going to come out of Rick Grimes’ mouth was going to sound stupid and embarrassing. And he didn’t want to explain why he was so hesitant all the time. Fear. Motherfucking fear. Felt like he had trigger finger. 

“You’re different, Rick Grimes.” 

Rick only looked at him.

“Kinda make me wanna hold your hand.”

“You just said you don’t do that shit.” Rick replied.

“I was lying.” Negan hummed. “Look, I don’t see you as the other people I’ve fucked since my wife...so if that helps...I don’t fucking know. You make me feel fucking giddy.” Negan grinned. Satan. “I still wanna fuck your brains out though.” 

Rick’s eyes darted around the space he shared with Negan, but everyone else was so preoccupied in their own worlds that no one heard him. Rick looked at Negan.

“Okay.” 

Negan’s mouth twitched. “Okay?....Shit, okay.”

Rick and Negan finished hanging out at the bar. Rick followed Negan outside. The Valiant chirped. Negan turned to face Rick. “Follow my car, kay?” 

“Yeah.” Rick nodded, and got into his own. He followed Negan’s car down another goddamn dirt road. Negan turned into the desert and Rick wondered what kind of damage his tires were gonna get if they did this every time. At least he was experiencing nature, right? Rick’s car slowed down. The Valiant’s tail lights shining red ahead. Rick felt something stir inside him. It was their bar conversation. Was this going to be more? He knew it had to at least be a little more, he wasn’t in the market to just fuck and run. Maybe friends with benefits. Fuck buddy? Rick didn’t know what he was doing. But maybe it didn’t matter. Maybe he could just do whatever the fuck he wanted. 

Rick stepped out of his car. Before he could reach Negan’s, Negan stepped out too. Four feet on the desert dirt. The night was cooling down. Negan leaned against the Valiant. Letting Rick walk over to him.

“Me first.” Negan said.

“What?” Rick stopped, a few feet away from Negan. 

Negan lifted his head to the sky. One leg stretched outward. Arms crossed. “On your knees, Grimes. I’ll guide ya through it.” Negan said as he pulled his belt off.

Rick felt himself sweat. He looked back at his car for a moment. Maybe this was all a mistake. Maybe being in a dark car and facing a passenger door was the only way he could do anything with Negan. Rick turned back around when Negan said his name. 

“You don’t want me to wreck your body, ‘keeping it light’ means we suck each other’s dicks, alright?” Negan said.

Rick didn’t move. Why did he do this? Not move. He felt his head get hot. He wasn’t ready for this. He didn’t know what to say. He had gone too long without doing this kind of thing that he lost all ability to be confident. Maybe Shane was right all along. Maybe he should have just hooked up or gone out with any of the people Shane had lined up for him. Then he’d be ready for this. But he didn’t. And he wasn’t. Rick just fucking stood there.

Negan’s expression changed. His eyes shifted. “Rick...it’s okay. I can wait.” And Rick wondered why the fuck the devil was being so nice. “However,” Hyena grin. “I’m perfectly fine just getting you off.”

Rick whispered ‘okay’ and Negan pulled him closer. Negan kissed Rick and grabbed his hair. Rick grabbed his leather jacket. Negan stepped so that Rick was leaning against the car. Rick felt Negan’s mouth leave his and watched Negan kneel on the ground. Negan unhooked Rick’s belt but didn’t bother pulling it out of his pant loops. Rick stared ahead at the desert scene and breathed sharply when Negan put his mouth on his cock. After Rick started to moan, Negan couldn’t help but shove his hand down in his own pants. His other hand was holding onto Rick’s hip. Rick found his fingers going to Negan’s hair. Rick didn’t last long. Negan pulled away and immediately got up to kiss Rick. His hand still in his pants. Negan’s lips pulled away from Rick as he moaned. His hand emerged from his pants and he laughed.

“Fuck, Rick. I haven’t had fun like this in a while. And my last hookup was with a fucking 24 year old gymnast.” He laughed a goofy laugh. “But she has nothing on the deputy dad.”

Rick shoved him playfully. “I don’t believe that. I feel like I’m…” But Rick didn’t know what he even wanted to say.

“You’re getting back into the swing of things, Rick.” Negan said, pulling out his cigarettes. He wiped his mouth before putting one in. “I’m old enough to understand that things take fucking time.” He lit it. Smoke polluted the air.

Rick fixed his pants and Negan reached for the belt he had thrown on the ground earlier. “What time is it?” Negan asked.

Rick took out his phone from his back pocket. “A little past ten.” He said.

“Cool, wanna sit in the car and make out to the radio?” Negan said, inhaling smoke. And Negan didn’t care how high school that sounded.

Rick shrugged. “Yeah.” 

* * *

 

Over the course of the next week Rick made sure to spend as much time with Carl and Judith as humanly possible. He didn’t know if it was the guilt or the anxiety. He had never hid anything from anybody in his life. Other than snacks. He had a clean record. But now he was hooking up with an ex-professional baseball player who beat the shit out of an old teammate and left town to Red Canyon. When Rick thought of love or connection after Lori, this was the last thing he imagined. Hell, his neighbor Jessie Anderson was what he thought he’d find. Another Lori. Rick was less concerned with the gender of the new outlaw in town than he was with the outlaw himself. He couldn’t stop mulling it over. Felt like he was in confession constantly. Kneeling at the altar. But there was no heavenly father. 

He was acting like a college student. Negan was acting like a college student. But what do you have when you lose your wife? Nothing. Nothing but a place among all the other suckers who suffered the same fate. Still, Rick wanted to continue his affair in hell. It was different. And it was his. Why couldn’t he just separate his lives, though? It doesn’t work that way. There’s only one life. And it all bleeds and it all has probable cause to hurt. 

Rick wondered how Carl would react, if for some reason, he ever found out. Probably just confusion. It’s not like Rick ever talked about his sexuality. But he was generally open about accepting Carl for whatever he may or may not be. And Carl seemed open too. But Negan was a stranger. And his personality...no one would understand what Rick saw in him. Rick didn’t even know for sure. 

A lawman and an outlaw aren’t supposed to “date.” 

But fuck it.

“Beatrix” blew up Rick’s phone throughout the week. Rick felt kind of good about that. He liked when people needed him more than he needed them. He also found it oddly sweet. That Rick wasn’t just a phase. Rick was trying hard to keep at least some distance between them. Pace. 

Late one night, about a week after their second desert date, Rick was lying in bed trying to fall asleep. His phone started to ring. 

“It’s late.” 

“So? I wanted to hear your voice.”

“Clingy much?” Rick smirked.

“Fuck off. You’ve got me wrapped around your finger, Grimes.” Negan said, in annoyance. “When the fuck am I gonna get to fuck you again?” 

Rick tensed up. “Whenever I goddamn want you to.” 

“Hmpf.” 

“Hmpf? Are you five?” 

“Fuck Rickkkk. You owe me big time. Can I at least get a fucking hand job from you at some point?” 

Rick laughed quietly. “Maybe.” 

“You and goddamn maybe.” 

“Alright, what are you doing Tuesday night? My kids are going over my brother’s house, I’ll be free.”

“Rick, I’m never doing anything, remember? I’m fucking retired and living the fucking dream.” 

“You know, why the fuck am I paying for my own dinner and beer? You’re rich, right? Can’t buy me a fucking drink?” Rick scoffed.

“Oh darling, don’t even toy at the idea of me bein’ your fuckin’ sugar daddy.” 

“Well, you are old.”

“I’m in my fucking prime.”

“Okay then.”

“Hm. That could be hot though, huh?” Negan growled.

“Nah.” Rick sighed. “I’m too suburban, remember?”

“You’re killing me, Grimes.” 

* * *

 

When the weekend hit, Rick was taking Carl and Judith to the movies. He was finding a place to park. The sun was close to setting.

“So how’s everything with...Beatrix?” Carl asked. Hesitation seeped into his words. Curiously treading lightly. 

“It’s going...good.” Rick shrugged. Like he always did. 

“Is it?”

“It’s kind of just...casual, remember? I’m just taking it one day at a time.” 

“Okay.” Carl responded, satisfied enough. 

Rick was holding Judith while he and Carl waited in the line. Goddamn Saturday. Crowded. They were outside the doors. Rick tapped his foot on the ground and hummed to Judith. Until he heard his name called out by the devil.

If Rick was a wild animal, he would have reared at the sound of his name. Instead, he just turned around, wide eyed, watching Negan saunter over to him and his family. 

“Rick!!! Funny running into you here.” Negan said, shoving his hands into his jacket pockets.

“H-hey, Negan.” Rick’s eyes shifted. Silence.

“Gonna introduce me to your family?” Negan’s eyes were lit up, a wide smile was plastered on his face.

“Oh uh, yeah. This is Carl, my son, and Judith, my daughter.” Rick said quickly. 

“Hi.” Carl replied. “Say hi Judith.” He tugged at her toes.

“Hi!!” Judith squealed, laughing and waving at Negan.

“Well hello sweetheart.” Negan grinned. “It’s lovely meeting you.” Judith laughed.

“What are you doing here?” Rick asked, hoping it didn’t sound too cautious.

“I was gonna see that new Hugh Jackman movie. What are you here for?” Negan asked.

“The new Disney movie.” Rick said, he didn’t even know the damn title. 

“Oh...maybe I’ll join you.”

Rick shot him a look. 

“Who are you?” Carl interrupted.

Rick and Negan both looked down at Carl. 

“I mean, sorry, I just...know all my dad’s friends.” Carl explained. 

The line moved.

“I’m new in town, kid.” Negan answered.

“Negan used to be a professional baseball player. Played for the California Saviors.” Rick said, almost a little too proudly. He didn’t know the fuck why. 

“Woah, really??” Carl’s eyes lit up. And Rick almost felt the invisible man choking him lessen his grip.

“Damn straight-oh, I mean, yeah.” Negan chuckled to himself.

“Carl plays baseball.” Rick said. “He has a summer season going on right now.”

“Really?” Negan grinned. “Hey maybe I’ll stop by one of your games and give you some pointers after.” 

“That’d be cool.” Carl said. Rick noticed Carl’s enthusiasm. He didn’t see it often. But it was there now. 

The line moved.

“Wait, aren’t you the guy who beat up Dwight Austin?” Carl asked calmly. 

Rick stopped breathing, he shifted his eyes slowly towards Negan. Rick’s heart felt cold when a devilish smile broke out on Negan’s face. 

“Yeah, I am.” 

“He really cheated on your wife?” 

“Yep. Years prior, before I retired.” 

“That sucks.” Carl replied.

“It does. It did.” Negan tugged at his bandana. “Sorry that’s your only knowledge of me. I was pretty awesome back in my day.” 

Carl, Rick, and Negan didn’t have a moment to say anything else. They had made it to the box office. When the girl asked what they were seeing, Negan interjected, and pulled out his wallet.

“Four for Finding Dory.” Negan didn’t blink.

Rick stared at the back of his goddamn head like another deer. Negan didn’t even look at the movie list. Negan turned around after getting the tickets. 

“I’m gonna treat the Grimes family, tonight.” He smirked and gestured for them to follow.

Rick didn’t know what he felt. Carl didn’t seem threatened, hell he was practically challenging the guy earlier. Judith didn’t have a care in the world. It was just Rick. Rick fucking Grimes. He felt his palms get sweaty. Carl sat next to Judith, who sat next to Rick, who sat next to Negan. Negan got them popcorn and drinks and Carl embarrassingly told Negan how Rick always made them sneak in food instead of buying anything. Rick got out something about it being “a rip off” before Negan laughed and called Rick “cheap.”

The movie started playing. And Rick suddenly thought back to their conversation at the bar. “Seeing a movie and trying not to talk. Seeing a movie and trying to pay attention.” Rick watched Negan out of his peripheral. He was laughing at the movie, totally focused. Meanwhile Rick might as well have been in a sauna. The theater was packed. They sat in the very back. A screen illuminating small portions of the audience. Rick almost dropped his popcorn when he felt Negan squeeze his thigh. 

Rick moved his hand from the popcorn bucket and dug his nails into Negan’s hand. Negan pulled away sharply, hissing something quietly. A few minutes went by. More laughter. Negan coughed and Rick looked over. His hand was resting under the armrests between them, hidden in the dark, his palm open. Rick looked back to the screen. Negan coughed again. He closed and opened his hand rapidly. Rick took it with his own. What the fuck was happening? 

* * *

 

On the way home, Rick’s neck was locked, he stared forward. Darkness on all sides of the road. Carl turned down the radio. 

“So that guy was really a baseball player?” He asked.

“Yeah, he won the Saviors their first World Series back in...98 or 99. It was when he beat our team.” Rick smirked. He remembered those days. The California Saviors versus the Georgia Roamers. Rick didn’t pay too much attention to Negan back in the day, but he definitely remembered yelling at him through the TV as he crushed Rick’s team. Maybe if Rick wasn’t so bitter he would have watched the interviews and coverage of the Saviors afterwards. But his team lost, so he didn’t really care.

“Wow.” Carl replied. “When did you meet him anyway?” 

“Only a couple weeks ago.” Rick said. 

“So his wife died….like mom.” 

“Mmhm.” 

The rest of the ride was silent. 


	4. Saguaro Distance

**** Rick stood in his shower. Midnight striking somewhere outside. A round moon hung proudly in place. Rick stared at his hand. The one that took Negan’s. What was this? What was this becoming? Rick didn’t know. But the man just met his family. And they got along. And Negan wanted to hold Rick’s hand. Negan. The big bad fucking wolf of Red Canyon. It made Rick smile more than he wanted to. What did Rick say at the bar that one night? Negan wouldn’t meet his family? Wouldn’t hold his hand? Oh well.

Negan drove that night. Getting high and enjoying the night’s cool air. He was holding out his line for Rick Grimes. Waiting for the bite to end it all. Negan didn’t know what he wanted. But he knew he didn’t want anybody else. There was just something about Rick.

Negan texted him Monday. “We still on for tomorrow?”

Rick sighed. He was sitting in the police cruiser while Shane issued a ticket for a broken tail light. He had completely forgotten about Tuesday. “Can’t. I’ve got errands.” 

“Errands?? How long does that take??”

“I can’t tomorrow. Deal with it.”

“FUCK YOU.”

Rick rolled his eyes and put his phone down. If he was going to keep seeing Negan it was going to be on his time. 

* * *

 

Days started to go by. Rick and Negan flirted over text but Rick was still busy with his life. Negan sat at the counter in the local diner. He was bored out of his mind. And he hadn’t seen Rick in almost a week. He wasn’t cool with only seeing him once a week. Negan picked up his phone from the counter and hit the call button for Rick. 

“Is that her??” Shane asked, eyes gleaming.

Rick questioned whether he wanted to answer or not. He was at work, in the office. But Shane nudged him along. Rick stood up out of his seat and walked away. 

“Yes?” 

“Riiick. Come on! You bailed on me Tuesday-”

“I saw you Saturday. Impromptu I might add.”

“What are we keeping a quota? We can see each other more than once a fucking century.” Negan muttered.

“Don’t be overdramatic.” Rick heard Negan huff. Rick groaned. “I’ll have to check when I have a free night. I have a life you know.” 

“Do you?” Negan took a sip of his coke. 

“Yeah, I do. Carl has practice. I have shopping to do. Judith needs attention. My house needs to be cleaned. I have work nearly everyday. Not to mention I spend time with my neighbors.” Rick watched a fly land on the window sill. 

“Keep forgetting I got myself a family man.” Negan purred. “Fine. Text me whenever, darling.”

* * *

 

Two days passed and still Negan sat by himself. In his car. At the diner. In his house. He waited and waited for Rick to pick a time and a place. When Negan texted him, Rick only responded with, “Working.” Negan lied on his couch, legs dangling over the side. Too tall. Negan lifted himself up and walked to his front door. If Rick wouldn’t make time, Negan would.

The Valiant soared through the streets. Imaginary radar slowly beeping, searching for a police cruiser. Negan was growing impatient. He stopped for gas. Then nothing else. The Valiant increasing speed through the more vacant roads. Broad daylight captured it all. And then a glint in the distance. Negan cackled and his foot nearly broke the gas pedal. 

Shane was the first to react as the Valiant sped by. “What the fuck! Again?? This is the third time!” 

Rick didn’t flinch. The red and blue beacon cried out. And Negan came to a halt. Rick told Shane to stay in the car. Negan lit a cigarette. Shadow from the visor only exposed his grin. 

“You know...you can lose your fucking license, jackass.” 

“Is that anyway to greet your boyfriend, darling?” 

Rick scoffed. “Boyfriend?” 

Negan looked at Rick wildly, his hand extended outside the window. “I’ve only got eyes for you, babe, you gonna fucking make time for me or not?” 

Rick looked out into the saguaro distance. Breathtaking. Vacant.

“You still...wanna see me right?” Negan’s attitude dropped. “I mean, fuck, have I not been taking a fucking hint or something?”

Rick looked at him. “No, no, that’s not it. I’m just...trying to take things slow.”

“Fuck, I should’ve realized that, huh?” 

“No I should have explained myself better. Look, how about tonight? I’ll be free after 8:30.” Rick said.

“Can I pick you up?” 

“...Yeah, I guess that should be okay. Carl knows we’re friends, I can get away with telling some truth for a change.” Rick started writing on his pad of paper.

“Oh, no...No Rick, come onnn.” Negan closed his eyes.

Rick put the ticket in Negan’s hand. Negan crumpled it.

“Don’t fucking speed.” Rick said, and walked away. 

Negan banged his head against his seat and unfolded the ticket. But there wasn’t anything written on it. Besides Rick’s address, anyway.

* * *

 

Rick told Carl the plan and Carl seemed more than happy to have the house to himself. Negan pulled up to Rick’s house. A decent two story home with a hell of a lot more vegetation than Negan’s. He almost laid on the horn when he remembered Judith. Probably shouldn’t do that. He didn’t have to do anything. Rick was already walking out the door.

“He’s real.” Negan mused as Rick got into the car. Rick flipped him off. “Ready to see where I live?” 

Rick laughed to himself. “Yeah.”

Rick and Negan were listening to the radio. Rick was surprised at Negan’s speed. It was perfectly legal. Negan rested his hand on Rick’s thigh and Rick let him keep it there. As Negan was pulling into his neighborhood, Rick flung himself down into Negan’s lap. 

“HO-LY CRAP.” Negan cackled. “Damn Rick you want it that bad already??” 

“Shut up! Shut up!” Rick hissed. “This is where Shane fucking lives!!” 

“What??” Negan started to slow down when he was reaching his house. 

Rick peered outside and resumed position. “Holy SHIT you live right across the fucking street from him!!” And Rick cursed at himself for not looking at his license closely enough. 

“Small fucking world.” Negan laughed.

“It’s not funny.”

“He’s not gonna see you and if he does, we’re just pals. Two bros.” Negan laughed again, it was one big joke to him.

“And why would we be friends? It makes no fucking sense. Just pull into your garage and close the door.” Rick said, muffled. 

“I don’t know, Rick. I got you where I want you.” 

“Negan.” 

Rick didn’t sit up until he heard the garage door close. He sighed in relief. Negan looked at him.

“You know, I really don’t think people will give much of a shit.” He said.

Rick sighed again. “You don’t get it. I have a reputation here. I’m who people call when they have a problem. I’m who people look to. You’ve already made a bad impression on Shane. You beat the shit out of your ex-teammate not that long ago. You’re you. And I’m me. And people aren’t gonna get it.”

“They don’t fucking have to. Come on, let’s go inside.”

Rick tried to forget the fact that Shane was right across the street. But Shane obviously had no idea either. He would have remembered the black Plymouth Valiant. But Negan was always driving. And he probably always kept his car in his garage. He followed Negan inside. It was cute. But Rick wondered if the furniture and decor came with the place. Or if Negan just liked tacky Nevada shit. 

“I love this tacky shit.” Negan cackled, answering his question. He lead Rick through the kitchen. 

Negan pulled Rick by the kitchen counter and started to kiss him. Rick grabbed Negan’s hair and was pushed against the counter. Negan slid his hand down Rick’s pants. Rick glanced over to the side and saw a picture frame. Lucille. Rick stopped kissing Negan and lowered his head. Fuck.

“What?” Negan asked, hand still in between fabric and skin. 

Rick’s eyes burned, fighting back the hint of tears. “Can you…” 

Negan pulled his hand away. 

“I’m sorry.” Rick whispered. “It’s just going too fast…” 

“We fucked the second time we met-”

“I know! I know…I’m giving mixed signals.” Rick breathed sharply. “...I-I feel bad.”

Negan blinked and scowled. “Rick...don’t fucking feel bad for that. Also, if you aren’t fucking comfortable doing something then tell me. I don’t want you to feel like you have to. I know I can joke around and tease and shit, but I’m not here to force you to do anything. Seriously, Rick.” 

Rick found it endearing. And relieving. He still felt embarrassed. But he didn’t work like everyone else. He had to accept that.

“You wanna watch Duel?” 

“What?” 

Negan grinned. “Do you want me to show you Duel? I have a shit ton of popcorn.” 

Rick smirked. Softly. “Yeah.” 

“Sweet.” 

Rick and Negan sat on the couch. At some point during the movie, Negan put his legs over Rick’s lap. Rick’s feet rested on the coffee table. The movie was clearly one of Negan’s favorites. He didn’t speak the entire time. Rick watched the truck harass the red Plymouth Valiant. But Negan was the truck. Not the Valiant. Maybe that’s why his was black. Anti-hero. 

The movie ended. It was short. A little over one hour. 

“Did you like it?”

“Yeah.” Rick put the empty bowl of popcorn on the table. Glossy, like a church pew. “Is that why you like hanging around here? Desert roads.” 

“Well, that was a reason at first.” Negan smirked. Flirty little shit. Negan swung his legs off of Rick’s lap and sat up, reaching for the remote. “How are you...feeling?” Negan wasn’t an idiot. It was clear in Rick’s eyes that he was bothered, before and now. 

Rick took a deep breath. He hadn’t had to deal with any of this in years. He didn’t expect he would have to. At some point between Lori’s death and the meeting of Negan, he had accepted his position in the world. A loner in love. Or whatever this was. But now he was here. In it. He had already dove head first. So he didn’t know why the fuck he was so bothered now. 

“I…” Rick’s eyes shifted along the blue DVD player menu screen. His hands rested on his thighs. “I don’t...fucking know.” He laughed. But hurt. “I mean, I know I bailed when he first hung out...but I was still...somewhat confident? Okay? Good? I don’t know. So I understand if this is fucking frustrating or annoying. Maybe I’ve just become defective. Like when you don’t turn a computer on for a long time and it doesn’t remember how to work.” 

“Rick...don’t fucking say that.” Negan’s fingers messed with his bandana.

Rick turned to face Negan. “But why not? You’re aggressive and you’re confident, and you don’t give a fuck what anybody thinks. Why the hell would you want to deal with someone like me? I’m just...some fucking guy from some fucking town you happened to pull into. I’m nobody. It’s fucking embarrassing. I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing.” 

“Rick. First of all. Shut the fuck up. Second. I’m not a fucking jock and you’re not a fucking nerd. So you better shut that shit down right now. Third. I fucking like spending time with you. Obviously. I haven’t watched this fucking movie since my wife fucking died. I don’t put my fucking legs on people’s laps and I don’t fucking pick people up from their fucking house. I. Like. You. Okay? You’re not defective. You’re you. Also I’m sure by the time you fuck me yourself it will be fucking magical, so I can wait.” 

Rick’s expression changed. “You have any beer?” 

“One sec.” Negan got up. Walked to his fridge. Then walked over to Rick. He leaned down and put the bottle behind his back. “Can I kiss you first?” 

“Yes.” 

Negan leaned into Rick and kissed him. Rick put his hands to Negan’s face, pulling him closer. Negan set the beer down and rested one knee on the couch, slightly straddling Rick. He lifted his knee off the couch and handed Rick the beer. 

“There ya go, darling.”

Fucking hell.

* * *

 

The Valiant pulled alongside Rick’s house. Windows rolled down. Music turned low. Don’t want to wake anyone. Rick unbuckled the seatbelt, sighing in some emotion he didn’t know. 

“Can I see you tomorrow?” Negan asked, one hand on the steering wheel. 

“I’d say yes but I can’t. Sorry, I have a neighbor party to go to.” Rick shook his head. “I’ll get my shit together soon okay?” 

“We need a fucking secretary. Hey, who’s that sweet girl I heard on the phone at your office? Maybe we could get her, hahaa.” Negan laughed hoarsely and put his arm along the top of the seat. “Don’t worry about it, alright? We’ll figure this whole thing out eventually.” Negan shuffled around for his cigarettes.

“Yeah.” Rick replied. “Goodnight.” 

“Sleep tight.” Negan purred and Rick rolled his eyes. 

Rick went to bed that night somber. Melancholy. Whatever the fuck. He felt riddled with a poison he couldn’t expel. Desire and an ambient stalemate of feelings. What happened to him over the years? Was it just fear? Hesitation? Or was this whole thing just a jumbled confusing mess? He couldn’t figure out the answer before falling asleep. Crashing headfirst into nightmares.

Negan cruised around for a little while longer. Rick and Negan had to get on the same fucking page. Whatever that was. But this muddy affair had to get clearer soon. Negan’s arm hung out the window. He didn’t know all of Rick’s business or life. But he was starting to feel protective. A lot of people might not bother with a guy like that. Wishy Washy. But Rick was different. And that’s what Negan liked about him. 

* * *

 

The next night Rick took Carl and Judith over Maggie and Glenn’s house. Their backyard held a small pool and a firepit. And people were spread out between the amenities. Abraham Ford and Rosita Espinosa were co workers of Rick, and partners in law enforcement and love. Carol Peletier was Rick’s neighbor and had a daughter named Sophia who was Carl’s age. Beth’s boyfriend, Daryl Dixon was one of Rick’s closest friends and lived down the street. He worked for the town’s Environmental Agency . Tara Chambler had gone to high school with Rosita, and was currently in training at the Police Academy. Her girlfriend, Denise was in medical school. They were sitting by the pool. With them was Michonne, the town’s most sought after attorney. By the bonfire was Rosita and Abraham’s close friend, Eugene. The local high school chem teacher. They often made Breaking Bad jokes about him, but as Eugene always put it, they aren’t in New Mexico. Sasha Williams, who sat by the fire as well, was fittingly enough a firefighter. Over the years they had become intertwined in each other’s lives, and always made time to get together and celebrate living. 

Rick was sitting at the patio table with some of the others, trying to mold himself into the furniture. 

“So how’s it...going?” Maggie asked Rick, smiling suspiciously. 

“How’s what going?” Carol asked, opening up a new beer. 

“Rick’s seeing someone.” Maggie said proudly. It would have made Rick feel warm and fuzzy if he wasn’t seeing Negan. Right. Negan.

“Oh really?” Jessie Anderson, Rick’s next door neighbor, responded. No amount of acting could cover up her disappointment. She had divorced her husband a year ago. And he was out of state. She obviously liked Rick, but Rick had been dazed for the past three years, so it never happened. 

“It’s...casual.” Rick said, for what felt like the millionth time. “It’s nothing to write home about.” Actually, it was a lot to write home about. More than the post office might allow. “I’m taking it one day at a time, I’m not rushing anything.” Not anymore, at least.

Abraham finished his beer and smirked. “You know I was betting on you and Michonne getting together at some point.” 

Rick flushed and looked towards the pool. Michonne was a good friend of his, as was everyone, and he’d be lying if he said he hadn’t thought about it. But she didn’t wait around for him. Rick only shrugged. 

“What does she do?” Rosita piped up. She had her arm around Abraham. 

“Uh.” Rick blanked. It was one thing lying to Shane or Carl. But now it was becoming everyone in his life. An angel must have joined the party because the fire roared too high and saved him.

Everyone was helping put out with the bonfire and Rick found his opportunity to escape. He grabbed Judith and Carl and said his goodbyes. No one seemed to remember they were mid-conversation and let Rick go easily. 

Back at the house, Rick put Judith to bed and walked downstairs. Carl was turning on the tv. 

“Oh, how was hanging with Negan last night?” Carl asked. The older Carl got, the more he was investing himself in Rick’s life. And Rick liked that. The past few years had been rocky but they had only gotten closer. That might be a downfall now. 

“Good.” Rick replied, searching through the fridge for something that wasn’t there.

“What did you do?” 

Rick closed the refrigerator and leaned against it. What did he do? Pour his pathetic soul out, probably make a fool of himself, get too close to a suspiciously nice devil? No.

“We went to his house and watched a movie.” Rick said. He felt like a teenager trying to tell a parent their, “I swear,” PG-rated misadventures. 

Carl laughed. “Aren’t you supposed to like, go to bars and stuff?” 

Rick smirked and squinted at Carl. “Don’t you watch movies with your friends?” 

“Yeah because we can’t go to bars.” 

“Trust me they aren’t that great. So...everything going good with you and Enid?” Rick had made his way into the family room. 

“Erm, yeah…” Carl responded uncomfortably.

“Oh what? You can ask me a ton of questions but I can’t?” 

“Well I’m not asking about your girlfriend I’m asking you about your friend.” Carl said.

The joke wasn’t lost on Rick. “Alright, fair enough.” He said, admitting defeat.

* * *

 

Negan got home late that night. Like he usually did. He was about to open his garage but stopped. The troublemaker in him wanted to keep the Valiant on the driveway. Let Rick’s partner see it. Duel. But that might cause unwanted conversation for Rick. He opened his garage and parked the car inside. Fine. 

Negan stood out into his backyard. A small space of mostly patio. Potted plants from the previous owner died slowly. The best part though? The pool. Negan thought he should’ve gotten Rick to go in with him. Maybe next time. Negan lit a cigarette, stripped, and stepped into the chlorine. It was the moments at home where he realized how alone he was. A loner in life. Or whatever this was.

Hm.

 


	5. Paradise

A hundred miles west. Another small town. 3 months ago a robber made a mistake. Fired the gun shakily, killing the clerk. Blood pooled around the tile behind the counter. Register was open. But the robber didn’t see the man behind him coming. The gun was pulled away from him. Eyes pinpoint. And then. Execution. And an outlaw went running. Lucky for him the security cameras were fucking fake. Too much trouble to get into these days. 

* * *

 

An animal made a noise outside. A shrieking seance. It woke Rick up and he rubbed his eyes. It had been about a month since he started seeing Negan. And he wondered where time was going. Work. Friends. Family. Negan. Rick wished he could stop time for a moment. Just a moment where he could find out how to go about seeing him. It had been a rollercoaster. And they were both living different lives trying to connect. 

Carl was easy. He had baseball practice a few times a week. And the rest of his time was spent with friends or at home. Judith went to daycare a couple days out of the week when Rick and Carl couldn’t watch her. And Rick remembered Lori saying something about early education. He also didn’t want to dump Judith on his neighbors all the time. Rick’s schedule changed frequently. A few night shifts but mostly day. As the days went by it was getting harder to avoid conversations about “Beatrix” and Rick knew it would eventually all spill out of him like the blood that pours out of the desert roadkill. 

Rick had been too in his mind. But he was feeling less foggy. And a little more open. Negan called him one morning. Rick and Shane sat in the police cruiser. The morning was gentle. A warm breeze blowing. Rick picked up the phone.

“What’s up?” 

Shane watched, focused.

“Hey Rick, I’m going to be out of town for the next couple of days, I leave tomorrow morning. Are you free tonight?” Negan said on the other line. 

“Yeah, where are you going?” Rick stared out the window, hawks along the horizon searching for victims. 

“Actually I’m going to California. Los Angeles. ESPN is doing a little special on me, ain’t that cool? So I gotta do an interview.” 

“Wow, that’s great.” Rick smiled and almost laughed to himself. How did he find himself dating Negan of the California Saviors?

“Yeah I just...I hope they don’t dredge up the Dwight shit.” 

“You’ll be fine. So what did you have in mind for tonight?” Rick ignored Shane’s stare.

“Thought we’d give the Paradise Lounge another shot.” 

“Isn’t that a-” Rick stopped. Remembering Shane.

“A what?” Negan cackled on the other line. “Everyone thinks its a fucking strip club but it’s not. It’s just a club. You know, dancing and whatever the fuck.”

“Dancing?”

“Mmhmm, or grinding.”

“Aren’t we too old for that?” Rick let his arm dangle out the window. Fingers tapping on the door.

“Rick fucking Grimes, I gotta leave tomorrow and this is what I wanna do tonight, okay?” 

“Alright.” Rick smirked.

“Perfect.” 

Rick hung up and looked at Shane. 

“What was all that?” Shane asked. 

“Nothing, we’re just getting together tonight.” Rick said vaguely. 

“You’re not going to tell me anything, are you?” 

“Not a damn thing.” 

* * *

 

Carl was putting on his baseball cleats, getting ready for the evening summer practice. Rick was sitting in the family room with Judith, holding the car keys in hand. They went through the garage and began to drive to the high school where Carl’s team practiced. 

“I’m hanging out with Negan tonight, you cool with that? It won’t be till after your practice.” Rick said. He felt no need to make up lies if he didn’t have to. And he felt like an asshole every time he said Beatrix. 

“Yeah that’s fine.” Carl said. “Oh my game is Friday. If you wanted to invite him.” 

“Oh shoot. He’s going to be out of town. He’s doing an interview for ESPN.”

Carl’s eyes lit up. “Wow…”

Rick smirked, realizing he was becoming cool by association. “But next game. Definitely.” 

“I hope I don’t suck.” Carl mumbled.

“You don’t. You know that.”

“I guess.”

Rick dropped Carl off and went home with Judith. They watched tv together and Rick made her dinner. There was a calm. This was how life was supposed to be. Calm. Rick sitting on the floor with Judith. Rick picking up Carl from practice in summer. It was nice. But it could still be nicer. Every night Rick lie in the middle of his bed. Afraid that if he laid on one of its sides then he might feel the illusion of another person there with him. He couldn’t bear reaching his arm over and feeling nothing. He wondered if Negan felt the same. But there would be a time and a place to cry over their wives. Not now.

* * *

 

Rick waited on his porch. Itching for a cigarette. He waited for Negan to pick him up. 

Negan pulled up along the curb of Rick’s house. A cigarette in hand but barely smoked. He watched Rick step off the porch and make his way over. 

“Hey, darling.” Negan said. “Let’s get going.” 

The Paradise Lounge was a lot different than Rick expected. But it was on the outskirts of town. And usually the outskirts of town held the sprinkles of sin that Vegas left behind. It was a modern club. Neon. Good music. A bar. Dance Floor. Upstairs. Tables. The whole thing. 

Negan and Rick went to the bar and ordered drinks. Rick tucked his phone in his pocket. 

“So when will the interview come out?” Rick asked.

“A few weeks. Kind of cool, right?” But there was caution.

“You had a beard, when it happened, the thing with Dwight Austin.” 

“Yeah?”

“That’s why I didn’t recognize you. It’s funny. I remember seeing it on tv now. I remember it making me think of Lori. And I didn’t blame you.” Rick took a sip of his drink. “But. I’m from Georgia. And I don’t forgive you for 98.” 

“It was 99.” Negan’s mouth formed a wild grin. “Highlight of my fucking career.”

“What about 2003? When you beat the Boston Kings?” 

“Ha...Ezekial didn’t stand a chance pitching that night. You remember that too?”

“I looked you up, actually.” Rick laughed.

“I do that sometimes. God I used to be so young. I was 32 when I beat the Roamers. I didn’t meet Lucille until I was 38. She was 23. Four years we were together before I retired. And somewhere in between those four years I guess we lost our way a little. Dwight was around her age. But maybe I was just so in love with her I didn’t even fucking know anything happened. I’m glad I retired when I did though, I got six years with her to do whatever we wanted. We were together ten years. And it wasn’t fucking long enough.” Negan downed his beer. “Maybe if I found out about the affair when it happened I would’ve killed both of them. And maybe if Lucille wasn’t dying I would’ve done something to her too...but I only had Dwight to take it out on. So. Fuck. I did.” 

Rick was silent. Negan’s eyes shifted to the side and he stared at him.

“I’d be one of those...crime of passion kind of fucks you see on the ID channel.” Negan smiled awry. “But you’re stuck with me now. You’d bail me out, right babe?” Negan cackled. “So, how long were you and your wife together?”

“18 years.” Rick said.

“Wow, that’s a long time.”

“Not long enough, right?” Rick smirked.

Rick and Negan hung out by the bar for a little while longer. Negan got up to go to the bathroom. While in there, he washed his hands and looked in the mirror. Fixed his hair. He tugged at his bandana. Fluorescent lights shone. He crumpled the paper towel in his hands and tossed it in the stainless steel trash can. Rick was standing by the bar, holding his beer. A young woman was talking to him. Smiling. Negan sauntered over and grabbed Rick by the waist and kissed him. He pulled away and grabbed Rick’s beer.

Negan put the beer in the girl’s hand. “Hold this for me, sweetheart, I’m gonna go dance with my boyfriend.” He grinned. 

Rick’s hand was taken and Negan dragged him out to the dance floor. 

“You’re an asshole.” Rick said.

“I know.” 

“I don’t fucking dance.”

“Oh fuck off.” Negan purred. Soon him and Rick were surrounded by a crowd of people. Music blaring. The place was way bigger than Rick had thought. Negan spun Rick around and put his arms around his waist. Negan said something inaudible.

“What?” Rick said, over the music.

“Nothing!” Negan laughed and grinded into Rick. Guiding him through the music. Rick didn’t know what the fuck he was doing. Or what Negan was doing. But it didn’t matter. 

Rick felt his body freeze. He turned his head around. “What the fuck?”

Negan laughed and nuzzled into Rick’s neck. “What? You’ve never gotten hard in public before? Oh right, you’re one hundred percent suburban.” 

Rick flushed feeling Negan against him. 

“Come on, darling. I wanna take care of this.” Negan said and took Rick’s hand, pulling him out of the crowd. 

Rick followed Negan through the club. Blue and pink light radiating.They eventually reached a staircase and Negan took Rick downstairs. It was vacant, but the music could still be heard. Negan looked around and then pulled Rick into a closet. He saw the lock and turned it. No light shone through the door. 

“Isn’t this illegal?” Rick asked as Negan kissed him.

“You tell me, deputy.” Negan slid his hand down Rick’s pants, grabbing his ass. “So, can we fuck?” 

Rick breathed sharply as Negan pressed into him. “Depends.” 

Negan huffed a laugh and rummaged through the inside of his jacket. “I always come prepared. What about you? Do you come prepared?” Negan’s laugh croaked. Jackass. 

“Alright.” 

Negan pulled off his belt. Rick took his off too, but Negan did the rest. Rick’s pants were down by his calves. Romantic. Negan’s hand toyed with Rick’s boxer briefs. 

“Don’t rip them this time.” Rick muttered. 

“Whatever you say, darling.” Negan hummed and spun Rick around, he pulled down Rick’s boxers.

Rick kicked his foot out of his pants and Negan grabbed his waist. Rick was pushed into a shelf, and he tried to move its contents out of the way for his arms. Rick gasped when Negan thrusted inside him. Negan only laughed. His foot found the bottom shelf. His knee bent, getting into a better position. Rick’s back arched. Rick said something, but it was too quiet.

“What?” Negan said through teeth. 

“Harder.” 

Negan’s laugh filled the closet. “See? You want it.” Negan purred.

“You-” Rick moaned as Negan thrusted harder than before. “You w-want it to.” 

Negan leaned his body closer to Rick’s and grabbed his cock. “Damn fucking right I want it.”

Rick’s body shook. Negan closed his eyes, focusing. His breathing starting to get rapid. Through the dark and muffled music, Negan heard Rick breathe sharply and then stop. Negan pulled his hand away and pushed Rick harder into the shelf. Negan let out one final hint of a yell and dropped his head onto Rick’s shoulder. Rick’s legs shook against Negan’s. 

“God fucking damn.” Negan breathed and stepped back. Rick turned around and watched Negan lick his hand. “You are one hot motherfucker Rick.” 

Rick smirked and got back into his pants. Negan did the same. 

“How am I gonna last three days without you now?” Negan growled and grabbed the back of Rick’s head, kissing him. 

“I think you’ll be okay.” Rick said, pulling away and catching his breath.

“You wanna know something?” Negan asked, laughing goofily. 

“Sure.” Rick mused, hand holding onto the red bandana.

“First time we met, after you pulled me over. I jerked off immediately.” Rick could see Negan’s wild grin through the dark. 

“Really?” 

“Yeah...that fucking southern accent of yours really did me in.” 

“Hm.”

“What?”

“I was really glad you got my number. I figured you were just a passing vision.” Rick said.

“Good thing I’m not.”

* * *

 

Rick and Negan made their way back upstairs and had one more drink before hitting the road. Negan drove through the empty roads. Windows rolled down and music turned on. The night enveloped the Valiant, matching it’s brilliant black color. Stars littered the sky. Didn’t get that in a city. Rick felt the wind blow through his hair. And he felt like he could stay suspended in Negan’s car forever. But then the gas pedal was pushed down. And Rick felt the Valiant charge.

Negan howled as he increased speed. Swerving all over the road and blaring through one of the only red lights that had come up in all their driving. Rick switched off the radio. 

“What the fuck are you doing??” Rick yelled, hand already gripped on the passenger door.

“Chill out, Rick.” Negan laughed that fucking hyena laugh. 

“Slow down, Negan!” 

The Valiant lowered speed and Negan mumbled something. Rick breathed a sigh of relief.

“Fuck you.” Rick said.

“Aw, come on Rick, don’t be such a scaredy cat.” 

“It’s not fucking funny you asshole. One day you’re gonna crash or flip over or hurt someone.” Rick rested his elbow on the window and rubbed his eyes.

“Fuuuckk. Fine.” Negan rolled his eyes. 

“You know I was gonna suck your dick but I’m not in the fucking mood anymore.” 

Negan whipped his head towards Rick. “Are you for real?? Riiickkkk, jeez I’m sorry okay?”

“You know you’re not James fucking Dean, right?”

“Were you really gonna give me fucking roadhead, Rick?” Negan purred and laughed. 

“Fuck off. It’s not happening now. You ruined my mood.” 

“RICCCK. You aren’t serious? Cause of a little speeding? Rickk…” 

“You’re such a fucking child.” 

Negan smirked and the Valiant coasted. Rick and Negan stared ahead, the warm breeze engulfing the inside of the car. Silence. Negan glanced over at Rick and met his gaze. He turned the radio back on. 

“Come on, darling.” He whispered. “Show me what you were gonna do.” 

Rick tried not to smile. He looked out the window. “I gotta take my seatbelt off. Don’t fucking speed or I’ll kill you.” 

“I won’t.”

Rick took his seatbelt off and moved closer to Negan. The car was electric and Rick felt the static up his neck. Negan haphazardly unbuckled his belt. Rick unbuttoned Negan’s jeans and Negan shifted in his seat. Rick lowered his head and when he put his mouth on Negan’s dick, Negan inhaled sharply. He reached his hand over Rick’s back and turned up the volume on the radio. His hand then went to Rick’s hair, grabbing the back of his head. Negan was loud and Rick assumed he was doing something fucking right but Negan also kept pushing Rick’s head down. Negan’s head hit the back of his seat and his eyes faltered on the road. One hand was on the steering wheel. Rick started to realize just how fast Negan had gotten him off back in the desert that one night. He tried not to feel embarrassed. Negan gripped Rick’s hair.

“Fuck!!” Negan yelled.

Rick immediately reeled his head back and sat up. He coughed and lifted the back of his hand to his mouth. He moved over to window and leaned out of it, spitting.

Negan exhaled deeply and laughed. “Yeah, you’re definitely different than Lucille.” 

Rick glared at him. He moved back over to Negan and untied the red bandana. Rick used it to wipe his mouth and hand. 

“Oh fuck you. Now I gotta wash that...anyway...that was fucking great, Rick. I wouldn’t have thought that was your first time. Fuck...are we one step closer to you totally fucking dominating me?” 

Rick cleared his throat and looked out the window. Negan always had a way of making him feel confident and embarrassed at the same time. 

“Ah...I dont know.” Rick mumbled.

“God you’re so fucking cute when you act all shy.” Negan laughed. But not like a hyena this time.

* * *

 

Rick took a really hot shower that night and then tossed and turned in his bed. An affair with the devil. It was what was happening, right? He wasn’t like Lori. He wasn’t stable. Normal. Average. He was singing the body electric. But this was Rick’s. And it made him feel alive.

Negan flew to Los Angeles the next morning. He did his interview and though it went pretty good. It wouldn’t come out for another three weeks or so. He had to meet with a few others the next two days, but it would mostly just be casual stuff. He didn’t think about it too much. As he stood on the sidewalk and stared at the palm trees he questioned where to go for the night. A hotel was already set up for him. But there was another place he could go. He closed his eyes. He had never sold him and Lucille’s house. Mansion. Whatever. Everything was still in tact there. And Negan hadn’t been there in almost a year. The power and water had been turned off though and Negan didn’t feel like bothering with that. He shook his head. There would be a time to deal with all of that. Not now. He got a taxi and went to his hotel. 

Negan lied on the covers of the hotel bed. It was a nice room. Had a kitchen and everything. But he didn’t need that. Microwavable lasagna was fine for him. He switched off the tv and got undressed, down to his boxers. He turned off the light and got into the covers. Negan lied on his back and stared at the ceiling. Dark shapes forming. His hand grazed his stomach. Negan smirked thinking about Rick. It was the first thing in his life since Lucille died that he didn’t want to fuck up. He had tossed everyone to the side before Rick. Devouring them and scattering their bodies all over the freeway. Constantly moving. But Rick. Rick made him feel like he was on fire. He was a saint. A lawman. A father. A widow. He was everyone’s neighbor. He was good. And it drew Negan in. Negan’s hand moved down and into his boxers. He already wanted Rick. But he wanted Rick more than he had already gotten. All of his flings had him on top, in charge, aggressive. And he liked that. But Rick, in terms of overall interest, was on par with Lucille. And Negan loved being at the mercy of her. His legs bent beneath the sheets when he stroked his cock. Playing out images in his mind of Rick fucking him from behind. Or of Rick tying his hands to a bedpost in that random fucking southwest town. And he would be stripped bare as Rick fucked him hard, thrusting into him and making his knees slide on the sheets. Rick would claw his fingernails into Negan’s back and make him wait for it. Negan came in his boxers and exhaled a whine. His hand stayed. Rick Grimes would be the death of him, he thought.

* * *

 

Over the course of the three days Negan was gone, Rick had a quiet time. And he enjoyed it. It was a chance to breathe a little before figuring out what he wanted to do next. With each passing day it seemed less and less like a good idea to hide his relationship. He was starting to feel like there wasn’t really a point to it. That him and Negan liked each other’s company and that’s all there was to it. When Negan got back home, Rick was busy with work and other obligations. 

Rick and Shane were idling by a gas station. Rick put on his sunglasses when the brightness became too much.

“Hey Shane.” 

“Yeah?”

“I need to tell you something.” 

Rick was about to speak again when a call came in. Two men had gotten violent in the diner. Rosita was trying to handle it. Abraham was out sick. Rick put the car in drive and made his way over. When he walked inside with Shane, Rosita was trying to pry a man off another. The fucking devil.

“Stop!” Rick shouted angrily, he grabbed Negan by his jacket and ripped him off of the guy he was beating on. Shane helped the guy up. 

“Are you okay Spencer?” Shane asked.

“Fuck no!” Spencer pulled away from Shane angrily. His eye was already black and blue. “That guy attacked me!”

“You provoked me first!” Negan hissed, ignoring Rick in the moment and moving closer to Spencer. Blood poured out of his nose. The diner attendees looked on.

“You!” Shane pointed a finger at Negan. “You’re causing a lot of trouble lately, you better fucking watch it. We’re gonna take you to the station.” 

“What??” Negan flailed his arms. “He fucking started it!”

“No I didn’t, asshole!”

“Alright what happened??” Rick asked, putting his hands on his hips.

“I was minding my own business when this loon attacked me!” Spencer said.

“He was hitting on the waitress.” Negan hissed. 

“And that’s a crime?” Spencer scoffed.

“He was being inappropriate.” Negan countered.

“You still can’t attack someone like this.” Shane sighed. “You’re coming to the station with us, you never paid your third speeding ticket.” 

“I lost it.” Negan growled. He looked at Rick.

Rick stared at Negan. Blood still dripping out of his nose. A raging animal trapped in a diner. Rick looked at him unnervingly. 

“Fine.” Negan spat and walked past Rick and Shane. “But I’m taking my car.” 

* * *

 

Negan sat down in a chair next to Rick and Shane’s desks. He was holding a paper towel to his nose. Rick and Shane were currently gathering paperwork in another room. Negan’s eyes scanned the room. It was open but split between a makeshift lobby and an office area. His eyes met Beth’s at the front desk. Beth quickly looked away. Negan peered over towards the direction Rick and Shane went. And then he got up and walked over to Beth. 

“Hi.” Negan said.

“H-hi.” Beth stared at Negan timidly.

“Everyone knows everyone here? Is that how this works?”

“Yeah..” Beth gripped her pen.

“Alright, then is Spencer always a fucking douche?” 

Beth relaxed and smirked. “Yeah.” 

“Good. Then I don’t have to feel bad.” Negan went back to his seat.

Rick and Shane emerged from the other room and stood by Negan.

“Here’s a new ticket. We had you down going 75 miles per hour. 150.” Shane crossed his arms. 

Negan rolled his eyes and took out his wallet, discarding the bloody paper towel into Rick’s trashcan. Rick and Shane exchanged looks and watched Negan pull out the money. 

“You probably shouldn’t carry a lot of cash.” Rick said.

“Who's gonna rob me in this town?” Negan huffed a laugh. “Besides, I have plenty of it.” He handed it over to Shane. 

“You get any more of these and you’re gonna have to deal with the state. You can lose your license.” Shane explained. 

“I know.” Negan tugged on his bandana. 

“As for Spencer. We’re gonna keep a report of it. He has a history of agitating people. But make no mistake, you cause any more trouble and you will see bars even if it’s just for one night.” Shane tilted his head. And Negan thought it was fucking annoying. 

“Alright.” Negan said. He glanced over at Rick and smiled. It was the first time seeing him since he got back. “Am I free to go?”

Rick breathed shallow. “Yeah.” 

Negan stood up, still wearing his grin. “I’ll see you later.” He said.

Rick and Shane watched him go. 

“That guy is such a fucking asshole.” Shane said. “I guess assaulting people isn’t a one time thing for him. After his third time speeding past us I looked him up. I didn’t remember he broke Dwight Austin’s legs. And his nose. Like...what the fuck?? Did you know he spent a few weeks in jail? But obviously he’s fucking rich so he got off easy. And then I found police reports of him being caught with drugs. Cocaine and shit. He got pretty quiet half a year ago, but fuck. Now he’s our fucking problem.” Shane sat down. “Oh shit. What did you wanna tell me?”

Rick stood there. Blank. And suddenly he wondered if he had made a huge mistake. Negan was feral. And Rick was blinding himself from the true colors that lie in Negan’s being. He saw it a little when Negan talked about Dwight and Lucille. But that’s a lover’s rage from betrayal. Any person would be angry. But Negan was different. The glint in his eye scared Rick. But something kept him hanging onto Negan’s words and company. It wasn’t desperation. Rick had gone long enough without someone. He didn’t need anyone. No. It had to be something else. And Rick didn’t want to know what it was. It would mean going against his morals. Going against his friends. Yes. It was something else. It was danger. It was intrigue. It was living. Fuck. It was hell and paradise wrapped into one. 

Rick looked towards the door. “Oh. It was nothing.”


	6. Hot Summer Nights

Negan stared at his phone. And stared. And stared. No response coming from Rick. He rubbed his eyes. Fuck. 

Rick stared at his computer in the office blankly. Shane was saying something but he didn’t know what. All he could think about was Carl and Judith. If Negan would just incite recklessness into all of their lives eventually. 

“Hey man are you listening?” 

Rick looked up at Shane. “What?”

Shane rolled his eyes. “What’s the matter? You’ve been quiet the past two days.” 

“I’m fine.” 

“Rick. I...I think I know what’s going on.” 

“You...do?” Rick stared at him cautiously.

“Yeah...why you never talk about Beatrix that much…why you always seem to go out of town when you see her...why you never say what she does.” 

“Uh.”

“She’s a stripper, right?” 

Rick started to laugh. He put his hand over his eyes. “No. She’s...not.” 

“Oh…” Shane looked embarrassed. “Shit, I really thought that was it.”

Rick shook his head. “It’s...just...I’m still working things out in my head about it all, you know? I have to think about my kids...not just me. Sorry I’m in my head a lot.” Rick wanted to tell Shane. But he couldn’t. Not after Negan’s assault on Spencer.

“Hey don’t worry about it. Sorry I’m such a nosy douche.” Shane smirked.

Rosita and Abraham had walked over. Abraham was holding a can of Pepsi. 

“I can’t believe I missed all the action.” Abraham mumbled. “But I was stuck on the shitter like it was my 9 to 5 job.” 

“No one needs to know that, Abraham.” Rosita rolled her eyes. “You didn’t miss much anyway. It was Spencer. He’s not exactly thrilling.” 

“I heard the other guy was that pro baseball player? Negan? At least this town is getting a little interesting, right?” Abraham said.

Rick scratched at his beard.

“He’s fucking annoying.” Shane muttered. “I don’t like outsiders.” 

“Everyone’s an outsider at first.” Rick said, and he didn’t know why he felt the need to defend Negan. In this moment, at least.

“Yeah well, not all outsiders come in guns blazing.” Shane sighed. “Hey Rick, we gotta stop by my house before we go out to the roads.” 

Rick felt his breath shorten. “Okay.”

* * *

 

Rick was the driver, always. He pulled into Shane’s dusty neighborhood. It wasn’t exactly built for families like Rick’s neighborhood. But it was decent. Rick didn’t want to see it. The car. The Valiant. But as Rick pulled towards Shane’s house, it was there in Negan’s driveway, like a brilliant flare.

“Holy fucking shit!” Shane spat. “What the fuck?? That’s Negan’s car!” 

Rick stared at the Valiant. He didn’t blink. The police cruiser stopped in Shane’s driveway. 

“I didn’t know he was my fucking neighbor.” Shane said, almost breathless. 

“Well...obviously he keeps a low profile.” Rick put the car in park, windows down. Air still. 

“That’s just great.” Shane said bitterly. He got out and went inside. Rick waited. He bit his lip, staring in the side mirror, back at Negan’s house. He remembered the night there. Watching Duel. It was those moments when Rick felt justified in his actions. He saw more. He had to. Rick closed his eyes and breathed. He nearly ejected into the roof of the car when he felt a hand on his shoulder. He opened his eyes.

“What the fuck are you doing!?” Rick hissed. “Go back home.” 

“I can’t say hi? To my favorite cops?” Negan laughed and leaned his arms on the window sill. “I figured since you won’t fucking text me back, I might as well just see you in the flesh. You have this mysterious power of making me think you’re just an illusion.” Negan smirked. 

Rick always tried not to fall victim to Negan’s voice. But he couldn’t help it. 

“Look we...should talk. But not right-”

“What are you doing??” Shane asked, walking up to the police cruiser. He was holding a box. 

“Hey neighbor.” Negan said, lifting out of the window. “Just came to apologize. We got off on the wrong fucking foot.” 

“Yeah no shit.”

“Well, sorry.” Negan shrugged. “What’s in the box?” 

“Canned food donations. You got any?” Shane muttered.

“Oh shit. No. I don’t have any food in my house. Where can I drop that stuff off?” Negan asked.

“The station.” Shane walked to the passenger side door and got in. 

Negan leaned back into the window. “Well I’ll be sure to donate a shit ton of food. So what are you guys up to today? Gonna stare at some roadkill? Cactuses?”

“Cacti.” Shane mumbled.

Negan laughed. Hoarse. “Alright. See ya around neighbor. Bye Rick.” 

“Yeah see ya.” Rick said, and he watched Negan walk back to his house. 

“Fucking jackass.” Shane said, flipping the visor down. “Let’s go.”

* * *

 

Rick’s shift ended, he sat in his car, soaking in the start of the evening before going home. His phone rang just as he closed his eyes to breathe. Rick looked down at his phone. Negan. Not Beatrix. Rick had changed it before Negan left for California. 

“Yeah?” Rick said.

“Rick, are you fucking mad at me or something?” 

“No.” 

“Rick.” 

Rick’s breathing stopped. He had heard the anger in Negan’s voice and it both frightened him and pissed him off.

“If this is going to continue then you need to stop being such a fucking lunatic.” Rick spat. “I’m not going to see someone like that. Okay? I have children. Children, Negan. And I’m not dealing with your bullshit.” 

Negan was silent on the other end. And then Rick heard nothing. Not even the cellphone static. He threw his phone on the passenger seat and drove home. 

* * *

 

Night was beginning to fall. The sound of insects littered Rick’s neighborhood and Rick had his windows open. Screens protecting the inside from the out. Carl was watching Judith in the family room with Sophia. Rick had opened a beer and sat in the room by the front door. It was a quiet room that Lori had set up. Rick used it more after she died. He heard the sound of a car coming to a stop. The crunching of tire meeting pavement. Rick looked out the window. 

Jesus fucking Christ.

Rick shut the front door behind him and stood on the porch. Beer in hand. He watched Negan walk up through the grass. Negan stopped before the porch step.

“Can we talk?” Negan asked, hands in jacket pockets.

“Yeah, we should.” 

Negan winced. He walked closer to the porch. “Look Rick, I’m a fucking mess, I get it. But I don’t do shit like this. I don’t drive to people’s houses to apologize and fix shit. ...I’m changing, okay?”

Rick took a swig of his beer. “Do you still do cocaine?” 

Negan stared at Rick wildly. Rick thought he looked like a coyote on fire. 

“Shane read reports. How did that not make headlines somewhere?” Rick asked, and it sounded more like a hit than a genuine question.

“Good fucking lawyers.” Negan said through his teeth. “And no. I don’t do that shit anymore.” 

Not as often, anyway.

Rick looked at the sky. “I almost told Shane. I was so close. And then we got the call that you and Spencer were fighting. And seeing you there, with blood pouring out of your nose…” Rick shook his head. 

Negan leaned against the porch post. “I fucked up. I fuck up.” Negan shrugged. “But I would never do anything to hurt you. Or your kids. I’m not that fucking reckless. But I am who I am, Rick. I just hope you give me the chance to show you more of who I am. The good parts.”

Rick thought for a moment. “You want a beer?” 

Negan smirked. “Sure.” 

When Rick returned with the beer, Negan was sitting in one of the chairs on the porch. 

“You know, Shane is really freaking out about being neighbors with you. He thinks you're gonna try something.” Rick laughed. 

“Oh please. It’s fucking hilarious. But no, I’m not gonna smash his potted plants or anything. Hey, aren’t your neighbors gonna see us?” Negan mocked.

“It’s getting dark. Can I ask you something?”

“Go for it, darling.”

“What made you move here?” 

Negan tugged at his bandana. “You know...I still have my fucking mansion in L.A. Everything is still there. All of it. Including the mess in the bathroom. Pots in the kitchen sink. I didn’t touch anything after Lucille died. I just packed a small bag and left with the car. After travelling around the west for a while I stopped here. And I got orange soda at the gas station. And I stood there. And it felt different. I felt visible and invisible at the same time. And the soda was like any other I’ve had before but in that fucking moment it was just...different. And the sun was setting. I didn’t want to leave. So I didn’t. Also...I didn’t have anyone back home. So it didn’t really matter where I went. But that fucking house in L.A is just too big and empty now. What about you?” Negan cleared his throat and took a sip of the beer.

“I moved here from Georgia with Lori when she was pregnant with Carl. Her family lived over here. She had gone to Georgia for school. And I was fine moving. I wanted to see something different, you know? I’ve lived in the same house ever since.” 

“Shit, you serious? How can you do it?” 

Rick smiled. “Because it’s filled with her. And raising Carl and Judith...I need to feel her there.” 

“I run from fucking everything.” Negan sighed. “I don’t know why I do that.” 

“You should be like this more often.” 

“Like what?”

“Gentle.”

Negan laughed wildly. “I thought you wanted it harder.” Negan purred.

“Oh my God, fuck off.” Rick laughed and drank the rest of his beer. 

“I know, though...what you’re saying. I’m working on it. Rick...I’m just glad I met someone who lost their wife too.” Negan looked down at his feet. “The people I was around at the time...they were sympathetic...but...I don’t know. I haven’t had a real conversation since she died. Not until I met you. Shit. I’m glad we weren’t just another one night fucking stand.” 

“Me too.”

As the evening progressed, a stillness came about. Rick and Negan had talked for a couple hours. About different things. Life. Wives. Kids. Baseball. Summer. Rick invited Negan to Carl’s next game. Negan said yes. They laughed. And it relieved Rick. Because they were getting to know each other more. And it was nice. So fucking nice. 

The front door opened. Carl and Sophia walked out.

“Oh.” Carl stopped when he saw Rick and Negan sitting on the porch. “I was wondering where you went. Hi Negan.” 

“Hey kid.” Negan said. “I’ll be watching you play at your next game, cool?”

“Uh, y-yeah. That’s cool.” Carl looked over at Rick. “Dad I’m gonna walk Sophia home.”

“Okay.” Rick smiled. “Judith asleep?” 

“Yeah I put her in her room.” Carl nodded.

“Good.” 

Carl left with Sophia. Rick and Negan watched them walk down the sidewalk. 

“That his girlfriend?” Negan grinned.

“No.” Rick sighed. “Sometimes I wish it was…he’s dating this girl named Enid. She’s kind of...reckless.” Rick laughed. “For her age, anyway. Not like you.” 

“Hmmmm. Like father like son.” Negan gave a goofy laugh and Rick rolled his eyes. 

“Sophia’s gonna tell her mom about you.” Rick said. “Carol...she’s great but...she’s extremely perceptive. People already started talking about you at the diner. So...they’re gonna know about us soon. Being friends, anyway.” 

“Hey, let them know. Just tell em the super nice deputy is setting the bad kid straight.” 

“Is that what I’m doing?” 

“Kind of.” Negan crossed his feet. “Damn, this was a nice night. I don’t even feel like fucking or anything.” 

“I guess that’s a...step in a better direction…” 

“Does the void ever go away?” Negan asked quietly. “I need to know.” 

Rick leaned back in his chair. “I...I’m still wondering that.” 

“Well...either way, you’re doing a good job at distracting me from it. So. Thanks.” 

Rick smiled softly, his hand trailing along the arm rest of the brown wicker seat. Negan smiled too. And it was clear this wasn’t ending anytime soon. Negan placed his palms on the armrest and lifted out of the seat. 

“I’m going to get going.” 

Rick stood up. “Okay.” 

Negan peered around the neighborhood and then kissed Rick quickly. Negan pulled away and Rick held the belt of his leather jacket. He let Negan go.

“Wrong time and place.” Rick muttered. 

“We have forever to do more….I used to say that a lot. When Lucille would complain about not doing something in the moment. I’d tell her we had forever to get to it. To do it. But it wasn’t true. Still...you got me to think that…” Negan’s eyesight blurred while staring at Rick. “I’ll catch ya later, darling.” 

“Bye.” 

Forever. That didn’t seem like a bad idea.

* * *

 

A few days later Rick had driven Carl and Judith to the high school for Carl’s game. The summer season was co-ed. Sophia joined Carl and Rick sat down on the bleachers next to Carol. In front of him was Jessie with her son Sam. Her older son was Ron. Him and Carl didn’t get along. 

Rick had Judith sitting on his knees. The game was close to starting and Rick was starting to sweat. As he went to take his phone out of his pocket he saw someone sit next to him.

“Hey.” Negan said. 

Rick smirked. Carol and Jessie looked at Negan. Jessie looked like she had seen a ghost. Word had gotten around about Spencer. 

“This is Negan.” Rick said casually. “Negan, this is Carol and Jessie.”

“Hi.” Negan said. “It’s nice to meet you.” 

“You’re the guy who punched Spencer.” Jessie’s eyes held judgement. 

“Yeah well...sorry I respect women.” Negan mumbled.

“Sophia says you guys were hanging out the other night. Having Rick as a friend will help your case with everyone in this town.” Carol said. “The word about you isn’t exactly peachy.”

Negan laughed. “Don’t I know it.” 

The game had started. At some point during it, Judith had been given to Negan. And Rick thought it was the cutest shit he’d ever seen. Rick watched Negan watch Carl intently. Maybe he missed playing. Negan had taken off his leather jacket. The summer night was hot. And Rick felt blinded by the white t-shirt Negan wore. 

Carl’s team had won. He met Rick at the bleachers.

“Nice fucking game, kid.” Negan said excitedly. Rick tried not to grimace at his cursing. 

“T-thanks.” Carl smirked. 

“My only advice would be watch your feet when you bat. You want to be able to spring off of them easily and your swing will improve too. Want me to show you?” Negan gestured towards the diamond. 

“Yeah, sure.” Carl looked behind him. “Hey wait one sec though, I’m going to get Sophia.”

Rick watched Negan grab a bat. Carl and Sophia were standing by him, watching him show them “the perfect stance.” Carol crossed her arms and stood by Rick.

“Does Shane know you’re hanging around him.”

“No.” Rick was holding a sleeping Judith. 

“Well...I trust your judgement. I guess.” Carol watched Sophia take the bat from Negan’s hand. 

“I don’t know if I even trust my judgement.” Rick sighed. “But...we both lost our wives. It’s nice to have someone who feels what I’ve felt.” Rick felt the need to defend himself. Both of them. He sighed again.

“So are you going to Michonne’s party at the end of the month?” 

“Yeah. I’m in charge of the dip.” Rick laughed.

“Maybe you should bring Negan.” 

“I don’t know about that.”

“Why not? If he’s going to be sticking around, maybe he should make a better impression.” Carol suggested. Rick always felt like she knew everything. 

“Shane might flip shit.” 

Carol shrugged. 

* * *

 

Stillness. Rick left for work the next morning. The silence of the morning was refreshing and sweet. A light breeze filtered through the windows of Rick’s car. He pulled into the station. 

Shane met him by the desks. 

“I heard your friends with Negan. When the fuck were you going to tell me?” Shane had crossed his arms. 

Rick rubbed his eyes. “I was going to.”

“Look Rick, I know he lost his wife but he’s-”

“I’m not talking about this with you.” Rick said sternly. “I’m an adult and I can make my own decisions, okay?”

“I just don’t want you getting wrapped up in a guy like that.” 

Rick could have laughed. But he didn’t. “I know, Shane. He’s really not bad. He’s a good friend.”

Shane didn’t seem convinced but he dropped it anyway. He knew better than to fight with Rick. They’d talk about it later. The two went out on their daily patrol.

* * *

 

Two weeks later and Negan was walking up Rick’s driveway. They had been continuing with their relationship smoothly. Not a hitch. Rick opened the door and let him in. They were going to watch Negan’s interview together. Carl had ordered pizza and Rick had cold beer waiting. Judith played with some toys on the family room floor. 

Negan sat next to Rick on the couch. Carl in the recliner. Pizza devoured. The tv was about to show the interview. 

Highlights of Negan’s career flashed on the screen. The win against the Roamers in 99. The win against the Kings in 03. Moments of glory and athletic prestige. And Rick couldn’t believe he never paid much attention to him back then. He almost couldn’t believe he was sitting next to him. A man who was having a tv special all about him. On a popular channel. That so many sports fans were watching. Rick felt cool. Or something.

And then the interview happened.

_ Negan sat relaxed. He wasn’t wearing his leather jacket or his red bandana. Instead he was wearing a nice long sleeve shirt, with the sleeves rolled up. The interviewer was an older man named Dale.  _

_ “Can you believe it’s almost been ten years since you’ve retired?” Dale asked, after the usual introductions were done. _

_ Negan let out a laugh and scratched his face. “No. You’re going to make me feel old.”  _

_ Dale laughed too. “Do you miss it?” _

_ “Of course.” Negan said. “I loved it. But eventually your body just can’t do it anymore. I probably would have never retired if my body didn’t turn against me. But...it was a good decision in the end.”  _

_ “This is your first interview since the passing of your wife, right?”  _

_ Negan shifted in his seat. “Yeah.”  _

_ “You’ve been pretty low key since then.”  _

_ “Yeah well...I got into trouble didn’t I?” _

_ “You know, we all have our bad moments.”  _

_ Negan started questioning if this was an interview or therapy. “Is there a question somewhere in there?”  _

_ “A lot of people still want to know about your part of the story. You never talked to anyone about it. We’ve heard a lot from Dwight.” Dale said. _

_ Negan rolled his eyes. “It was stupid. I know that. But losing Lucille...you know she...she was the only thing I had. And when that gets taken from you, and when you learn some bad information...it messes with you. She told me about her and Dwight the week she died. I lost it. I wanted someone to blame. I was wrong to do what I did. But...I can’t change any of it. So. What happened happened.” _

_ “How did you deal with all of that attention?”  _

_ Negan laughed. “I didn’t. Clearly…but I’m better now.”  _

_ “What have you been doing since all of that? Are you still living in L.A?” Dale asked. _

_ “No, I live in this little Nevada town called Red Canyon.”  _

_ “What’s in Red Canyon?”  _

_ Negan smirked. “My boyfriend.”  _

Rick froze on the couch. He felt his stomach flip. He instantly became hot. What the fuck did Negan just say. On ES-fucking-PN.

_ “You’re seeing someone?” Dale asked, kind of shocked. _

_ “Yeah.” Negan smiled gently. “He’s gonna kill me for saying all of this. But it’s the best thing that’s happened to me since Lucille died.” _

_ “A lot of people are going to be shocked.” Dale said, but he said it nicely.  _

_ “I know.” Negan leaned back in his chair. “But I don’t care what people think. And since we’re going there, I’m bi. Just for all the articles that are gonna come out about me.” Negan sneered. “He is too.” _

Rick couldn’t fucking believe what he was fucking hearing. Yeah he found it all sweet and endearing. But there weren’t a lot of fucking people in Red fucking Canyon. It also didn’t help that Negan said Rick was bi, which, he was, but it narrowed down the fucking search. Red Canyon wasn’t a stranger to different kinds of couples, but it was also small as shit. And it was getting more and more obvious that Negan was friends with Rick. That Rick was seeing someone. That he never fucking mentioned Beatrix anymore. Or any information about her. Rick felt like he was going to ignite.

_ “What does he do?” _

Rick couldn’t fucking breathe.

_ “Ah...I’ve already said too much.” Negan laughed. “You can ask me about baseball now.” _

_ Dale complied. _

Negan was shovelling pizza into his mouth when the interview ended. Rick’s gaze burned a hole in his leather. Carl cleared his throat.

“Uhhh...are you guys...dating?” 

Negan choked on his pizza. Rick leaned forward and rested his arms along his knees.

“Yes.” 

Negan was silent.

“I was gonna tell you Carl but I…”

“It’s okay…” Carl met Rick’s stare. “I get it.” 

“I should have told you already. Are...you cool with it?” Rick was almost scared to ask.

Negan and Rick both looked at him. 

“Yeah. I mean...it’s kind of...surprising. But also...I kind of picked up on it. I mean. You were really secretive about Beatrix, and then you were always hanging out with Negan. You aren’t exactly the best liar, dad.” 

Negan started laughing. Rick glared at him but smirked. “I guess not.”

Negan looked at Rick. “I’m sorry, Rick. Uh...they’re gonna be talking about me a lot after this. I shouldn’t have said anything but before I left I just...felt all goddamn romantic.” Negan sighed and tugged at his bandana. “I shouldn’t have mentioned Red Canyon. I’m such an idiot.” 

“If anyone has a problem they can fuck themselves.” Carl said.

Rick whipped his head towards Carl. “Hey!” 

Negan grinned wide. “You’re cool as shit, kid.” 

“Stop cursing!” Rick groaned. “Judith is right there.” 

The three looked at Judith who couldn’t be anymore asleep on the floor. They laughed. And for a split second Rick’s anxiety washed away. But then it came back. The roaring fear of media involvement. The fear of Red Canyon being put on the map. This was Negan’s first interview since beating the shit out of Dwight Austin. Eyes and ears were in tune to it. And Rick was scared of that.

“I’m going to take her to her bed.” Carl said, getting up from the recliner. “Dad, you can do whatever you want. You deserve to.” Carl picked up Judith. “I’ll see you in the morning.” 

“Carl.” Rick stopped him. “Thanks. You’re being really cool about it.” 

Carl shrugged. “I saw what mom dying did to you. And I see what this is doing to you too...It’s been three years. I’m over the ‘my dad dating is a problem’ phase.” 

Rick smirked. “Fair enough. Goodnight.” 

Carl took Judith upstairs. Rick sighed and slumped in the couch. Negan leaned over and rested his chin on Rick’s shoulder.

“I fucked up.” 

Rick closed his eyes and groaned. “Yeah…”

“Sorry Rick. But the night before the interview you sucked my dick and what can I say? It really did a number on me.” Negan laughed. God damn hyena…

Rick nudged him off. “You’re a jackass. You’re lucky Carl’s cool with it.”

“You got a good kid.” Negan said. “So...you really went through shit when Lori died, huh?”

Rick sighed. “Yeah...it was rough. I hallucinated her. I almost lost my mind. Sometimes I’d hallucinate my phone ringing and I would talk to her. It was fucked up. And Carl saw it all happen. Maybe that’s why he’s so...accepting of things these days. Because I almost destroyed my family.”

“Well...we’re a lot alike then. Except I just had myself. Which is probably why I went down a way more self-destructive path.” Negan tugged at his bandana again.

“Yeah...I don’t really wanna talk about it right now.” Rick said. “I’d rather just kiss you.” 

Negan slid his tongue between his teeth. “Damn Rick, alright.”

Negan lifted his legs onto the couch and leaned closer to Rick. He kissed Rick hard. Rick leaned into Negan and Negan fell back, taking Rick with him. Negan wrapped his legs around Rick’s body, his hands traveled down Rick’s pants. Rick let out a shaky exhale. 

“Not tonight.” Rick said.

Negan flashed his teeth in a wild grin. “Alright, darling.” Negan’s hands made their way back to Rick’s face. 

Rick moved down to Negan’s neck, one hand wrapped around the bandana. Negan breathed shallow.

“You can leave a mark if you want.” Negan said, eyes closed. “You can do whatever.” 

Rick smirked. “If I do then you’re going to magically lose your bandana.”

Negan laughed heartily. “You’ve got me all figured out.” 

“Mmhmm.” 

* * *

 

Rick watched Negan pull away. The black Plymouth Valiant disappeared down the street. Rick returned to the family room and sat down. He flipped on the ten o'clock news. There was something about a robbery at a small convenient store. But it happened months ago. Somewhere west a clerk was shot by a robber. Then the robber was shot. Blood encased the tile. The security cameras weren’t running, they were all for show. And the case wasn’t looked into much after that. But a lone detective went back to it. Found a car speeding away on a different camera. Gas station. Couldn’t make out the plates. But the car was noticeable enough.

A red Plymouth Valiant. 

Rick’s eyes didn’t move. Didn’t shift. Didn’t blink. 

_ “Anyway, that’s the whole movie. The guy being harassed drives a ‘71 red Plymouth Valiant. But I like black.” _

Rick finally closed his eyes. He tried to tell himself it was just a coincidence. But he fucking knew. Negan killed someone. Someone who killed someone else, yeah. But he fucking killed someone. And then he got his car painted black. Rick fell back into the couch. He fucking knew.

What did he get himself into? He didn’t fucking know anymore.


	7. White Roadkill Patterns

It was a calm evening. It usually was. But there was a coolness and it was relieving. Rick showed up to Michonne’s party alone. Carl and Judith were there, of course. But no Negan. He didn’t even ask. He couldn’t. Rick socialized vaguely. Trying to read everybody’s vitals. If they knew or not. If they even caught wind of the interview or the mention of Red Canyon. But no one seemed suspicious. Except for Carol. But she was always suspicious. 

Michonne went to take a smoke break around the side of her house. She lived in a moderately big home. With a nice pool. Nicer than Maggie and Glenn’s. Rick followed her.

“You want a cigarette?” She asked, pulling out a cigarette case. 

“Yeah.” Rick took one from the case, and let her light it.

“So.” Michonne breathed in the smoke and let it out. “Negan.” 

Rick took a long drag. He exhaled calmly. “You know?”

“I’m constantly keeping an eye on this town. Looking for stories. Possible clients. There was an article. Small website. Negan said he had a boyfriend in Red Canyon. You and him are friends. I doubted Beatrix from the start.” Michonne flicked the ashes from her cigarette. “People might catch on soon, Rick.”

Rick looked away towards something else. “Yeah, I know. But I’m hoping to be incognito for a while. Not that I really give a shit anymore. It’s been a little over two months I think. Which isn’t really a long time but when you’re older...things move faster I guess.”

“You’ll probably be able to stay out of people’s radar for a while. We aren’t exactly a sports crazy town. But...people are definitely talking about Negan. And I’m sure some journalists are going to try and track him down.”

“I didn’t expect all of this.” Rick said. “I wasn’t even looking for anything like that.”

“Yeah, I know.” Michonne smirked. “So...he’s a good guy?”

“He’s...yeah. I mean he’s him. But...I think sometimes he gets lost in the mask he’s made for himself.” Rick inhaled smoke. 

“Are you worried about Shane?”

“Yeah. I love the guy like a brother. But he fucking hates him already. I want to wait a little before telling him. I want to be secure in it all before I make it...completely public.” Rick sighed.

“You’re allowed to do that.” Michonne put out the cigarette on the bottom of her shoe. “Look, Rick. You’re a great guy. And this town put you through hell when Lori died. They shined a big fucking spotlight on you and you’re allowed to live in its shadows as long as you want.” 

“Fuck. Thanks.” 

Michonne smiled. “Oh thanks for bringing the dip by the way.” 

Rick laughed. “Yeah. No problem.”

The following week went by fast. Rick was working extra and didn’t have time to see Negan. Which was fine, because Negan was currently dealing with declining more interviews by nosy reporters. He wanted to lay low in Red Canyon again. He hardly left his house. But Rick noticed the large box full of canned food at the station. He smiled to himself, but his smile faded. The fucking red Plymouth Valiant. There was still that.

* * *

 

Rick picked up his phone at the end of his shift during the weekend.

“Hey.” He said.

Negan was currently driving. “Want me to pick you up?”

“Sure.” Rick said. They both hung up. Rick made his way to his house. He could feel his lungs tightening.

Rick was already waiting at the end of the driveway when Negan pulled up alongside it. Rick got in, fastened his seatbelt, and Negan took off. Windows open as usual. 

“How was your week?” Negan asked.

“When did you get this car?”

“What?” Negan huffed a laugh at Rick’s shift in conversation. 

“When did you get your car?”

“Uh, shit, like, three years ago?” Negan watched the road.

“Was it always black?”

“What??” 

“Was your car always black.” Rick said, but it wasn’t a question this time.

“Yes?”

Rick turned his head to Negan. “I know it was you. Don’t fucking lie to me.” Rick growled.

Negan scowled and the car turned ninety degrees into the open desert. He kept driving. Rick’s hand tightened on the door handle. He felt himself start to sweat. The car stopped. Dust trailed off into the air before settling. Negan turned the car off and looked at Rick.

“You know what was me?” Negan asked, baring teeth. 

Rick stared at him, wide eyed. He felt like he might die of fright. But he spoke anyway. “You killed that robber. West of here in wherever the fuck. Your car used to be red. Like in Duel. You painted it black after you fled the scene.” Rick shook his head.

Negan breathed shallow. His fingers tapped the steering wheel. “How do you know that?”

“Some fucking detective looked back into the case. It was on the fucking news last night. They know it was a red Plymouth Valiant. No plates, I’m assuming you changed yours anyway. Or you’re really a fucking idiot.”

“Fuck.” Negan breathed. “It was self defense. That fucker had trigger finger and he would have killed me when he saw me.”

“You got the gun from him. You shot him.”

“Yeah I know. Hence why I fled the fucking scene. I most likely didn’t have to kill him. But I did. And I freaked the fuck out. I told you I run away from everything. Gonna fucking arrest me?” 

Rick closed his eyes, his head tilted back. “Why did you keep this car?”

Negan looked down at the leather seat. “It was...the only thing I could bear seeing after Lucille died. She loved this car. She only got to have it for a year. I couldn’t get rid of it. Fuck that.” He growled.

“So keep it at your house in L.A. Fuck! Why are you still driving it??”

“I-”

“Negan...please. Get a different car.” Rick stared at Negan, eyes burning. “That detective ever comes through here looking for a Valiant...they might find you.” Rick suddenly felt like he was in the 50’s, the wife of a mob boss, begging him to go straight. Or some shit like that. 

“I’m allowed to own a fucking Valiant.” Negan scoffed.

Rick rolled his eyes. “I just don’t want…”

“Rick, nothing’s gonna happen. If anyone’s out looking they’re not gonna notice my car’s a fucking Valiant. And it’s black with different plates. Fucking Christ.” 

Rick realized Negan wasn’t going to stop driving the car. And by the sound of his voice, Rick could tell it would shatter him if he couldn’t. He tried to rationalize. That Red Canyon was small and who would come looking? That it was over an hour away from the robbery. Rick sighed.

“Well. At least we have the best lawyer in town.” Rick mumbled. “Her name’s Michonne, she knows, by the way. She read about the interview and put two and two together.”

“Rick…”

“I want to be on the down low for a little while longer, okay? I don’t want people to know yet. Not because I’m scared of what they will think, I’m not. But because I want us to only have to answer to us for a while…Fuck...” Rick looked down.  

“Whatever you want, darling.” Negan rested his arm behind the seat. “So. You still like me then?” 

“Unfortunately. Maybe it’s a lapse in judgement, I don’t know, I care and I don’t. It’s hard to give a fuck when you have nothing to give anymore.” 

“Rick I’m...fucking sorry about it. All of it. Like fuck. Maybe I should have stayed. Called the fucking cops…” 

“Yeah maybe.” Rick sighed.

“But if it never happened I would have never driven here.” Negan got quiet.

Rick raised his eyebrows and looked at him. “You know, you really set yourself up to be some cold badass who fucks people and moves on. You’re ruining your image.” 

“Oh fuck you, Rick. Not my fault you’re easy on the fucking eyes and you’ve got substance to spare.” 

“Hm. Oh. One more thing. You drive me out into the desert to scare me again and I’ll fucking beat the shit out you. Got it?”

Negan whistled through his teeth. “Got it. I’ll only do it when you wanna fuck.” 

Rick smirked. “Yeah? Well...why waste a trip out here then?” 

Negan grinned his wild grin. “Really? I’m glad you said that, I was thinking we could try something new.” 

Rick stared at Negan hesitantly. “I’m not...I don’t think I’m…” He started getting nervous. 

Negan laughed. “Relaaax, Rick. You don’t have to top me yet. Even though I’m fucking dying for it. I was just thinking you could lay on your back this time. I wanna see your face when I fuck your brains out.” 

Rick didn’t know if that made him even more nervous. He looked out into the desert and unbuckled his seatbelt. Negan laughed quietly. Rick always felt uneasy when Negan laughed. But he was in it this far already, there was no turning back. Rick reached his hand towards the radio. Negan grabbed his wrist. Rick froze. 

“No radio, Grimes.” Negan purred. “I want to hear every noise you make.” 

Rick felt the hair on the back of his neck stand up. Negan leaned in and kissed him. Rick laid down on the seat. Negan straddled him, holding Rick’s arms down. 

“You know, most people would have dumped me and turned me in or some shit.” Negan said.

Rick looked up at Negan. “It’s not like you did it purposefully.” 

“You should have seen the clerk, Rick. He was just a fucking kid. Probably in college or some shit. Fuck. I thought fast but...I wanted that robber dead. The kid didn’t even have the chance to finish opening the fucking register.” 

Rick felt a tear fall on his face. Negan blinked hard. His hands shook against Rick’s wrists.

“Negan…” 

Negan took one hand from Rick’s arm and wiped his eyes.

“F-fuck.” He cleared his throat. “Anyway, let’s fuck. I know you’re just dying for my fucking dick.” 

Rick grimaced but he let the comment go. He knew Negan was trying to do a 180 on his mood, and if saying stupid shit helps then fine. 

“Well Rick? You want it right?” Negan grabbed Rick’s crotch, hand pressing into Rick’s jeans. “You just love when I fuck you up the ass don’t you?” He purred. Rick felt light headed as Negan’s hand tightened over his pants. “You gonna answer me Grimes? Hm?” Negan leaned over Rick. “Does the deputy want me to fuck him?” He hissed in Rick’s ear.

Rick gripped at Negan’s shirt. “Fuck you.” He said. “Don’t make me change my goddamn mind.” 

“Oh you’re not gonna do that. You fucking love my big cock, Rick.” 

Rick shoved him but he couldn’t help but get even more turned on. “You haven’t talked to me like that before.” He said dryly.

Negan smirked playfully. “Well, I should have sooner. You’re hard as fuck.” Negan pulled Rick’s pants and shoes off. And then his own. He tugged playfully at Rick’s boxers. “You get new ones or something?”

“What?”

Negan laughed wildly. “The first time we fucked you had some baggy ass boxers. The last time and this time you have boxer briefs. Form fitting.” Negan eyed Rick. “You’re getting all red. Do you always get red when I’m fucking you?” 

Rick swallowed hard. Negan laughed again. He took his boxers off and then Rick’s. He banged on the glove compartment and it opened. Negan took out a condom and lube.

“Hang on.” He said, and grabbed a cigarette from his jacket pocket. He lit it. “I feel hot as fuck when I smoke and fuck someone. What do you think?” Negan pulled Rick up and took one of Rick’s leg and pushed it back toward Rick.

“Y-yeah.” Rick breathed.

Negan puffed smoke and laughed hoarsely. He guided his cock into Rick and thrusted forward. Rick gasped and Negan pushed Rick to get in a better position. Rick’s back arched upwards and his head went back. Negan flicked the cigarette ashes to the bottom of the car floor. He used one knee to rock back and forth. 

Negan whined and threw the cigarette out of his mouth. Rick lifted his head and looked at Negan. Negan blew the last bit of smoke out of his mouth. 

“Got...something to...fucking say, Rick?” He said, wincing and pushing harder into Rick. He grabbed Rick’s cock. Rick dropped his head back against the base of the seat and moaned. “That’s what I fucking thought.” Negan muttered out, breathing rapidly.

Negan grinned sinister watching Rick tilt his head back and close his eyes. He thrusted a few more times into Rick before giving out. Rick followed after, Negan released his hand and breathed deeply. He looked down at his jacket.

“Fuck Rick...you like to cum over all my shit.” He teased.

Rick kept his eyes closed and caught his breath. Negan took off his jacket and t-shirt. The only thing on was his bandana. He collapsed onto Rick. Rick’s eyes opened and he breathed sharply.

“Jesus Christ!” He yelled, winded.

“Hmmm…” Negan mumbled, nuzzled into Rick’s neck. 

“You’re suffocating me.” Rick said.

“Noi’mnot.”

“Yeah you are.” 

“PutyourfuckinglegsaroundmeRick.” 

“Negan I can’t fucking hear you you’re mumbling into my neck.” Rick nudged his shoulder forward.

Negan lifted his head, but only slightly. “I said put your goddamn motherfucking legs around me, Rick. Now.” 

Rick put his goddamn motherfucking legs around Negan.

“Happy?” Rick said.

“Very.” Negan pressed into Rick and kissed his neck.

“You know you kind of look like a stripper with just your bandana on…” Rick mused.

“Oh really?” 

“Shane thought you were a stripper. Well, Beatrix.” Rick laughed.

Negan lifted his head again and laughed hard, nearly shattering Rick’s eardrum. “Wow. I could see that.” 

“What? Beatrix being a stripper? Or you?” 

“Beatrix.” Negan purred. “But I’ll be one for you, Rick.” 

“That’s so fucking cheesy sounding.” Rick groaned.

“Mm...so...next time…uh…”

Rick rolled his eyes. “Alright. I’ll fucking top you.”

“Fuck, really?” 

“I guess. Don’t get your fucking hopes up.” 

“Didn’t you ever top your wife??” Negan asked.

Rick flushed. “Yeah...but she wasn’t...you.” 

“Me?” Negan chuckled.

“Yeah. You’re a fucking outlaw, remember?”

“Right, and you’re the lawman...speaking of...you have handcuffs right?” Negan loomed over Rick.

“Yeah…” Rick stared at Negan hesitantly. Negan only grinned. “You are not fucking handcuffing me-”

“Not you!” Negan’s voice cracked. “Me.” 

“You?” Rick raised his eyebrows.

“Yeah…” 

Rick started to laugh. Negan’s brow furrowed.

“The fucking fuck is so fucking funny?” Negan spat.

Rick shrugged. “I just didn’t expect that from you.” 

“Yeah well...can we fucking do that or not??” 

“Fine, fine.” 

“Good, I’m tired of jerking off to the idea.” Negan laughed.

“Are you fucking serious?” 

Negan let his body fall onto Rick. Rick breathed sharply again. 

“Dead serious. You telling me you haven’t jacked off to me yet?” Negan asked, voice muffled. Rick didn’t say anything. “If I get up am I gonna see your face all fucking red again?” 

“Fuck you.” 

Negan smirked. “Fuck me? That’s all I want Rick.”

“Ok but seriously you’re crushing me, get the hell off.” 

* * *

 

Negan dropped Rick off back home. He watched him walk inside. Habit. He always made sure Lucille could get in the door before driving off. The night was especially quiet. And Negan let the radio stay off. He tugged at his bandana. He leaned over, head down towards the seat, eyes off the road. But no one was on the road. Negan reached for a plastic bag under the seat. Filled with white. He no longer felt the need to tug on his bandana. 

Rick’s legs slid across the sheets. He was in the middle of his bed like always. He rolled over. Carl knew about Negan. Maybe he could spend the night. Fuck. Rick just wanted to sleep next to someone again. Just wanted someone to occupy the vacant spot. He was dancing with the devil. Does the devil even sleep?

* * *

 

The next evening Rick was sitting alongside one of the desert roads with Shane. He often wondered how calm Red Canyon could remain. Would someone come knocking? Wondering who the hell Negan was dating? Or would people easily forget? Probably not. 

“So how’s everything with Minnie?” Rick asked, picking his teeth with a toothpick that came with their tacos. 

Shane tossed a napkin into the fast food bag. “Actually we broke up...I’m dating someone else.” 

Rick turned to face Shane, shocked. “Shit man, really?” 

“Yeah. You’re not the only one around here who keeps their mouth shut.” 

Rick raised his eyebrows. “You wanna go there?”

“Why not?” Shane’s eyes might as well have been blinding lights.

“Look, Negan isn’t a bad guy.” Rick said. “He just makes bad first impressions.”

“Yeah clearly…”

“Are you gonna tell me who you’re dating or not?” Rick smirked.

Shane tried to hide a smile but couldn’t. “Sasha.” 

“What??” Rick hit Shane on the shoulder. “No way!” 

“It just happened. I mean, me and Minnie broke up before. And one day, when you weren’t at work, Sasha came in. She needed some paperwork for the fire station. And something was just different, man.” 

“Wow.”

“Can I ask about Beatrix or are you gonna give me the cold shoulder?” Shane asked.

Rick rolled his eyes. “Uh, that’s not really a thing anymore.” Rick wanted to dissolve the entire Beatrix situation. He felt it would be easier if there was no evidence of him dating someone anymore. 

“Oh fuck, I’m sorry.”

“No, it’s cool. I mean it wasn’t really a developed thing anyway.” Rick looked out into the desert. Then a call came on the dispatch.

“Hey Rick it’s Abraham, you gotta get to the station. You’re friend Negan is asking for you.” 

Rick was looking at the radio but he could feel Shane’s gaze burn right through his soul. Rick picked up the radio. 

“What’s going on?” 

“Just get here.” 

Rick turned the car around and drove to the station. The orange and red landscape blurring past his peripheral. If Shane kept staring, Rick would soon be ashes. Maybe that wouldn’t be such a bad thing. Rick parked awry in the lot. He tried to beat Shane to the door.

Negan was sitting in a seat by Rick’s desk, handcuffed to it. Rosita had her arms crossed, one foot tapping. Abraham turned around when he heard Rick and Shane walk in. 

“What’s happening here?” Rick asked. He stared at Negan. Fear shot through him. He didn’t know why.

“He was speeding. And on cocaine.” Rosita said, her voice a straight line.

“What??” Rick almost laughed. Almost. Because at this point he was wondering if the universe was really doing this to him. A sheriff's deputy fucking the cocaine-using-speeding-fighting-outlaw. Yeah, that sounds real fucking professional. 

Negan sniffed. And Rick grimaced at the sheer fucking audacity even though he knew that couldn’t be helped. 

“Rick, I-”

“Don’t fucking talk. Why am I here?” Rick asked. 

“He was asking for you. Wouldn’t let us continue.” Abraham said. “We’re trying to put him under goddamn arrest.” 

Rick’s eyes flicked towards Abraham. “Don’t do that.” 

“What??” Shane asked.

Rick ignored him. “Look, he’s...fucked up. He needs a chance.” 

“He’s had multiple chances, Rick. Jesus fucking Christ! You don’t need to be the savior.” Shane yelled behind him. “I’m going to call Morgan.” 

“Good, call Morgan. I’ll talk to him.” Rick said.

Morgan was the sheriff. He was elected by the people of Red Canyon, and Rick found him to be a reasonable man. Especially over the past few years. Shane was explaining the situation to him. He angrily handed Rick the phone. Rick walked away. 

“Morgan. I know he’s getting into trouble. But he’s going to get a hell of a lot worse if he has to go to jail. I can talk to him. I can keep an eye on him. A better eye.” Rick sighed.

“Rick...Red Canyon hasn’t dealt with anything like this since-”

“Since me. I know. But I’m better now, right? He just needs someone. He lost his wife, Morgan. I can help him.” 

“This is the only chance I can give you, Rick. I can’t jeopardize our legality. But you know I believe in redemption.” Morgan laughed lightly. “We all get a little messed up at one point or another. But Rick...anything happens with him again, and he’s out. Whatever that means at the time.” 

Rick closed his eyes and inhaled deeply. “Thank you.” 

Rick walked back to the main room. Beth was sitting awkwardly at her desk, trying not to stare. Rick took the keys to the handcuffs and uncuffed Negan.

“What the fuck??” Shane asked. “Morgan is really letting you release him?” 

“Yeah.” Rick replied coldly. 

Rosita groaned and walked away. Abraham huffed and followed her. 

“Thanks Rick.” Negan said weakly. 

“Fuck you.” Rick said. “I’m driving you home. Where’s your car?”

“I don’t know on the side of one of these fucking roads.” 

Shane walked up to Rick and Negan. He pointed a finger at Negan. “You’re lucky Rick likes you, asshole. Don’t fucking try anything again.”

“Message received.” Negan muttered. 

Shane gave Rick one final look of betrayal and stormed away.

“He’ll get over it.” Rick said. “And I’ll drive you to get your car tomorrow. Come on.” 

Rick led Negan out into the parking lot. Negan got into the passenger seat of Rick’s car. He stared ahead and Rick drove towards his neighborhood. 

“What the fuck, Negan?” Rick asked. “I thought you said you quit that shit.” Rick spat.

Negan slumped in his seat like a teenager. “It’s not a big deal. It’s just recreational.” 

Rick laughed hoarsely. “Recreational?? Then do it in your fucking house not when you’re fucking driving. You would have lost your license you fucking asshole. You could have gone to jail.” 

Negan was silent. His head turned into his shoulder.

“It’s been two years.” Negan said.

“What?” 

“It’s officially been two years. Since Lucille died. And I feel like...I haven’t even begun to move on. Obviously I have, with you. But I mean...mentally. Maybe it’s because I’ve been running around the west coast. Not living back home, in it. Not really talking to family. My old friends. It fucking hurts so bad still. So sorry about tonight.” 

“Shit.” Rick breathed. “You’re going to be alright, Negan. Trust me.”

“I do trust you.” Negan shifted in his seat and laid his head against Rick’s leg. He fell asleep before Rick got to his house.

* * *

 

The next couple of weeks were awkward and uncomfortable. Rick and Shane tiptoed around each other. Negan actually laid low. The dust was settling. 

Red dirt kicked into the air as a car came through Red Canyon. Nothing fancy. Kind of shitty. The driver stuck her arm out of the window. A cigarette in hand. She took her hand and wiped the sweat off of her forehead. Not even her buzzed hair helped with the heat. She pulled into the Motel Ponderosa. She unfolded a piece of paper. On it was a printed out image of a red Plymouth Valiant. She looked up past her sunglasses. Maybe she would get lucky here.

* * *

 

Rick and Negan were talking on the phone. Rick was currently trying to clean up his room. Judith was with Carl downstairs.

“The Motel Ponderosa?” Rick asked. “I don’t know. My friends Maggie and Glenn run it, they’ll see us. Can we just meet at your place?” 

“Come on Rick, don’t you wanna create a vibe?” Negan laughed over the line. 

“Not really. Look I’m already…” Rick sighed, both at the conversation and at the mess in his closet. “Pick me up, we’ll go to your place, and...whatever.” 

“What if Shane sees us?” Negan mused.

“He’s not going to because you’re going to pull into your garage.” 

“Riiick. How about I get a room, then let you in?” 

Rick rolled his eyes and groaned. “They’ll be wondering why the hell you’re getting a room.” 

“I got a hot date, Rick. Jesus, all they’re gonna think is that I’m about to fuck some hot chick. Like the gymnast I told you about. Man she was something else.”

“Are you trying to make me jealous or something?” Rick said.

“Haha...no. Come on, Rick. Haven’t you ever wanted to fuck in a motel before?” Negan replied.

“Who says I haven’t?” 

“Then we’re good to go. I’ll park out back too for your ease of mind. I’ll pick you up around nine. A little early for my taste but...it’s fine.” Negan smirked.

“Okay. You win.” 

“Good.” 

Rick hung up the phone and threw it on a pile of dirty clothes. He stared at his closet for awhile, not sure what to clean next. He didn’t know what he was doing. He never knew what he was doing when it came to Negan. But fuck if he felt alive. It was almost like a movie. But he couldn’t predict the ending. He felt his stomach turn. A fear shot through him like an arrow. What if it ended badly? Cataclysmal. Rick breathed deeply and resumed what he was doing. There was no point worrying over things that might not even happen. 


	8. Dangerous Eyes

**** There were low lights at the Motel Ponderosa. Fazing into the black of the night. A bug zapper went off somewhere. Maggie was standing at the motel’s front desk. “And your name?” She asked the woman in front of her. Maggie was holding a pen.

“Alpha.”

“Here’s your key.” Maggie smiled and handed Alpha her room key. “What brings you to Red Canyon?” 

Alpha smirked. “I’m tracking down an outlaw.”

Maggie’s expression changed to confusion. “Oh…okay.” 

Alpha only smiled and walked away. She made her way to her room and laid out her belongings. She used the small table to scatter all of her information. Which was mostly just detailed images of what a Plymouth Valiant was supposed to look like. She didn’t know if she was ever gonna find the car. Or the person who shot the robber. But she had nothing better to do. And she liked a good hunt. In her experience, criminals don’t exactly get too far from the scene of the crime. But she already knew that Red Canyon held who she was looking for. Alpha wasn’t seeking justice. There wasn’t really justice to give. The robber shot the clerk, a young guy named Noah. Someone shot the robber, and bam. Gone. But there was man she knew and he was wild and unhinged. And all she wanted was to see if the puzzle pieces fit together. You can’t run from the law forever. Curiosity was a killer.

* * *

 

Negan hummed as Rick got into his car. He looked at Rick, waiting. 

“I have the handcuffs.” Rick said dryly. “No need to panic.” 

Negan snorted a laugh. “Cool.” 

Negan pulled into the motel, it’s neon sign displaying a shining teal cactus. Negan drove the Valiant through the parking lot. They passed a shitty car. Negan pulled around back. Rick exhaled when they pulled alongside the dumpster. Maybe there was a metaphor in there. Negan told Rick to wait.

“I’m just looking for a room for the night.” Negan said, facing Maggie in the motel lobby.

“Hey I know you.” Maggie said. “You’re the baseball guy everyone’s talking about.”

“Uh, yeah.” Negan cleared his throat, his eyes settling on one of the many succulents placed on a shelf behind Maggie. 

Maggie placed her arms on the counter. “I thought you had a house here.” 

“I do.”

“So why do you need a motel room?” Maggie questioned, her gaze striking Negan. 

Negan scratched his face. “My house is being fumigated.”

“I hope you’re clean…” 

“I am. Look I just need to get some sleep. Can I have a room?” 

“Yeah. Your name is Negan right?”

“Yeah...hey do those cameras work?” Negan pointed to the ceiling.

Maggie sighed in annoyance. “No. They’re broken.”

“Hm.” 

Maggie handed him a room key. Negan found the room and walked inside. He breathed deeply in and out. Maggie was definitely smart. But she didn’t ask too many questions. Thank God. Negan texted Rick the room number. On his way up, he passed a woman. He watched her get into the shitty car and drive away. Rick put his hand on the door handle. It swung open, almost sending Rick to the ground.

“Were you staring out of the peephole??” Rick asked, regaining his balance.

Negan laughed, a croaking kind that reverberating in Rick’s mind. “Yeah.” 

Rick walked into the room. He tossed a small bag on the bed. Negan had one too. Rick didn’t say anything. The motel room was lit softly by a floor lamp. Rick remembered Glenn say something about needing more lighting. The painting above the bed was of a desert. A horse in the distance. 

“You okay, Rick?” Negan mused from behind him. Rick felt Negan pull at his belt, turning him around. “Don’t tell me you’re still all nervous?” 

Rick’s eyes darted around Negan’s face. How did he end up here? With him. It didn’t feel real half the time. And the other half of the time it felt too real. 

“Anxious, I guess.” Rick said.

“Why?”

Rick glared up at Negan. His height seeming exaggerated this time around. Or maybe Rick just never felt this intimidated by him before. Maybe this was just a midlife crisis. Rick could get out now. Leave without a trace. But no. He didn’t want to do that.

“Rick. Why are you anxious?” Negan tugged the belt.

Rick cleared his throat. He felt it burn. How does a grown man tell another grown man he’s insecure? He doesn’t. But Rick wanted to explain.

“I’m...not...confident.” Rick got out. His southern drawl breaking through a whisper. “Trust me you won’t...you might not…”

“Darling. Stop. I don’t give a fuck how it is, I want you, alright? Jesus. Don’t tell me you’re gonna stall again?” Negan laughed. 

Rick winced. “N-no.”

“Damn, Rick. Just when I think I’m polluting your mind you have to go and show me what a fucking suburban saint you are.” Negan grinned wickedly. “Don’t worry Rick. I’ll guide ya through it.” Negan tilted Rick’s face up towards his. “Come on.”

Negan stepped away from Rick and took off his jacket and bandana. He pulled something out of his bag. 

“Is that an i-Pod?” Rick scoffed.

Negan flicked his eyes towards him. “Rick, I’m trying to create a fucking vibe remember?” Negan shoved the i-Pod onto the radio dock on the nightstand. He opened a playlist.

“Sexy 70’s music.” Negan said. “This shit really does it for me.” Rick watched Negan take the bags off of the bed. He rummaged through Rick’s and pulled out the handcuffs. “Fuck yeah. I haven’t done anything like this since Lucille. Boy did she know what she was doing. We did all kinds of shit.” Negan looked back at Rick. “But don’t worry, you don’t have to know what you're doing.” He laughed but it didn’t comfort Rick.

Negan stripped. Rick followed. He was nervous as fuck, but the music was helping cover it. Negan tossed Rick the lube and box of condoms. He laughed and got on the bed, spreading out a sheet he brought from home. He then cuffed one of his wrists. 

“You can do the other.” He purred, looking back at Rick. Rick walked over to Negan and took the handcuffs, looping them through the bed frame and cuffing Negan’s other hand. “You can turn off the light if you want.” Negan said.

Rick didn’t say anything. Negan shifted on the bed and looked behind him as Rick walked back towards him. He felt a belt tighten around his neck. 

“What the fuck??” Negan asked. 

“You’re neck looks weird without anything around it.” Rick mused. 

“Shiiiit. Trying to get your sinner horns?” 

“Shut up.” Rick said. He flicked the light off. Light from outside filtered in, creating a teal atmosphere. The music wasn’t too loud, but it set the mood enough. Rick kneeled on the bed behind Negan. A million thoughts racing through his mind. 

“Come on Rick.” Negan said through the music. “Fuck me.”

Rick didn’t hesitate and guided his cock into Negan. He almost jumped when Negan yelled out. Wondering when Negan was finally going to scare him to death. Negan’s head pressed into the sheets, his vision blurring. Rick focused on what he was doing, trying to create a rhythm. He felt himself start to get lost in the moment, his nerves drifting away.

“That’s it Rick.” Negan whined. “Harder.”

Rick was about to thrust forward when Negan moved back to Rick himself. Negan started rocking back and forth, Rick tried to keep up.

“Fuck Rick, fuck Rickkk….” Negan whimpered, catching Rick off guard even more. His legs shook, and he couldn’t help but keep pushing into Rick, the desperation overtook him. Breath was sharp and shallow. “F-f-fuckkk…” 

“Stop! You want me to do this or not?” Rick growled, grabbing Negan’s hips tightly to stop Negan from moving. 

Negan whined, his back arching. “S-sorry.” He breathed out. Barely.

Rick thrusted into Negan again, taking over. He breathed heavily, and dug his nails into Negan’s hips. Rick leaned forward to stroke Negan’s dick, a move Negan had used, causing Negan to whine again. Negan pressed his face into his elbows, fingers bending above his head. Rick almost didn’t recognize him. 

“Are you ready?” Rick asked minutes later. He saw Negan nod, but Negan couldn’t hold back anymore. He shook under Rick. Rick breathed sharply when he thrusted into Negan one last time. He felt dizzy and let himself collapse onto the bed next to Negan. 

Negan’s legs straightened out against the sheets, his stomach felt the wetness from them. He faced Rick, cheek pressed into the bed. 

“I might love you.” He said, catching his breath.

Rick looked over at him. “What?” 

“I think I love you.” Negan whispered.

“You’re just on a high.”

“That’s not it.” 

Rick didn’t say anything. That familiar sense of fear shot through him again. And he finally realized what it was. He was falling in love with Negan too. Rick got up and put his boxers back on. He walked over to Negan with the key to the cuffs.

“Uh, what about you Rick?” Negan suddenly felt embarrassed. A moment of weakness. 

Rick exhaled deeply. “Yes.” He said quietly. 

Negan rolled over on his back after Rick took the handcuffs away. The belt around his neck remained. “We’re pretty fucked up huh?” 

Rick smirked and then nodded towards the shower. “You want to?”

Negan grinned wickedly. “Of fucking course.” Negan undid the belt and threw it to the floor. Rick discarded his boxers again.

Negan followed Rick into the shower. The hot water acting as a purifier. Negan poured the small bottle of soap onto his body. The white tile shined brightly from the fluorescent lights and the glass door began to steam.

“I think you fucked me into the next dimension, Rick.” Negan said running his hands over his eyes as water ran over his face.

“Yeah you...were definitely...something else.” Rick laughed a little.

Negan’s eyes met Rick’s. “What’s that mean?” He asked, smiling dangerously.

Rick shrugged, leaning against the end wall of the shower. “Nothing. I just don’t think I’m gonna be intimidated by you anymore.” 

Negan raised his eyebrows, Rick noticed him turn red. Negan placed his palms on the wall, each hand beside Rick’s head. “Oh Rick, don’t even try and get me to make you whine like that.” He growled. 

Rick scoffed. “Well, good to know you have more in you than what you’ve already given me.” 

Negan bit his lip and shot Rick a wild look. “You just love riling me up don’t you, Grimes?” 

“It doesn’t take much.”

Negan took one hand off the wall, slowly moving it towards Rick’s neck. “Fuck you.” He smirked and kissed Rick. Water hit his back. But it wasn’t hot enough for him. 

The Valiant behind the dumpster emerged. Making contact with midnight. Rick hung his arm out the window, the summer air made him feel free and young again. He watched the darkened red desert pass by him. It’s flat land going for miles and miles. Soft music buzzed over the radio and cigarette smoke blew out the driver side window. The habit of watching Rick enter his home didn’t budge with Negan. He saw the door close, and sped off.

* * *

 

Rick was standing by his kitchen island, making dinner. Carl was on his laptop. Judith in the family room. Rick had the windows open. 

“I got my schedule.” Carl said, unenthused. 

“Your school schedule?” Rick asked.

“Yeah. It sucks.” 

“Why?”

“None of my friends are in my classes until the second half of the year.” Carl sighed.

“Maybe you’ll make new friends.” Rick replied. 

Carl groaned. “It’s my last year, everyone already knows everyone. At least I have friends at lunch…” 

It was currently August, going on three months since Rick and Negan started their relationship. It made Rick nervous. But they had already admitted they had fallen. Any red flags that had popped up had left by now. If Rick wasn’t going to see them, or deal with them, then why bother warning him anymore? Carl was entering his senior year of high school, which also made Rick nervous. 

“So how’s things with Negan?” Carl asked, almost quietly, as if their house had been bugged by the entire town. 

Rick smirked to himself, chopping up some kind of vegetable that the kids didn’t completely hate. “It’s going well.”

“Maybe you should have him over for dinner sometime.” Carl said. “You’re allowed to do that.” 

Rick looked over at the kitchen table. “I know.”

“I’m just saying...you don’t have to sneak around like you’re Romeo and Juliet.” Carl mumbled.

Something in Rick’s head chimed, like he remembered Negan calling them that or something. He couldn’t remember anymore. He appreciated Carl though, but a part of him could tell it annoyed Carl how Rick always seemed to hide it. 

“Maybe this week then.” Rick said. He thought of the Valiant parked in the driveway. He didn’t want to see that car. It made him feel sick. “So, you and Enid?”

Carl looked over and smirked. “We’re good. She’s already talking about prom. She wants me to still make a big deal asking her to it.”

“You have to. It’s like a marriage proposal for kids.” Rick laughed. 

“Did you go to your prom?” Carl asked.

“Yeah. I took this girl named Andrea. She dumped me during the night for this new kid, Phil or something. Sucked.” Rick laughed again, and Carl laughed too. And suddenly Rick was wondering if Negan went to prom. He probably fucked his date AT prom. He totally fucking would. That fucking asshole. Rick laughed to himself. 

“Well, hopefully that doesn’t happen to me.” Carl said. “I know Ron Anderson likes her.” And the way Carl said Ron Anderson told Rick everything he needed to know. “I’m glad you never dated his mom.” 

Rick couldn’t help but smirk, but a part of him wondered what would have been worse. Ron becoming Carl’s step brother or Negan becoming Carl’s stepdad. Rick quickly blocked the thought. Step-dad. What the fuck was he thinking? That wasn’t going to happen. Who knew what the hell was going to happen. Not that. Rick thought. Not that. But…

Rick’s thoughts shifted when he dropped a can on the floor. Christ.

* * *

 

“So…” Shane began. It was especially hot out. They had the windows up, AC blasting. “I’ve been doing a lot of thinking.”

Rick sighed deeply and looked over at Shane. “Yeah?” 

“Just...I don’t know man, I guess I’m sorry. I don’t like the guy but, if you’re cool with him then...whatever.” 

Shane didn’t fool Rick...and Rick knew he was only waving the white flag so they could stop clearing their throats around each other and avoiding eggshells. Shane would still definitely lose his shit if he knew about Negan and Rick. Rick knew that for a fact. But still, if Shane was willing to just drop the whole angry act that was fine with Rick.

“Thanks.” Rick replied. 

“Sasha says there some new girl in town. At the motel. Says she’s a detective.” Shane said.

Rick felt his body turn to ice. “A detective?”

“Yeah. She was in the diner asking about a red car or something. Sasha didn’t really hear her. You know, it’s like everyone in this town is normal except for the people who pass through it.” 

“Hm.” Rick looked at the road. “Weird.” 

“Yeah.” 

Rick took out his phone and texted Negan. “Want me to pick you up for dinner my house tonight?” 

Negan was busy watching Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. He heard his phone ding from the kitchen and begrudgingly got up to look at it. He immediately smiled when he realized it was Rick. “Fuck yeah.” He responded.

* * *

 

Rick picked Carl up from his afternoon practice, Judith was in her car seat with grocery bags next to her. Carl eyed them up.

“What’s all this?” He asked.

“I’m bringing Negan over for dinner.” Rick replied, eyes on the road.

“Oh, okay.” 

“You okay?” Rick asked, wondering about the change in the mood.

“Does anyone know about you guys yet?” 

“Just you and Michonne.” Rick said, looking over at Carl. “Why?”

“Nothing. Just...I don’t know. Why are you hiding it?” Carl asked. He was annoyed. And it made Rick feel bad.

Rick looked back to the road, something felt caught in his throat. “It’s complicated.”

“Why?”

Rick sighed. “Negan is not...the type of person this town is used to. I’m hoping he adjusts more and then it won’t be such a shock.” 

“You really think people will care that much?” 

“Yeah, I do. Some people.” Rick said. “Besides, not everyone is entitled to my business.”

“Sorry.” Carl mumbled.

“It’s fine. But Carl, sometimes it’s good to just keep things to yourself. Sometimes it’s more freeing than sharing it with everyone.” Rick hoped there was advice somewhere lodged in that statement.

* * *

 

Rick found Negan waiting by his front door, dressed in his usual leather jacket and red bandana. Negan walked down his driveway and got into Rick’s car. 

“So why are you playing chauffeur?” Negan asked. 

“Neighbors.” Rick said.

Negan groaned. “When are you gonna stop giving a shit?” 

“When you stop getting into trouble.” Rick replied. 

“Fair enough.” Negan said.

Rick pulled into his driveway. Negan followed him inside to the kitchen. Carl was upstairs watching Judith. Rick started getting food ready to prepare.

“So what are you making, darling?” Negan asked, leaning on the kitchen island.

“Blackened salmon. And sides, you’ll see.” 

“Nice.” Negan opened up the fridge and grabbed a beer. “Can I have one?” 

“Yeah.” Rick replied, busy with the food. “Oh...there’s a detective in town.” 

Negan looked at Rick. “What? Like...a detective detective? 

Rick nodded. “Looking for a red car.” 

Negan lifted his head to the ceiling. “Fuuuuckkk. What are the fucking odds?” 

“I don’t fucking know. You rolled into here coming from that convenience store so I guess, she did too. Actually, I think I saw her. At the motel.” Rick said.

“Okay I’ll just...lay low till she fucks on outta here. Wait, it’s a woman?” 

“Yeah? So?”

“Nothing…” Negan only let half his mind wander. He knew a female detective...there was no fucking way…

Rick looked anxious. 

“Riiick, don’t worry. Nothing’s gonna happen to me.” Negan said, moving closer to Rick and nuzzling into his neck. “By the way, don’t think I haven’t forgot about getting my payback for our motel rendezvous.” He said lowly.

Rick shoved him off playfully. “Stop.” He laughed.

“It’s gonna happen Grimes. Just you wait.” Negan started to kiss Rick.

“UGHH.” Carl groaned, appearing out of thin air. Rick and Negan turned around quickly. Carl was holding Judith.

“H-hey kid!” Negan laughed. “What’s your problem, I thought you were like...our number one fan.” 

“I’m okay with you two dating but I don’t need to see you like... _ that _ .” Carl mumbled. 

“I don’t know what to tell ya kid, there’s gonna be a lot of  _ that _ happenin-” Rick jabbed Negan in the side with his elbow. “But I get it.” Negan laughed hoarsely. “No kid wants to see their parent’s PDA.” Negan cracked himself up. Rick grimaced.

“Sorry Carl.” Rick said, and he wondered how weird it must be to see him kissing someone else. Someone so different from Lori. 

Carl only shrugged, he put Judith down. She ran over to Rick. 

“Daddy!” She said, making grabbing motions with her hands. 

Rick wiped his hands on his jeans and picked her up. “Hey sweetie.” He said gently. “You remember Negan.” 

“Neeg!” Judith made the same hand motions, but this time to Negan. Rick hesitantly handed her over. 

“How are you today, Judith?” He asked, poking her nose with his free hand.

“Good!” She giggled. 

Rick wanted to frame the moment. Put it on a fucking billboard in front of town. See? Negan’s not an outlaw! He’s got a heart. He’s not bad...he’s…

Rick felt a burning sensation in his head. And a million thoughts raced through it at once. Could their relationship be domestic? Is that what Rick wanted? Not at first, definitely. The man that grinned at him that first day they met seemed like a stranger now. An old image from a movie. But now...now he thought there was a real shot. That this could be something. Rick knew he couldn’t blind himself from Negan’s nature. But God, sometimes Negan made it so easy.

* * *

 

After dinner was over Carl went out with Sophia. Judith eventually went to bed. Rick was still cleaning the dishes. Negan was leaning against the counter. 

“So, dinner was good.” Negan said.

“Yeah.” Rick smiled. “I can’t believe it, honestly. You get along with them great.” 

Negan raised his eyebrows. “Hm, not sure if I should be insulted or not.”

“You know damn well why I say that.”

Negan laughed. “You’re right.”

“Um…” 

Negan gazed at Rick. “What?”

Rick felt breathless. He was gripping the bottle of dish soap in his hand. “Would you want...to...um...spend the night?”

Negan hesitated, he opened his mouth but no words came out. Soap spilled onto Rick’s hand, he was staring forward. And suddenly he was crying.

“Woah!” Negan lifted off of the counter. “Rick, what’s wrong??”

Rick dropped the soap bottle and put his other hand to his eyes. “Fuck! You don’t do that right?” Rick said, his voice sharp and sad.

“Rick I...I will. You just caught me off guard.” 

“You sure…?” Rick looked up at him, eyes on fire.

“Yeah...look this is all…” Negan shook his head, he tried to find the right words. “After Lucille I told myself I wouldn’t have that again. That I didn’t want it. But fuck, that’s a lie. But still...it’s kind of hard to get back to that kind of mindset. Sorry.” 

Rick wiped his eyes. “It’s just becoming so fucking unbearable. I have bad nightmares when I’m alone.” 

“Really?”

“Yeah...Lori would travel for work sometimes. And it was always awful. So...you can imagine what the last three years has been. It was better for a little bit. But lately...sometimes I don’t even fucking sleep.”

Negan looked at Rick longingly. He was learning something new about Rick. And realizing that he still didn’t know him completely. And vice-versa. 

“You’ve got a way, Rick Grimes…”

Rick looked at Negan, confused.

“Anyone ever tell you how beautiful you are?” Negan asked softly.

“Not beautiful.” Rick said. “Other words, but not that.” 

“Well, you are. And for you, I’d spend every night.” Negan didn’t care how stupid that sounded. He leaned forward and kissed Rick softly, his hand finding it’s way onto Rick’s back. Rick wrapped his arms around Negan’s neck. 

* * *

 

Negan took a snapshot of Rick’s room. It was clean. Minimalist. Unlike his own, which was full of Southwestern decor. He looked at the closet, clothes were spilling out of it.

“I didn’t get a chance to finish cleaning that…” Rick said, closing the door. 

“Trust me, I won’t judge.” Negan kicked off his shoes, leaving them by the dresser that made its home against the wall in front of the bed. Negan looked at the bed and was hit with a cold sadness. Two pillows stacked on one another laid in the center along the headboard. 

Rick emerged from the closet with two more pillows, he went over to the bed and moved his own to the side. He looked at Negan with sad eyes.

“After Lori died I kept reaching over. But no one was ever there. Eventually I gave up and moved to the middle.” Rick sighed.

“Shit, Rick. We need to cheer you up.” Negan said. 

“Mm.” Rick mumbled. “It’s one of those nights I guess.” 

“Bullshit.” 

Rick flopped on the bed, he took his shoes off and let them fall to the floor. He leaned himself upright against the headboard. Negan flicked the lightswitch by the dresser. He discarded his clothes until he was only wearing his boxer briefs. Coal. He hopped onto the bed and moved over to Rick, who was still fully dressed.

“You overthink, Rick.” Negan said, before kissing him. 

Rick broke free for a moment. “I know.” 

Negan straddled Rick’s lap, he had to lean down to kiss Rick and Rick figured they should switch positions. Negan kissed Rick hard. His hand travelling to Rick’s belt. His pants were soon on the floor. Negan kissed Rick again and grinded into him. Rick could easily feel Negan’s erection through his underwear. Rick knew he was probably red. Oh well. 

Negan laughed low, he moved away from Rick and put his fingers in the elastic of Rick’s boxers. He took them off with one swift motion. Rick sat there, watching Negan carefully. Negan resumed kissing Rick, moving to his neck. His hand travelled to Rick’s thigh, and Rick breathed sharply. Negan backed away from Rick and lowered his head. Rick grabbed Negan’s hair when Negan put his mouth on Rick’s cock. His head tilted back, knees lifting as Negan moved his head forward and back. Negan’s hands grabbed Rick’s thighs, pushing his legs closer to his chest. Rick gasped softly. His eyes trailed to the ceiling, hands messing up Negan’s hair. He felt Negan’s fingers wrap around his thighs tightly, and Rick didn’t remember anything feeling better than this. He finally succumbed, his voice quiet and hoarse. Negan swallowed and moved up to Rick’s neck, hand trailing lightly around his cock, causing Rick to twitch and lose his breath. 

“See? I knew I could cheer you up.” Negan whispered, his voice gravelly. “You’re an easy man to please, Rick Grimes.” Rick didn’t say anything, sweat lined his forehead, and his hands shakily rested on Negan’s hips.

Rick put his boxers back on, and him and Negan were now under the covers. Rick felt comfortable in his own bed for the first time in years. Negan was pressed against him, acting as the big spoon. 

“I haven’t cuddled in a million years.” Negan mused. “Even with Lucille. She wasn’t much of a cuddler.”

“I’m surprised you are.” Rick said. 

“Oh baby I’m the king of cuddles.” Negan laughed softly. “And the king of other stuff.” 

“Yeah sure.” Rick replied. 

“You’ll see.” 

“Hm.”

“But cuddles, man. Cuddles fucking rock.” Negan squeezed Rick tighter. “So, do you feel better?”

Rick stared ahead, eyes wavering along the shutters. “Yeah sorry...to be honest it wasn’t you hesitating that upset me. I was already heading for a breakdown before I even asked you to spend the night. I’m starting to realize I still have a lot of fucking baggage.”

“Rick don’t worry about it. We all have baggage. Hell I got a storage unit if we’re being honest.” And then Negan thought about his time in New Mexico. Fuck. 

“I really like you.” Rick said quietly. “It kind of scares me.” 

“I know. Me too.” Negan replied, and his answer surprised Rick. “You’ve got a fucking way, Grimes…” 

“You already said that.” 

“And I’ll keep saying it. I don’t know what it is about you. I really thought I’d be living on the edge for the rest of my life. But here I am...fucking cuddling.” Negan laughed softly. “I think Lucille would be happy. I’m sure I really pissed her off with my...lifestyle before I met you..” 

“Yeah. I can imagine.” Rick wondered what Lori would be thinking right now. A part of him didn’t want to know. “Did you go to your prom?” Rick asked, head tilted slightly to hear Negan’s response.

“My prom?” Negan laughed at the random question. “Yeah I did.”

“My date left me for the new kid.” Rick laughed. 

“Shit, really? I caught my date fucking my best friend in the bathroom.” Negan said. “First time I was cheated on. Shit. I have bad luck.” 

“Not anymore.” Rick said. 

“Hey Rick...I have to tell you about something…” Negan replied, but soon realized Rick had already fallen asleep. He sighed and closed his eyes. Some other time. 

Rick didn’t have any nightmares that night.

* * *

 

A few days later and Negan was sitting by himself in the diner. Rick was at work, probably sitting at another intersection waiting for something to happen. It was quiet in the diner. Calm. Negan drank coffee and ate french toast. Someone sat down next to him.

“There you are.” The voice said, in a familiar scratching tone Negan tried to forget.

“Why the fuck are you here Alpha?” Negan asked, swirling in his chair only slightly.

Light coated Alpha’s frame. She wore a simple t-shirt and jeans, with short boots. She placed her sunglasses on the counter.

“Caught your little interview, sunshine.” Alpha replied. “Is this all you’ve been up to since New Mexico?” 

Negan shifted in his seat. He stared at Alpha, hoping his eyes could kill her alone. But her eyes matched his. Dangerous. And he didn’t know what she had planned.

“Yeah. I’ve been living low.” Negan said.

“Have you?” Alpha’s mouth twitched into a smile. “What’s with the car? I thought it used to be red.”

“That was a Corvette.” Negan said without a moment’s hesitation. “Like the Prince song.”

“And what’s that one out there?” Alpha nodded her head over to the parking lot.

Negan shrugged. “Valiant or something.”

“Valiant or something?...Actually it’s a 1971 Plymouth Valiant. I’m looking for one.” 

“Are you?” 

“Mmhm. I could have sworn that’s what your red car looked like.” Alpha’s voice was questioning but knowing at the same time. 

“I don’t know what to tell ya.” 

“Well. I’m sure I’ll find what I’m looking for in this town.”

“Alpha what the fuck are you going on about?” Negan asked, knowing damn well what she was going on about. 

“You may have gotten away in New Mexico, asshole. But I’m not letting you get away again.” Alpha stood up and grabbed her sunglasses.

“For the last time, I didn’t fucking do it.” Negan said.

Alpha leaned her hand on the counter and looked at Negan one final time. “I don’t fucking believe you. And if I have to drag you into a courtroom again to get that shit brought back up I will. So excuse me, I have to go find a way to get your ass back on a stand.” 

Negan watched Alpha leave the diner. He tugged at his bandana. New Mexico. What a fucking nightmare. Negan’s mind flashed to the scene of it all. Too much blood for him to visualize. But he didn’t fucking do it. Still, the death of the clerk and the robber could dredge up that shit again. And he didn’t want that to fucking happen. The music in the diner went silent to his ears. The light outside blurred out. He felt like he was spiraling out. Not sure where he was going to land. But all he could think about was Rick. Rick fucking Grimes. If he had known someone would come along to make him want to lead a good life he would have tried not to fuck up so much. But it was too late. God, he hoped it wasn’t too late. 

 


	9. Rifle

It could have been silent. But it wasn’t. Cicadas sang and threatened the air. A tire over pavement. The breeze...it lied. A storm was coming. Rick sat on the porch alone. Mind spinning and trying to hold onto something. He felt the sickness in his stomach. The future was way too cloudy. Unsure. Unnerving. Unmoving. He was living in the present far too much and he couldn’t see where he was going.

The next afternoon Rick and Shane were sitting at their desks. Beth was filing her nails. They heard the bell on the door jingle as it was opened. Alpha.

“Hi I was wondering if I can speak to someone here, a deputy, maybe?” She asked.

Rick stood up. “What do you need?”

“I had some questions about a guy who lives here. I’m Alpha, I'm a detective out of state. His name is Negan.”

Shane rolled his eyes. “That fucking jackass.”

Alpha smirked. “Yes. When did he move here?”

Shane shrugged. “Ask him.”

“Oh, are you the boyfriend?”

Shane laughed, obviously thinking it was a joke.

“No.” Rick said. “Just a friend.”

“Oh. So do you know around what time he got into town?” Alpha asked.

“We ran into him around three months ago, he may have lived here longer but I don’t know.” Rick said.

Alpha nodded. “Okay that kind of makes sense. Has he caused any trouble?”

Shane scoffed. “Yes. Speeding mostly. Some drug use. Being an overall asshole.”

“Hmm….yeah sounds like him.” Alpha put her hands in her pockets.

“How do you know him?” Shane asked.

“He was part of a murder investigation I was leading about half a year ago.” Alpha said. Rick’s stomach knotted. A murder investigation? A different murder investigation? “See this prostitute got killed. The most brutal shit I’ve ever seen. Her friend said Negan was the last person she was with that night. He had already been causing a scene around the local bars. Seemed to fit the bill. But he got away. Legally, but...sometimes you gotta trust your gut feeling you know? Anyway, there was this other murder. A robber shot a clerk, someone shot the robber. Nothing horrific, but a gas station camera caught this red car speeding away. It was a red Plymouth Valiant. Negan has a black one now. He used to have a red car. It has to be him. I just want to get him back in a courtroom so I can finally get justice for that girl.” Alpha was leaning against the desk.

“But he didn’t do it.” Rick said.

Alpha raised her eyebrows, she stared Rick down. “A lot of people get away. Doesn’t mean they didn’t do it.”

“Sounds believable to me.” Shane said, crossing his arms. “That guy’s a wild card.”

“Yeah. He is. I’m going to see if any of your store cameras caught the car. But he probably got the color changed before heading into here. That car’s my only shot. I only knew to come here because of the interview he gave.”

“Interview?” Shane asked.

“Yeah, the one on ESPN. He said he was living here. After the New Mexico incident I made a timeline of activity on the west coast. First I tried to track his record, but he was off the radar. I saw this newscast...for the robbery murder and I didn’t think much of it because it happened in Nevada, towards California. And by that point I was pretty much over trying to find Negan. I mean, this isn’t the old west for Christ’s sake. But there was zero info on the case. And recently I was thinking of it. How no one knows shit about what went down. I drove up there, looked into some of the other cameras around town, which was difficult because hardly anyone had them. But then I saw the car. Like a big fucking neon sign. And the camera quality was pretty decent. It was a fucking Plymouth Valiant. Same color as Negan’s. I mean, if any other person looked at that they wouldn’t think anything of it. So I don’t know, I like to think it’s all meant to be.” Alpha smiled dangerously.

“How are you going to get him for the girl’s murder?” Rick asked, eyes squinting.

“If I can get Negan for the robbery shit then the court might give me the resources to look back into the New Mexico murder. Along with Negan’s history, they should find it more plausible.”

Rick didn’t respond.

“Wow.” Shane replied. “That’s a hell of a story.”

“I know.” Alpha lifted off the desk. “But you’d understand if you saw the girl. She was decapitated...I mean...what kind of sick fuck does that? And with Negan’s track record...Anyway. If you guys hear anything or know of anything going down, here’s my card.” Alpha left a business card on the desk. “I’m going to look into the camera thing, maybe get lucky twice. If not...well, maybe I’ll just have to stick around and wait for him to fuck up. Who knows.”

“Yeah we’ll let you know.” Shane said, taking the card in his hand. "We're Shane and Rick, if you need to call us."

“Cool, see you guys later.” Alpha walked out of the station.

Rick glared at Shane. God, how he could kill him now. Shane looked up at Rick.

“What?”

“You know he didn’t fucking do that, right?” Rick asked, a twinge of desperation in his voice. “I mean you can’t really fucking believe that.”

“Gee Rick, I don’t know. I mean what do we really know about him, right? He was famous once? Yeah, and he beat the shit out of an old teammate. He’s reckless, he’s aggressive. He’s been violent. Why can’t he have that in him?” Shane was heating up.

“I can’t fucking believe you think he decapitated someone.” Rick shook his head.

“You better distance yourself from him, Rick.”

“What happened to being cool with him?” Rick’s words were becoming vicious. “I knew you were full of shit.”

“Rick! What the hell is your problem? Are you blind? Like shit, yeah he lost his wife too but-”

“Yeah! He fucking did! And I need that!” Rick was yelling now. Beth was pretending not to notice. “Jesus fucking Christ can we just take a step back here? This whole thing sounds insane.”

Shane exhaled deeply. He lifted his head back. “Rick, you’re a good guy. You’re too fucking good sometimes. I’m sure it’s great to have someone who understands but...shit...he’s gonna spiral out of control one of these days. Whether he killed that girl or not, he’s…” Shane tried to find a word.

“Nothing’s gonna come from this. And we’re all gonna go back to living normally.” Rick mumbled.

Shane sighed. “Rick...I’m sorry, okay? I just don’t want you getting hurt or in trouble or anything.”

Rick sat down in his seat. “Yeah...I know.”

“Just, be cautious okay? Seriously...you don’t want this affecting Carl or Judith.”

Rick’s head snapped up, he looked at Shane, but he knew he was right. “Yeah…”

They had reached some sort of understanding. Still, Rick felt a jackhammer right in his mind. He didn’t know what was going to happen. But he knew he couldn’t stay away from Negan. Not at this point.

* * *

Negan itched to leave his house. But he knew Alpha was out there, lurking. Instead, he did cocaine and watched reruns of old tv shows. This went on over and over for the course of the day. The sun setting it’s light down Negan’s living room walls. Leaving no light on the orange color. He finally grabbed his keys and headed out the door. The Valiant hidden by the night.

By the end of the week, Alpha was struggling to find anything substantial in Red Canyon, only a small flash of red on a low quality camera outside of the local diner. She had retired to her room at the Motel Ponderosa. She’d have to find a way to catch Negan one way or another.

Rick was sitting, legs dangling in the water of Maggie and Glenn’s pool. They were throwing another party. Rick could see Shane through the glass doors, sitting on the couch with Sasha. They were with some of the others watching something on TV. Rick had a beer in his hand but he hardly touched it.

As he sat there, Michonne dropped down next to him, placing her own legs into the chlorine. She was wearing a white lace top and pink shorts. Rick could see their vibrancy even in the light darkness of the evening.

“Hey Rick.” She said.

“Hey…” Rick took a swig of his beer. “What’s up with you lately?”

“Oh you know, the usual. Traveling outside of this town just to find clients.”

“Clients find you, you know that.” Rick laughed.

“Yeah, yeah. So, everything going okay?” Michonne asked.

“I...don’t know.” Rick sighed and placed his beer down next to him. He let his hands grip the edge of the pool.

“Anything wrong?”

“Probably.”

A flash of concern appeared on Michonne’s face.

“It’s...fine.” Rick assured. “I mean...shit. I don’t know, a lot of stuff is coming up that I...probably should have seen coming.”

“You wearing rose colored glasses?”

Rick huffed a laugh. “Yeah...I guess I am. I just haven’t had anything like this since Lori...I’m worried I’m just holding on for the wrong reasons.”

“Maybe you are...but maybe you aren’t.” Michonne said.

Rick sighed. “Everything is telling me to get away, end it...before it blows up in my face. But I...don’t think I can go back to living the way I was. Not now. I don’t think I could meet anyone again after this…” Rick put one hand on his beer. “I know that sounds drastic but fuck...I don’t think I can do this again. And not after him. I just feel so fucking alive. But trapped at the same time.”

Michonne put her hand on Rick’s leg. “Rick...you’re smart. If you really think this is going to turn into a bad thing, you’ll get out of it. But if you haven’t already then maybe it’s not a bad thing. I know you. And you’ll make the right decision when it comes. For now, you just live whatever life you want.”

Rick cleared his throat. “Thanks.”

“Does this have anything to do with that detective that’s in town?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, if you ever need a lawyer…”

Rick smirked and Michonne laughed. And for a moment Rick thought everything might work out.

* * *

Negan wanted to drive. So Rick let him pick him up in the Valiant. Probably not the smartest move, but it was late at night. Later than they usually hung out. Something in Rick stopped caring about rules. And it always felt like an adventure when he was sitting passenger in Negan’s car, arm out the window, radio humming. And then Rick remembered New Mexico.

“Hey Negan.” Rick said.

“Yeah?”

“The detective came into the station.”

Negan exhaled through his nose.

“She told us about New Mexico.”

“Fuck.”

“Don’t worry, I don’t think you did it.”

“I didn’t.” Negan hissed. “Fucking damn. I fucked her and her friend and I moved the fuck on. Jesus...did she tell you what happened to the girl?”

“Yeah.”

“Fucking crazy ass shit.” Negan said. “The friend immediately told the cops and Alpha about me. They dragged me from the bar I was at and brought me to the fucking crime scene. I’ve never seen anything like that before in my entire fucking life. Alpha already knew about me around town, so she made it her personal mission to get me fucking convicted. I probably would have been if it wasn’t for the lawyer. Then I got the fuck out of there. Went through Arizona, totally fucking skipped it up to Nevada. I was gonna head to Vegas and then the fucking robber thing happened. When I found this place I thought I just might be able to hide here. Then I drove a couple hundred miles away, got the car repainted, new plate...and came the fuck back.”

Rick looked out into the desert. “You’ve done more in the past two years than most people have in a fucking lifetime.” Rick said quietly.

“I know. I really let myself run wild.” Negan replied. “Fuck. What if I really fucked it up this time?”

“Alpha will leave eventually. And then…”

“Then?”

“I don’t know. Can you be normal?” Rick asked.

Negan smirked. “I really don’t know Rick.”

“You and Alpha ever…” Rick trailed off.

Negan groaned. “Why do you ask?”

“I just feel like she really had a vendetta against you. Something driven by more than just her moral code.”

Negan tugged at his bandana. “We got close to it. I had run into her a few times before and at the time I really didn’t like to fuck anyone I knew for more than like...an hour. So I decided against it.”

“Man I must have pissed you off.” Rick smirked.

“Actually no. Normally I would have been. But I didn’t care how long it took to get you Rick Grimes.”

“I’m so...worried.” Rick said.

“Rick...don’t be. Please. She’s not gonna find anything. I’m gonna lay low I promise.” Negan said, but the words felt fake. Because they fucking were.

Rick unbuckled his seatbelt and shifted over to sit against Negan, he leaned on his shoulder. Negan put his arm around Rick.

“What are we going to do?” Rick asked.

“What do you mean?”

“With this whole thing. I mean, what’s our future?”

The Valiant coasted, like it was riding on glass. Negan stared ahead at the darkness of the land. “I really don’t know. I’ll have to be trained to be a member of society.” Negan huffed a laugh.

“I don’t want it to end.” Rick said, almost a whisper. “I can’t go back to being dead.”

“It’s not gonna end…”

Rick closed his eyes. “You can’t get into trouble, Negan. You can’t…”

Rick’s concern was too much for Negan. It made his heart ache. He knew sooner or later he was going to smash Rick’s life or heart or reputation into pieces. It was only inevitable. He knew it. Rick probably knew it. But this was looking like it was going to be ride or die, so it was far too late to change up the course of it all.

“Darling...I won’t…” Negan finally replied. “I fucking love you.”

Rick nuzzled into Negan’s shoulder. “Yeah? What do you love about me?”

Negan laughed gently. “First off you’re attitude. I like when someone can put me in my place. I love your eyes...your nature.”

“My nature?”

“Yeah. You’re always trying to do the right thing. You’re kind and gentle...but people don’t let you be anything else. I love that you feel like you can be whoever you want with me…”

Rick looked up at Negan. “Yeah...that’s one of things I love about you...”

Negan cleared his throat. He didn’t know how he got himself into this situation. But he was glad.

They drove for a little while longer and then Negan pulled off into the desert. Rick leaned up. “What? We’re gonna fuck in your car?” Rick asked, unamused.

Negan snorted. “Don’t assume, Rick Grimes.”

Rick smirked and ran his hand through his hair. “Is this my payback?” He teased.

“Don’t fucking tease me Rick. Don’t you fucking dare.” Negan purred, hand gripping the wheel. He stopped the car, but kept it running. Headlights on, radio turned up. “Get out.”

Rick eyed Negan suspiciously. “In the dirt?” Rick questioned.

“Rick. Don’t fucking assume.” Negan grabbed his familiar bottle of lube and a condom from the glove compartment and put them in his jacket pockets. Rick rolled his eyes and got out of the car. He met Negan in front of the headlights. “I’m gonna fuck you against my car, Rick.” He said.

Rick squinted at Negan through the light. He looked at the car hood. “Comfy.” He mumbled.

Negan laughed, practically barking. “Sometimes you just have perfect comedic timing.”

“Hm, yeah.” Rick was pulled by Negan closer to him, he held onto Negan’s jacket. “Who would have thought this thing would still be going?”

“I’m hard to resist.” Negan mused.

Rick rolled his eyes. “True.”

“Don’t worry Rick...you’re hard too.” Negan paused. “To resist that is.”

Rick groaned. “You’re annoying.”

“I know.” Negan kissed Rick and wrapped his fingers in Rick’s t-shirt. He untied his bandana and tied it around Rick’s neck.

“What’s this? Are we in high school?” Rick questioned.

“Hey if you also wanna wear my jacket you can. I bet you’d look hot as fuck in it.” Negan growled.

“It’s hot out here, I really don’t know how you can wear that thing all the damn time and not sweat.”

“It’s because I’m cool as ice, Rick.”

Rick stood on his toes and kissed Negan, holding his face with his hands. “Alright, it’s getting late.”

“Damn Rick. If you’re impatient just say so.” Negan pushed Rick towards the hood of the car. He fiddled with Rick’s pants until they were at Rick’s feet. Negan then pushed Rick’s torso down onto the car hood.

“Ouch.” Rick hissed.

Negan laughed. “Oh give me a break.”

Rick smirked.

Negan tugged Rick’s boxers down to his pants and then unzipped his own. He thrusted into Rick, who slid against the car hood. Rick winced and breathed sharply. And then he zoned out. He heard the radio loudly. Something from the 80s or maybe the 70s. His knees kept hitting the front of the car but he didn’t care. Negan was rocking harder into him and had zoned out too. The desert was dark but the headlights shone brightly, blinding Negan’s vision. Being with Rick made him feel like being with Lucille. It wasn’t like all the others. It was meaningful. It made Negan feel like he was worth a damn. Rick’s fingers pressed along the hood, any worry in his mind was gone to the moment.

“RICK?!??”

Rick shot up, the back of his head hitting Negan right against the nose. Negan stepped back and fell, ass on the ground. “What the fuck??” Negan yelled, hands going to his nose, blood pouring out. Between Rick hitting Negan and Negan falling down, he had seen where the voice was coming from. Shane was standing outside the police cruiser, staring in completely disbelief. Rick scrambled to put his underwear and pants back on. The bandana still perfectly placed around his neck. Negan tried to zip his pants back up, other hand drenched in blood, still trying to pinch his nose. He looked up and saw Shane.

Rick was completely speechless. The radio was going but he heard nothing. Like the lack of sound after a rifle goes off in the forest. But there was no forest to hide in here. He opened his mouth to speak and tried to find words. Emptiness escaped.

“S-S-Shane...wh-what are you doing here??” Rick asked, completely flustered and white.

Shane looked like a ghost and pointed towards the distance. A house was far off but still visible. “I got a call saying there was a car parked out here, the person got scared.” Shane said, voice recovering from the shock. “What the fuck is…” Shane’s eyes flicked between Rick and Negan, who had gotten up and was standing a few feet away from Rick. “What’s going on???”

“What the fuck does it look like??” Negan quipped, tilting his head back to stop the blood flow.

Rick was starting to shake and panic was setting in. “Shane-”

Shane shook his head. “Rick...why were you…” He couldn’t talk.

“I…” Rick’s voice was weak, he looked towards Negan.

“Rick!” Shane yelled, Rick turned back to Shane. “What are you doing with him?? What are you…”

“We were fucking!” Negan yelled. “Jesus Christ!” Negan was still holding his nose. “And you made Rick break my fucking nose so thanks for that.”

Shane stared in disbelief.

“What??” Negan groaned. “Didn’t scar you for fucking life did I?”

Rick looked at Negan, his expression panicked.

“God am I the only one around here who’s fucking calm?” Negan quipped. “Am I missing something??”

“Yes!” Shane yelled. “You’re fucking my partner on your car!”

“Yeah?? So??” Negan’s eyes flicked with anger. He had walked over to the car and turned the radio off. He pulled a rag from the driver seat that had been there since he cleaned the car last. He held it to his nose.

“Rick…” Shane said.

“Shane I-”

“Has this been going on this whole fucking time??” There was pain in Shane’s voice.

Rick didn’t blink. And in the headlights he really was a deer. “Y-yes.”

“What the fuck!!” Shane yelled.

“Calm down.” Negan said to Shane.

“Don’t talk!” Shane said, he looked towards Rick. “You’re coming with me.”

“Why??” Negan questioned.

“Because I fucking said so! Rick. Get in the fucking car.”

Rick looked at Negan. He felt sick. He began to walk towards the police cruiser.

“Rick!!” Negan yelled, voice hoarse as hell. “What are you doing?? You don’t have to go with him.”

Rick turned around and walked back towards Negan. He glanced back at Shane and then to Negan. “Just...let me. I’ll talk to you later…” Rick didn’t meet his eyes. “I have to do damage control.” He said quietly.

Negan crossed his arms, his nose was only slightly bleeding. He groaned. “Fine.”

Negan watched Rick get into the police cruiser. Shane looked at Negan one final time before walking to the driver’s side. They left Negan in the desert.

* * *

“Rick...what the FUCK??”

Rick dragged his hands along his face. “I was gonna tell you.” He said.

Shane looked at him. “Are you out of your fucking mind? When did this start??”

Rick sighed and stared out the window. “That day we ran into him.”

“What?? When we pulled him over for speeding?? Over three months ago???”

“...Yeah.” Rick got even more uncomfortable when he realized he still had Negan’s bandana around his neck.

“Wha...why??”

“I like him.”

“WHY???”

Rick looked ahead. “I-I...I don’t...I don’t know I just do.”

“I can’t fucking believe this.” Shane said, hands gripping the steering wheel tight. “I seriously can’t fucking believe this. Is that who Beatrix was??”

“Yeah.”

“Rick! What the fuck?!? Does anybody know??”

“Michonne knows. Carl, and Judith if she counts-”

“The kids?!?! He’s met the kids??” Shane was red with anger.

Rick snapped his head towards Shane. “Yes! It’s my fucking life! Jesus Christ!! This is why I didn’t fucking tell you or anyone. Because no one can just leave me the fuck alone! Because I have to be everybody’s role model. He’s not what you think, Shane.”

“Not what I think?? I think he’s a murderer Rick. But I _know_ that’s he’s a fucking wild card. And you can’t trust him.”

“Just...shut the fuck up.” Rick said.

Shane laughed. “Are you out of your goddamned mind? I mean really, Rick…are you going through a midlife crisis or something??”

“No.”

“Are you sure? Because this is completely out of character for you.” Shane said.

“Yeah. We love each other.” Rick answered monotone. He was over it.

“Are you serious…?”

“Yeah. So fuck off.”

“Rick…”

“I’m done talking about this.” Rick said.

Shane stopped talking. Rick stared out of his window. He was dropped off in front of his house. Rick left as Shane was about to say something. He slammed the car door. It was past one in the morning. Rick took his shoes off quietly and began to walk up the stairs. Carl appeared out of his room.

“Hey dad.”

“Carl...what are you doing still up?”

“Sorry…”

“No it’s fine.” Rick rubbed his eyes. “Everything okay?”

“Yeah...what about you?” Carl asked. “Is that Negan’s bandana?”

“What?” Rick put his hand up to the bandana and huffed a laugh. “Uh yeah. And I’m fine.” Rick nodded.

“Why did Shane drop you off?”

Rick sighed, he leaned against the banister. “He...found out about me and Negan. He’s not happy about it.”

“Why not??”

“Carl...it’s complicated. I’m not really up to discussing this right now.”

“Okay…well, goodnight then.”

“Goodnight.”

Rick walked into his room. He saw the four pillows on the bed still. Two on each side. He got on his side and looked at his phone. He had a text from Negan.

Negan: you cool?  
Rick: No.  
Negan: :(

Rick smirked at the emoticon.

Rick: I was given a really hard time  
Negan: fuck him.  
Rick: I still have your bandana  
Negan: good :)  
Rick: You think things are gonna calm down?  
Negan: yeah. alpha’s gonna fuck off eventually and shane will get over it  
Rick: I’ll talk to you later I’m going to bed  
Negan: gnight darlin ;)  
Rick: Goodnight

 Rick put his phone on his nightstand. He ran his fingers over the bandana around his neck. He was a little embarrassed that Carl saw him wearing it. Rick looked out through his window, the moon shone brightly. It was all just too unpredictable.

* * *

Alpha was busy in her hotel room, using the phone to call every auto shop around southern Nevada. It took her all day and she was starting to think she was being a little crazy. Negan could have gotten the car paint changed anywhere. She flopped down on her bed and fell asleep from the exhaustion.

The next morning Rick went out the get his mail. He was met by Glenn, who was getting his too.

“Hey Rick, how’s it going?” Glenn said, offering a small wave.

Rick walked over to him, holding his mail in one hand. “It’s...going.”

“So...uh, are you dating that Negan guy?”

Rick flushed. “Uh.”

“It’s just, me and Maggie saw him over your house, and you never left to take him home or anything. I mean it’s none of our business but Maggie-”

“We are.” Rick said.

“Hey man that’s cool.”

Rick smiled softly. “Shane wants to kill me.”

“He’s just overprotective. Uh, does this mean...er…”

“What?”

“Negan came to the motel the other week and…”

Rick turned red and laughed uncomfortably. “Sorry.”

Glenn laughed. “Rick you’re like...one of my best friends. I don’t care. Do you know how many times me and Maggie-”

Rick put a hand up. “That’s okay Glenn.” The two laughed.

* * *

Alpha shot up from the bed, phone in her hand. Her eyes stared directly ahead at the tacky wallpaper.

“You sure?” She said. “....yeah he probably did look familiar, he used to play baseball….mmhm...leather jacket?....great. Yes I’ll give you my email….thank you.” Alpha slammed the phone on the receiver. She got out her laptop and waited for the email. It finally came in. Alpha watched her computer intensely. Negan was there, getting the 1971 red Plymouth Valiant changed to black. Alpha grinned wickedly at the fucking odds.

“Got you.”


	10. Blood Loss

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!! Sorry for taking a while to update! I am nearing the end (only a few more chapters left) and I'm working it all out so that it's not rushed. Thanks for all your comments so far and I hope you enjoy this chapter! :)

The shower couldn’t find the right temperature. Rick fiddled with the shower handle but he couldn’t get it perfect. He accepted it and his mind wandered into a memory. It wasn’t that long ago. Since his time with Negan wasn’t that long to begin with. 

_ Negan and Rick were parked at Rovia’s Bar. The windows were all rolled down and Negan was humming along to the radio. They had just finished spending some time inside. Negan had somehow convinced Rick to play pool with him. Rick, who swore he wasn’t going to be good, ended up beating him. Negan knew he couldn’t underestimate Rick anymore. The two sat in comfortable darkness, the inside of the car illuminated by the parking lot lights.  _

_ “So, have you been bothered about the interview much?” Rick asked. _

_ Negan let out a laugh. “Yeah. But I’m not doing anymore until I fucking feel like it. Besides, I don’t really feel like going back to L.A.” _

_ “You don’t miss it at all?”  _

_ “There’s things I miss about it but...that was me and Lucille’s home. Not mine. I grew up in Northern California. Maybe I’d feel differently if L.A had always been my home. But it’s fucking...not. How about you? Ever miss Georgia?” Negan added on a southern accent, it made Rick laugh. _

_ “Yeah, I do. I like it out here but...I don’t know. I’m a sentimental person. I have a lot of memories there. I know we’ve already talked about this kind of thing, but I like being here even after Lori’s death.” _

_ Negan nodded. “I wish I could do that. But hey, my nature got me here right? That’s good.” He flashed Rick a wicked smile.  _

_ “Yeah. It is.”  _

_ “I don’t know how I got so fucking lucky. I mean, a lot of people can’t stand being with me more than a half hour. You and Lucille must be saints or something.”  _

_ “You’re different, that’s for sure. But you have a lot more going for you then you think. You need to give yourself a little credit.” Rick said. _

_ “Do I? Hm.”  _

_ “You’re secretly romantic.” _

_ “I am?” Negan laughed loudly. Always like a hyena. “I guess so...I don’t know. I like that shit.” _

_ “You make us sit in your car all the damn time. Cars can be pretty romantic.” Rick mused. _

_ “Yeah…” Negan smirked. “You got me.” _

_ “Windows down, radio on, sitting next to each other...I know your games, love.”  _

_ Rick froze after speaking. His expression changed. Negan was still laughing softly at Rick’s words. He looked over at Rick. _

_ “You okay?”  _

_ Rick looked over at him. “Sorry, I...I called you love.” _

_ “Yeah? About damn time you gave me a fucking pet name.”  _

_ “No it’s not that...that’s what Lori called me.” Rick said. _

_ “Oh, shit.” _

_ Rick shook his head, and then smiled. “It just came out. Naturally. Maybe it means something.”  _

_ Negan smiled and looked away. “You know how to make me feel fucking special, Rick Grimes.” _

_ “So...are we gonna drive or not?” Rick asked. _

_ Negan looked over. He put his arm along the top of the seat and put the car in drive. “Whatever you want.” _

* * *

 

Rick sat outside of the station in his car. He nervously turned the key and turned the car off. Shane’s car was already parked in the lot. He prepared himself mentally and walked inside. Shane was sitting at his desk. 

“Shane.” Rick sat down.

“I don’t want to talk to you Rick.”

“Don’t be an asshole.” Rick replied. 

“I just can’t believe you're fucking him.” 

Rosita and Abraham looked up from their desks. Shane wasn’t exactly quiet. Rick shot him a look. Shane was damn lucky the other officers had other rooms or were out for patrol. Rick would have killed him if the whole station heard that. 

“Negan’s fucking Rick.” Shane said coldy. He looked Rick dead in the eyes.

“Really?” Rosita asked, furrowing her brow.

Rick stared at Shane. “You’re a fucking asshole you know that?” 

“Do you have any idea what this could do to your reputation, Rick?” Shane asked, he leaned his arms on his desk.

“Yeah you really care about my reputation so much then why are telling other people my fucking business?” Rick spat. 

“Because I’m fucking pissed off.” 

“Oh nice.” Rick said. “Good reason.” 

Abraham cleared his throat. “Y’all are serious?” 

“Yeah.” Rick said. “We’re dating. We’re not just fucking.” Rick shot Shane a look. “So don’t try and make me feel like I’m…” 

“Being used?” Shane grumbled.

Rick’s eyes flashed with hurt. It was more than that with Negan. Rick felt uncomfortable with the way it was being perceived. “Why the fuck are you being like this??” 

“You really think a guy like that would actually want to be with you long term? I mean really, Rick. People like that...it’s like a hit and run. It might not have happened yet but it will. And he brings trouble wherever he goes. I care about you Rick. I don’t know what happened to you to make you lose all sensibility but you better knock it off.” Shane said. 

Rick was being watched by Shane, Rosita, and Abraham. Beth stared mindlessly at her computer, but she too was listening. Rick’s eyes flickered between them. 

“Fuck this.” He said, and got up and walked down the hall. He passed Morgan’s office and was glad to see the door closed. The last thing he needed was Morgan hearing them talk. Rick walked into the one person bathroom and locked the door. A small cactus rested on the window sill. The window faced out into the desert. 

Rick leaned against the door. He felt his eyes burn with tears and tried to blink them away. He just wanted someone to talk to. Someone to tell him if this was going to go south. Hell, he almost wished Lori would call him again. She’d know what to say. There was a tiny knock on the door but it still made Rick jump. 

“...Rick?” Beth asked. 

Rick turned and faced the door. He held his hand on the door handle.

“Rick...you okay?” 

Rick sighed and opened the door, Beth walked inside. 

“Sorry.” Rick said.

“What’re you sorry about?” Beth asked, her eyes could have cut Rick’s soul in two.

“I know it’s awkward for you...to hear us all fighting.” Rick said softly. 

“...Yeah. But...that’s not fair to you...what Shane did.” 

Rick looked down. “It probably is.” His eyes met Beth’s.

“Well...it’s still not right. Are you okay? Seriously…” 

Rick didn’t want to cry in front of Beth. Hell, in front of anyone. He already cried in front of Negan. That was embarrassing enough. 

“I’m fine.” Rick said.

“Hey uh, a few months back...were you talking to a guy about suspicious activity on his property?” Beth asked.

“What? No.” Rick said, trying to think back. He would have remembered something like that. Nothing happens out here. Besides Negan. Right.

“I thought so...when Negan was brought in here I recognized his voice...he called me asking for your number. I gave it to him because he said you and him had talked about his property and stuff.” 

Rick laughed. “I always wondered what he told you.” 

Beth smirked. “I know what it’s like to like someone on the wrong side of the tracks...well...kind of...maybe not like Negan...but....ah, anyway. Don’t listen to them, Rick.”

“I’ll be okay, Beth.” Rick said. 

“I tried to defend you...but they all seemed pretty pissed.” 

Rick let out a surprised but gentle laugh. He was trying to image Beth yelling at the three out there. “Thanks. But you don’t have to do that.” 

Beth shrugged. And their conversation trailed off awkwardly. 

Rick returned to the main room in the station. Shane was nowhere to be found. 

“Shane’s pretty fuckin’ pissed.” Abraham said.

“I don’t really give a shit.” Rick sighed, shuffling things around on his desk.

“Hey man...sorry, it’s just a….” Abraham laughed awkwardly. “A little surprising.” 

“I’m sure it is.” Rick said. Monotone. 

“Well it makes sense to me.” Rosita said. “That’s why he asked for us to get you that night we took him in.”

Rick didn’t say anything. He didn’t know what the fuck to say anymore. This was exactly why he didn’t want anybody to know. Or maybe he should have said something from the get go. ‘Hey everyone in Red Canyon I’m gonna date this ex-ball player with a really sketchy past!’ Yeah...maybe that wouldn’t have worked either. Fuck.

“Hey Rick look…” Abraham shifted in his seat. “We just...want the best for you. He’s not the best…I mean shit...we brought him in for doing cocaine...” 

“I’m going out on my patrol. Where the hell is Shane?” Rick asked blankly.

“He went out by himself.” Rosita replied.

“And Morgan okayed this?” 

“Yeah.” Rosita shrugged. “Me and Abraham are doing inside work today, so…”

Rick grabbed some things off of his desk and walked out, not letting Rosita finish. He got into one of the police cruisers. Shane took theirs. And he made his way out into Red Canyon. He felt a little bad walking out on Rosita and Abraham and their conversation, but he was fucking done. It’s not like Rick was made of stone. He wasn’t like Negan. Negan. Who stood there, nose bleeding, in front of Shane like nothing was going on. Like Rick wasn’t just caught by his best friend half naked and bent over Negan’s fucking car. Rick brought his hand to one of his eyes, trying to mentally block the vomit-inducing feelings associated with that moment. The whole thing made Rick want to scream and cry. Hell, he could feel the tears already and he fucking hated himself for it. But FUCK. Three years of living in hell did it’s damage. So what’s wrong with trying to enjoy his stay a little?

* * *

 

Rick watched nothing pass by in front of him. His phone rang. He didn’t recognize the number.

“Hello?”

“Is this Rick? It’s Alpha.” 

“Yeah.” Rick said, he squinted at the sun. 

“I think I can tie Negan to the robbery murder. I have him on a surveillance tape from an auto shop north from here. He’s getting the car color changed.”

“Oh.” 

“It’s not much but...it might just be enough. I was wondering if you knew where Negan would be.” Alpha’s voice was filled with determination. It made Rick feel sick.

“I don’t know. There’s not much around here.” Rick said.

“You got that right. Do you know his address?” 

Rick gave Alpha the address. He wasn’t going to. But if he didn’t she would have gotten it from someone else. It didn’t matter.

He called Negan. 

“Rick.” Negan said. Voice like a song. Rick felt his stomach flip.

“Hey...Alpha might come visit you.” 

“Oh...alright. How are you doing?” Negan asked, not concerned with Rick’s warning of Alpha. 

Rick closed his eyes. “I don’t know…” 

“Darling…”

Rick felt his stomach flip again. “Things just need to...pass. Time needs to move…” Rick said.

“Things will. Time will. Rick...I-”

“She can tie you to that convenience store.”

“It was self-defense.”

“She can use your history against you, Negan.” Rick let his arm hang out his window. “I don’t know what to do anymore.” 

“What are you saying?” 

“I’m not saying anything.” Rick said. “I’m worried. About everything under the goddamn sun.” 

“It’s gonna be okay.”

“But what if it’s not??” 

“Rick-”

“I have to go. Sorry.” Rick hung up, his breathing was getting shaky. And if he stayed on the line with Negan, he probably would have broken down. Everything seemed to be falling apart. And if Negan got tried for anything...Rick wouldn’t be able to recover. He wondered if this thing was going to even last. If it even could. 

Alpha was going to visit Negan the next day. She wanted to form a game plan for the future. She didn’t want to rush anything. 

* * *

 

The next day Rick and Shane agreed to do their patrol together. Shane was still pissed. He barely looked at Rick. They were outside the cruiser in the parking lot. Shane was putting on his sunglasses.

“So. You’re going to keep seeing him?” Shane asked.

“Yeah.” Rick replied.

Shane sighed. “What happens if he goes to jail or some shit?” 

“Then I guess I won’t see him, huh?” Rick tilted his head.

Shane huffed. “Let’s get going.”

* * *

 

The air was dry and still when Alpha pulled alongside Negan’s house. She walked to the door and knocked. She waited. Negan swung the door open. A part of him thought it might be Rick. He frowned.

“What the fuck do you want?” 

Alpha smiled coldly. “Joey’s Auto Shop. Sound familiar?” 

“No.” 

“It’s the one you visited after you killed that robber. You got your car color changed there. It’s on video.” Alpha said.

Negan stood still. He tried to stare Alpha away. “Alpha.” 

“Son of a fucking bitch.” Alpha said, shaking her head.

Negan gripped the door with one hand. “I didn’t kill that girl. You wasted time back then and you’re wasting time now.” 

“I don’t care. I can link you to the convenience store. I can build up a case against you.” Alpha spoke like a villain divulging their plan to the hero. But Negan wasn’t a hero. 

Negan looked off behind her. “Alpha...you don’t fucking...understand.” He growled. “I’m telling you. I did not kill that girl. I may have done a lot of other shit in my life but I could never do something like that.”

“Doesn’t matter. I don’t fucking believe you.” Alpha crossed her arms. “You’re time is running out. I’m sending the video to my superiors tonight.” 

“Fuck you!!” Negan yelled. “You’re going to ruin my fucking life!”

Alpha laughed. “You ruined that girl’s life you fucking piece of shit! So I really don’t give a fuck. I’ll see you soon, Negan. Just wanted to drop by and see your fucking pathetic face one last time before I get you.” Alpha smiled wildly. She walked back down to her car.

“Fuck off!!” Negan yelled after her. 

She drove away. 

* * *

 

Rick was driving towards the diner. The car was quiet. And Rick just wanted this whole thing to end so it could stop being so suffocating.

“Shane…” Rick sighed. “You have to understand. I was dead before this.” 

“And you’ll be dead because of it.” Shane said harshly. “He’s going to drag you down. I really don’t know how you can’t see that.”

“Maybe because I’ve spent more than five minutes with him? I mean...you don’t even know him. And you’re one hell of a person to judge.” Rick shook his head. “Are we going to fight about this forever?”

“Well...considering the events that are transpiring, it probably won’t be forever now will it?” 

“You are such an asshole.” Rick said. 

“Obviously we aren’t going to agree with each other. But Rick, if something bad happens because of him…” Shane trailed off. He didn’t want to finish his sentence.

Rick knew their friendship was surely on the fucking line. And if Negan ended up destroying anything, it wasn’t going to be able to be repaired.

* * *

 

Negan slammed the door. His mind raced and raced. He paced the floor. And paced. And paced. Nothing was clear and everything was blinding. He grabbed a bottle of alcohol and his drugs. He started his car and began to drive.

His mind was being warped by the booze and drug intake. At some point the bottle spilled on the floor by his feet. And white was spread along the seat. His vision was twisting. His foot like a cement block on the gas pedal. The desert landscape was all running together. Red and orange, blue sky and yellow sun. And there went a car going much too fast.

“Trying out for NASCAR? Major League Baseball wasn’t enough for you?” 

Negan snapped his head to the passenger side. 

“L-Lu...Lucille.” Negan’s voice cracked. He stared at the vision of his dead wife. Her brunette hair laying perfectly in place, completely disregarding the wind coming through the windows. Her eyes were piercing. A crystal blue that could rival Rick’s. She sat with her legs tucked under her, her arm hanging behind the seat. 

Lucille laughed. “What the fuck are you doing Negan?”

Negan smiled gently. “Darling…”

“You’re going to ruin everything you know. Not Alpha. You. Slow the fuck down.” Lucille said. 

Negan kept his eyes on her. Her beauty radiating off of her, infecting Negan with feelings lost to the past. “I miss you.” 

Lucille rolled her eyes. “Yeah, yeah. But you have Rick now. And he fucking needs you Negan.”

“Rick...I’m going to ruin him.” 

Lucille laid her hand on Negan’s leg. “Shut the fuck up and slow down.”

“She has me Lucille. She’s gonna pin that girl’s death on me. It’s going to all be over.” 

“No it’s not. But you’re going too fast, Negan. It’s not your time yet. Please. I don’t need you right now.” 

Negan felt hot tears along his face. “Did you always love me?” It was almost like Negan couldn’t hear what she was saying.

“Negan. Yes. For God’s sake. The affair only happened because you were busy a lot and he was new, and I was confused and mad. I regretted it. I loved you...okay? And now Rick loves you. You’re going to fuck it all up acting like this.” 

“I...I love him Lucille.”

“I know. You call him darling, after all.” Lucille gave Negan a soft look. Negan looked into her eyes. They looked so real. “Don’t do this. Don’t self-destruct.”

“I don’t know how to get better.” Negan replied, voice wavering. “I don’t know how.”

Lucille gave him a sad look. “You can get better, hon. You can and you will. But you need to slow down…”

“Lucille…”

“Will you snap out of it, already?” Lucille turned her head towards the road. “Negan! Watch out!!”

And then she was gone. And Negan felt the impact. The car hit the corner of an 18-wheeler. It flipped out into the desert. It flipped a few times. Glass went everywhere. The airbag hit Negan like a boxer. The car landed on it’s back, an insect struggling to regain ground. Nothing was clear anymore. Something blinked, something hissed. Radio fazed out. Negan gained some kind of consciousness and pulled himself out of the car. A shard of glass imbedded itself into his side. His face was bleeding, covered in cuts. His white t-shirt drenched under the leather. He looked out into the road. A car was spun out on the other side. Another car had stopped. It was the most he’s seen out on these roads at one time. The truck was nowhere in sight. Negan stumbled forward but fell into the orange dirt. He saw a figure approach him fast.

“Holy shit!! Negan?? Are you alright, Jesus Christ!” Alpha kneeled down, her hands hovering over Negan’s bleeding body.

“Rick?” Negan blinked. For a moment he saw him. Kneeling over him like a heavenly image. Those eyes like Lucille’s. The ice blue trapped behind a glossy sheen. Negan could have seen his reflection if he looked hard enough. A man on the ground. Bleeding out. His heart in pain from his own aching lifestyle. How could Rick go on if he were to die? If he were to hurt others in his wake? How could Rick go on losing those around him due to Rick’s judgement. There was nothing Negan could do now. Nothing he could do to save Rick. Except something...something that hung in the back of his mind. But he was cut off.

“No it’s...it’s me Alpha.” 

Negan smirked and closed his eyes for a few seconds. The vision of Rick vanished and Alpha’s presence took shape. “I don’t want to die seeing your fucking face.” 

“You’re going to be okay, I called an ambulance!” Alpha said quickly. “Just, stay awake.”

Negan’s hands were curled, glass was caught in one. The pain was gone. Or he just couldn’t fucking feel anymore. He felt hot. He felt a stinging sensation. But not agony. Not pain. He felt the blood escaping his side. He felt the way the shard of glass lingered there. It’s sharp edges making it hard to move. He used his free hand to grip at Alpha’s shirt. “Alpha...please...I didn’t do it.” Negan shook his head weakly, he looked up at the sky. It’s vibrant blue color hurting his eyes. Where was Rick in all of that blue? “Don’t take me from him, Alpha....you can’t.” 

“Negan…”

“Please...please…” Negan faded out and the blood pooled around him.

* * *

 

Rick and Shane both flicked their heads when they heard a voice coming through on the radio. It was Abraham. There was a major car accident. He gave them his location. One completely flipped out. Another spun out because of it. It was a hit and run. The car that flipped was totaled. It was black. Abraham said Negan’s name.  Rick felt his breath escape him. He felt heavy and light at the same time. His hands began to shake against the steering wheel. He started breathing rapidly and tears immediately fell from his face.

“Rick are you alright??” Shane asked.

Rick turned the car around and began driving to the accident. He couldn’t feel anything. 

“Rick??”

“Negan.” Rick’s entire body moved with each breath. He choked on his words. “What if…” 

“Rick calm down!” Shane yelled.

“Shut up!” Rick shouted. His foot pushed the gas pedal as far it could go. 

“Rick, stop!” Shane yelled.

Rick stared ahead, his focus unbreakable. He had to get there. He had to fucking get there. The police cruiser wavered into the other lane. 

“Rick! Seriously, slow the fuck down!!” Shane yelled. “There’s nothing you can do, it’s already been taken care of at this point!” 

Rick snapped out of it. He released the pressure of his foot. He still drove quickly, but not as dangerous. 

“I’m sorry.” Rick said. “I’m fucking sorry.” 

Shane looked at Rick with more understanding than any moment before. “Rick...Look I-”

Rick’s eyes widened when he saw the car. Multiple police cars were around it. Rosita and Abraham. A few of the others from the department. Rick ignored Shane and stopped the car. He bolted out of the door. The Valiant was smoking. Glass littered the dirt. He ran over to Abraham.

“Where is he??” Rick asked desperately. “Where is he?? Is he okay?” 

“He was taken to the hospital-”

“What happened??” 

“There was an 18 wheeler. Tara was behind him, she spun out over there.” Abraham pointed to the other side of the road. But Tara wasn’t there. “Rosita took her to the hospital just to make sure she was alright.” 

“Tara…” Rick felt sick. “She called?” 

“No that was another woman who was behind them. She’s at the hospital with Negan.” 

“What’s his condition?”

“I don’t know.”

Rick looked out towards the car. He saw the blood-stained dirt. There was a lot of it. He took a step back and felt like he couldn’t breathe. 

“I need to go to the hospital.” Rick turned on his heel and ran towards the police cruiser again. Shane was standing in front of it.

“Woah, woah, Rick stop.” 

“Move! I need to go!!” 

“I’ll drive, Rick, you can’t.” Shane snapped, he held onto Rick’s shoulders. “Get in the passenger side.”

Rick ran to the side of the car and got in. Shane got into the driver’s side and booked it to the hospital.

“You need to go faster Shane.” Rick pleaded.

“Rick, I’m going as fast as I can.”

Rick brought his hands to his face. “I can’t fucking do this again. I can’t fucking do this!” 

“...Rick…it’s...it’s going to okay.”

“Shut the fuck up! You don’t get to say anything! You probably hope he’s fucking dead!” 

“You know that’s not true.” Shane said.

“I can’t do it again Shane...she destroyed me.” Rick replied.

“Look...he means that much to you...then…” Shane sighed deeply. “I trust you Rick. I trust you, okay? Just promise me...you have to promise me if anything bad happens...you don’t give up on Carl and Judith. Or yourself. You can’t.” 

Rick closed his eyes and breathed deeply. He nodded slowly. “Okay.” 

* * *

 

Rick was already opening the door as Shane pulled alongside the hospital’s main entrance. He stumbled out of the car and ran inside. Shane followed. Rick skidded along the floor when he saw Rosita and Tara. He ran over to them.

“Rick!” Rosita said.

“Tara are you okay?” He asked. 

Tara nodded. “I’m fine. But Negan-”

“How is he??” Rick felt sickened. 

“He’s going to be okay. But he was badly injured.” Tara said. “They’re operating on him now.”

“That detective called it in. She’s somewhere around here.” Rosita said gently. 

Rick only nodded. They led him to the waiting room. Shane sat next to him. They didn’t talk.

* * *

 

Negan was awake but weak. He was hooked into an IV. Getting fluids. The doctors had patched him up. And he was going to get a wild scar from the glass in his side. Alpha was with him. She needed to talk to Negan before anyone else. Rick waited impatiently.  

“Why didn’t you just leave me to die? Isn’t that what you want.” Negan said. Voice hoarse. 

Alpha rolled her eyes. “No…” 

Negan muttered a laugh. “It’s night time. Don’t you have a video to send?” 

“I’m not...going to send it.” 

Negan turned his gaze to Alpha. He eyed her cautiously. “Why not?” 

Alpha sighed and looked down. “I got a call from a coworker of mine...like five minutes after I was at your fucking house. There were more murders. More girls...prostitutes...they caught the guy. He killed that girl…” Alpha’s voice was low. “I don’t have a reason anymore...to go after you. I went back to tell you...but you weren’t there.” 

Negan closed his eyes. “Shit. Holy fucking shit, she was right.” 

Alpha furrowed her brow. “Who?” 

“Nobody…” Negan opened his eyes.

“Negan...I...I’m sorry. Sometimes I just...look for cause, you know? Purpose. I guess. I feel...really fucking bad.”

“I don’t need your apology, okay? You were just...doing what you thought was right.”

Alpha lowered her head and nodded. “Well...I’m gonna get going.”

“Alpha...wait...I have a favor.” Negan said.

“What?”

* * *

 

Rick jumped up out of his seat when Alpha came out of the room. She looked at him softly. 

“It’s okay.” She said. “I’m leaving, for good...” 

Rick gave her a knowing look and walked into the room. He nearly collapsed when he saw Negan. He took Alpha’s seat and rested both hands on Negan’s arm.

“You’re okay…” 

Negan coughed. “Y-yeah. I’m okay. For the most part.” 

Rick’s eyes were glossy. “What happened?” 

Negan looked at Rick, his expression full of sorrow. He saw the lines on Rick’s face. The way his forehead was lined with sweat. The fear still lingering in Rick’s eyes. Those crystal blue beacons. He saw the destruction he nearly caused. 

“I...just lost control.” 

“Well...you’re okay. You’re okay.” Rick let himself smile. 

“I’m sorry, Rick.” Negan whispered.

“For what?” 

“For it all.” Negan looked away.

“I’m just glad you’re going to be alright…” Rick said. 

Negan felt a pain in his chest. He couldn’t bear it. He only looked at Rick. And he knew this next part of his life was going to hurt like hell. 

Negan shook his head. “I have problems Rick. Problems that need to be fixed.”

“So we’ll fix them.”

“ _ I _ need to fix them, Rick. I need you to know that.” Negan said.

Rick looked at him oddly. “What do you mean?” 

“I mean...I don’t want you wrapped up in my shit anymore. I don’t want your life on the line because of me. My past, my fucking present…”

“Negan it’s okay-”

“No, it’s not Rick!” Negan’s eyes burned. “It’s not.”

Silence followed. Rick shifted in his seat. “What does...that mean then?”

Negan sighed. “It means...whatever happens...I care about you too fucking much to flip your world around, okay? I just...need you to know that I wouldn’t do anything to ever hurt you on purpose.”

“I know that, Negan.” Rick said.

“Okay.” 

* * *

 

Rick left the hospital with Shane. They had a moment of reconciliation and then Rick was heading back to his house. Shane had informed Carl. Rick fell asleep immediately when he got home. He didn’t know why Negan was being so cryptic. Or if he was being cryptic at all or if Rick was just not reading the writing on the wall. Either way, his dreams were being poisoned by nightmares. Fuck. 

The next morning Negan was taping his IV bag to the handle above a car door. He looked over to his left.

“Thanks again.” 

Alpha shrugged. “You know this is dangerous, right? You need to rest.” 

Negan shook his head. “I can’t fucking be there anymore. We’ll be in New Mexico soon enough.” 

“He’s going to freak the fuck out.” Alpha sighed. “I don’t get why you’re just leaving.” 

“I have to. I have to get better. Like...fucking...better better. Like rehab better, alright? And I don’t want Rick waiting on me. What happens if I can’t do it? He’ll be constantly holding on...and I’ll just keep fucking ruining him.” 

“He could support you. He could help you, you know. You don’t have to lone wolf it.” 

“You don’t get it. I’ve already destroyed one of Rick’s friendships. And others I think...Rick’s been through shit. I can’t be around his fucking children being the way that I am. And I don’t think I could handle Rick changing his life around even more to deal with me in fucking rehab.” Negan sighed. “It’s better this way.”

“Is it?” 

“Yes.” Negan knew it probably wasn’t. But fuck...he couldn’t stop running from his fucking problems.

* * *

 

Rick woke up that morning trying to shake off the dreams. They were stressful and blurry. He got ready and returned back to the hospital. He froze when he found Negan’s room empty. He walked back to the main counter.

“Hey is-”

“Are you Rick Grimes?” The nurse asked, cutting Rick off.

“Y-yeah.” Rick answered, confused. 

“The man that was in here yesterday told me to give this to you.” The nurse handed him an envelope. 

“Uh, where is he?” 

The nurse shook her head in disappointment. “He left. We told him not to, but there’s not much we can do to stop someone.” 

Rick didn’t respond, he only nodded and walked away. He walked outside of the hospital. The hot air and blinding sun felt intensified. Rick leaned against the wall and opened the envelope, pulling out a piece of paper.

__ Darling,  
__ I know you’re gonna hate me. You’re gonna be so fucking mad. I left. I need to go get better. But since I don’t know how long that’s gonna fucking take...I don’t want you waiting for me. It might not even happen at all. I know you wanted to just live your fucking life and maybe you don’t see it, but I’m fucking ruining it. Four months and I’ve rattled your fucking world Rick. You have a life. Your own life. Don’t let me ruin it. Don’t look for me. I’ll come back if I’m better. But only then. In the meantime, go live a peaceful life okay? You need to get better too Rick...you need to get happy on your own. Relying on me ain’t gonna do shit. I saw Lucille before I crashed. And she said you needed me. But we shouldn’t need people like that Rick. I love you. You know I do. But I’ve been a storm for the better part of two years now. And it’s not fucking fair to you. Let me go get better, Rick.   
_ I fucking love you.  
_ __ Negan.

Rick looked up. What...the fuck? He let out an exasperated laugh. Almost like he was finally getting the punchline to the joke. He started walking out to his car. Rick took out his phone and tried calling Negan. It didn’t even go through. He looked at the the recent calls. He found Alpha’s number and dialed it.

Alpha dug around her bag for her phone. She pulled it out and answered the call. Negan was asleep next to her. Or passed out. She didn’t know which.

“Hello?” 

“Alpha??”

“Oh, fuck.” 

“Is he with you?” Rick asked. 

“Yeah.” Alpha said, she looked at Negan who was beginning to stir again.

“Well...can I talk to him?”

“Sorry, he’s asleep.”

“So wake him up.” 

Alpha sighed. “Rick, I can’t. I’m sorry. Just let him do this.” 

“Let him walk out? Let him just fucking run away? I think I deserve a little more than that.” Rick growled. 

Another voice came through the line. “Rick?” 

Rick felt numb. “Negan?”

“Rick. It’s over, alright? I’ve done enough. If you aren’t gonna fucking take off your rose colored glasses then I’m gonna do it for you.”

Rick stood by his car, completely unmoving. “What?” 

“I’m sorry Rick.” 

And then Rick heard nothing. Rick leaned against his car. The breeze blowing gently at his back. In some sad way he knew Negan was right. But he felt like he had just gotten shot. He was trying to process what had just happened over the past few days. And then he wondered if Negan was ever going to come back. And then there was the bluntness in Negan’s voice. And the conversation they had in the hospital the day before made sense.

Rick vomited in the parking lot. 


	11. Nevada Blue

_**End of August:** _

When Rick drove home that morning he listened to silence. Wind whipped through his hair but he couldn’t feel it. He had just been dumped. More or less. And God. It fucking hurt.

Rick pulled into his driveway and walked across the street to Maggie and Glenn’s house. Glenn answered the door.

“Hey Rick. How is he?”

Small town. “He left.”

“He...left?” Glenn raised his eyebrows in confusion.

“Yeah. He left me and the state. He uh...has a lot of issues he needs to deal with.” Rick cleared his throat. He would have to explain this to everyone now. Right as everyone had just found out he was even seeing the man.

“Wow...I’m sorry Rick…” Glenn was genuine. It was what Rick loved about him most. And when he looked at Glenn he knew he would get through this. Maybe. He had people.

Just then Maggie was walking with Judith to the front door.

“Daddy!” Judith ran over to Rick and hugged his legs. She was getting taller everyday. Soon she would be four years old. That scared Rick to no end.

“Hey pup.” Rick kneeled and down and heaved her up. He wanted to cherish the moments he could still hold her.

“Someone’s nervous about preschool.” Maggie chimed, her smile spreading at the thought of Judith going to school. That also scared Rick to no end.

Judith dug her head into Rick’s shoulder. “I don’t want to go!”

Rick laughed gently. “Hey now...you’ll love it. You get to do a lot of stuff we don’t do at home. Like play with shaving cream and play on a swingset.”

Judith relaxed in Rick’s arms. But she was still antsy.

Rick thought Negan would be there as he dropped her off on her first day. What a fucking joke. Rick was sitting on the porch with Judith when Carl came home from Sophia’s.

“How’s Negan?” Carl asked, stepping onto the porch and dropping his bag.

Rick looked off somewhere. “Negan’s gone-”

“Gone?? What do you mean?”

“He left. I don’t know where. New Mexico maybe. He said he had to go fix himself...which...he does.” Rick shook his head.

“Did he...break up with you?” Carl asked.

Rick looked at him. Is that what Negan did? Break up with him? Ditch him? Toss him aside? Shatter him?

“Yeah.”

“What the fuck!!”

“Carl.”

Carl looked apologetic but Judith was too immersed messing with an app on Rick’s phone. “Sorry dad...but that’s bull and you know it! I mean...he knows what you’ve been through! Why would he do that? Wasn’t he badly injured too??”

“Sometimes people make stupid and impulsive decisions. Sometimes it’s easier to go deal with your problems alone...I can’t control what he does.”

“Are you...going to be okay?” Carl looked at Rick in a way that broke Rick in fucking two. And he knew he couldn’t break in front of Carl again. Not again. And not over Negan. Fuck him.

“I’ll be...okay.” Rick sighed. “It’s going to be hard...I mean...I just found out this morning. But I won’t be like I was Carl...I promise.”

Carl nodded and looked down. “This sucks.”

“Yeah. It does.”

Carl was starting school the first week of September. Rick thought Negan would be there during Carl’s final year of highschool. The kids on the baseball team would be jealous Carl had a professional ex-ball player to practice with. Rick would sit on the bleachers with Judith, watching Negan teach Carl new tricks and tips under the lights. At the games Negan would yell at the umpire and the other parents. Rick would laugh and shake his head.

Why did he let himself think it would go that far?

The next morning Rick walked into the station hesitantly. Everything felt different. It all looked the same but...it wasn’t.

“Rick!” Shane immediately got up out of his seat when Rick walked through the door. “How is...everything?”

Rick could have broken down right then and there from premature exhaustion from answering that question.

“Negan left town. He broke up with me or he didn’t, I really dont fucking know. But he’s gone.” Rick said, as quickly and painlessly as possible.

“What?” Shane squinted at him.

Rick didn’t meet Shane’s eyes. “He said he’s going to try and get better. I’m assuming that means rehab or something like that. And he didn’t want me to be around that anymore. So, he granted your wish I guess.”

Shane frowned. “Rick…”

Rick shook his head. “I let myself feel to much. I feel like a fool.” He huffed a laugh. “Rose colored glasses.”

“I’m sorry Rick.”

“Yeah...I know.”

* * *

**_September:_ **

A few days passed and Rick explained to everyone what happened. He didn’t want to. But he had to. It had all exploded in a matter of days. It was still confusing to Rick. He was flipping through the channels when he landed on his news station. They had already covered the crash. Didn’t say a lot about it. Stories on the news lasted a few minutes at best. Being involved made Rick angry. That everyone watching just saw a glimpse. But this moment of time nearly shattered his whole world. He was dealing with the ricochet now.

During that week Rick had kept his eye on the sports channel. Maybe they’d learn about Negan. Rick’s suspicion was right. He sat alone on his couch as Judith watched a movie upstairs.

_“I think we all knew we weren’t done hearing about Negan.” One of the sports casters said._

Rick recognized Dale from Negan’s interview.

_“All we know right now is that Negan was involved in a pretty serious car accident. He relocated hospitals, we believe, in New Mexico. He couldn’t be reached for a statement. However, officials from Red Canyon where Negan was living said he suffered from a major laceration on his left side. We also spoke to the doctors at the hospital he was brought to and they told us he was under the influence of alcohol and cocaine.” Dale said._

Rick’s stomach sank. He obviously knew all this. But now everyone did. And it wasn’t fucking fair. He also realized that no one was going to know where Negan was. Fuck.

When Rick brought Judith into the preschool she dropped her lunchbox and clung to Rick’s leg. It was funny but sad at the same time. She finally let go and accepted her fate. Rick drove home and cried in his kitchen. He already knew starting preschool with Judith was going to be hard. It was something he should be sharing with Lori. And something he could have told Negan about. But neither of them were here. Rick had tried Negan and Alpha’s phone multiple times. He was starting to realize that this was going to be his life now.

Carl’s problem with his class schedule didn’t amount to much of a problem. He had found people he could hang with. At least Rick didn’t have to deal with a moody teenager. September was in it’s third week. Michonne was having an end of summer party. Rick found himself sitting on the edge of her pool, pants rolled up so his legs could stick in the water. He always found himself sitting along the edges of his friend’s pools. He didn’t have the room in his backyard for one. Didn’t Negan have a pool? Rick remembered seeing the flickering of pool light through Negan’s window when he was over his house. Why didn’t he notice it? Why couldn’t he have noticed it? Michonne sat down next to him, and it felt too familiar.

“Hey.” Michonne said, staring forward at the chlorine. “How are you holding up…?”

Rick let out a long sigh. “I’m lost. It was too abrupt. I don’t know how to...move.”

“Closure is important. He should have given that to you.” Michonne said.

“Yeah...I just...don’t know what I’m supposed to do. If he never comes back...I just feel like I’m going to be waiting. He told me not to wait but how can I not? If he leaves like a ghost I’m just going to keep looking over my shoulder...out of my peripheral. It’s already almost been a month. I’m trying not to show my emotions in front of Carl. But it fucking hurts.” Rick scratched at his beard. He could feel his voice wavering.

“It’s not fair Rick. But you’re one of the strongest people I know. You’ll get through this.”

Rick nodded. “I just hope he really gets better. For his sake. I do understand it...I just...I don’t know. I just don’t think I’m going to be able to pursue another relationship for a long time. But I realized how much I needed it...but that’s my own problem I need to fix. I need to be able to live how I am...so maybe in some way this is for the best.”

“I’m here for you, Rick. Through and through.”

“Yeah...I know.”

* * *

**_October:_ **

It was starting to cool down, it terms of Red Canyon, which meant it was around 80 degrees. Rick was walking hand in hand with Judith through the local flea market. Rick took Judith there occasionally to pick out new beanie babies. The older kind. Back in the summer he had thought of taking Negan along. Maybe he’d find a new bandana. Rick still had it. Sometimes he would fold it and put it in his pocket. Usually it laid in his nightstand. Either way...it killed him. Judith picked out some new beanie babies. Rick found a lawn flamingo. It didn’t go with his house or the vibe of his neighborhood. But something about it reminded him of Negan. The tackiness of that man’s house still invaded his mind. When would he get over him? His birthday had passed sometime in September. His friends all threw him a party. Negan should have been there, he thought.

Rick and Shane’s friendship was returning to normal. Rick was trying very hard to act positive. But when his head hit the pillow at night he felt otherwise. The nightmares returned. A lot of times he’d drive to the scene of the accident. And over the blood stained dirt would be Negan’s body. Mangled and maimed. The only reason Negan didn’t go through the windshield was because of his airbag and seatbelt. Rick had gotten through to him after all. Well. A little. One night Rick woke up yelling. Carl had run into the room. It was like before. After Lori died. But Rick tried to play it off...tried to make it seem different. But Negan’s bloody body remained in Rick’s vision after Carl went back to his room. He wondered when the that would stop.

Rick woke up and suddenly it was Halloween. Why was time moving so fast? Work and the kids kept him busy. He had stopped trying Negan and Alpha’s phones. Hell, Alpha probably didn’t even know where he was at this point either. Carl did subtle zombie makeup for school. Just an exposed jaw and hollowed eyes. Judith wanted to be a mouse and she practically begged Rick to be a cat. He obliged. The kids at the preschool had a little party. Rick got along with the other parents enough but he just wanted to return back to his neighborhood. That night Rick reapplied his cat makeup (whiskers and a little nose) and met Carl outside with Judith. She clung to Rick’s hand seeing all the other kids walking around.

Maggie and Glenn were sitting at the edge of their driveway with a huge bowl of candy. Beth and Daryl were sitting off to the side, eating a handful of it. Maggie and Glenn were dressed up as Bonnie and Clyde. Or some variation of that. Daryl and Beth were a makeshift Max and Furiosa from the last Mad Max movie. Rick had seen that with Carl. He thought Daryl and Beth looked cute as hell.

“Hey guys.” Rick said, smiling as he walked up to the driveway.

Maggie’s eyes lit up seeing Rick in his cat costume. It was just a black turtleneck, black pants, ears, and a tail...but it was really fucking cute. Judith’s big mouse ears flopped towards her face. Carl had run off with Enid and Sophia somewhere. They were all zombies intent on terrorizing the other kids.

“Oh my GOD Rick...you’re adorable.” Maggie grinned.

“Yeah...thanks.” Rick mumbled. Judith clung to his leg.

“Hey Judy!” Maggie said, leaning forward in her chair. “You want your first candy of the night?”

Judith giggled and reached her pumpkin container out in front of her. “Yeah!”

Rick looked down. “What do you say first Judith?”

“Oh! Trick or treat!”

Maggie and Glenn laughed and put a handful of candy in the plastic pumpkin. Rick smiled warmly at them and then embarked through the neighborhood as long as Judith’s little legs could go. It wasn’t very long. Rick left the light on in the kitchen for Carl. He went to bed. He slept with the bandana in his hand.

* * *

**_November:_ **

The weather was nice. Rick and Shane were dealing with a run down car on Red Rock Drive by the batting cages. Rick was leaning against the police cruiser as Shane was helping the poor soul whose car would probably cost them a boatload. He stared towards the batting cages and sighed. That was his and Negan’s first “date.” Or whatever it was meant to be at the time. Rick was too nervous to fuck a stranger. Maybe he should have just left it at a one night stand. But even before the batting cages there was electricity. It was meant to be this way.

He remembered their conversation. Remembered the way they flirted. It was new. And they both turned out to be so different than their first impressions. Fuck he missed him. Missed the way he talked. The way he leaned. The way he could still make Rick nervous and comfortable all at once. He missed him for emotional reasons and shallow reasons.

“He’s gonna ride with the tow truck.” Shane said, approaching Rick and using one hand to block the sun.

Rick pushed off of the cruiser and nodded.

“You alright?” Shane asked. Rick had gotten used to this. Shane wouldn’t ask often...but he’d sneak it in every now and then. Because he knew Rick. Too well.

Rick shrugged. “I wonder sometimes if I died instead of Lori. And I’m in limbo. Or maybe some guys are just unlucky. I’m trying Shane. I’m trying so fucking hard.”

“I know you are.”

“And now we’re heading to the holidays and I gotta go see Lori’s family.” Rick shook his head. “I miss mine. But it’s too far to travel…”

Shane put a hand on Rick’s shoulder. “There’s gonna be another side Rick. There always is.”

“How are things with Sasha?”

“Good.” Shane said. “Really good, actually.”

“That’s relieving. I don’t think I could handle us both being sad and sappy.” Rick managed a smile.

“Let’s get out here.”

Thanksgiving approached quickly. Rick took Carl and Judith to see Lori’s family. They didn’t ask much questions regarding Rick’s love life. They had figured he wasn’t looking around. And there was no need to explain Negan to her family. Judith knew Lori as an angel. She was beginning to retain the information Rick told her. The photos. The smiles.

Rick walked out on the porch while everyone was inside eating dessert. Rick remembered sitting on it with Lori when they first moved out here. And Rick wondered what the hell he was doing across the country. It was all for her. It always would be. Rick leaned over the porch railing. He heard the door open and close.

“Hey Carl.” He said, turning his head.

“Dad...no word or anything?”

“No.”

“It’s almost been three months…”

Rick sighed. “Yeah...I know.”

* * *

**_December:_ **

“You getting me something for Christmas?” Rick joked to Shane one day in early December.

“Depends if you’re getting me anything.” Shane laughed. “Of course I am. But I’m not telling you what it is. So don’t even try it.”

Rick laughed and shook his head. But another holiday was approaching. And it still fucking stung.

Rick went out that night with Shane, Sasha, and Michonne. Michonne was his go to when it came to hanging out with Shane and a significant other. He knew Sasha just as well, but he knew it would still have it’s awkward moments. They were sitting in a bar at a booth as someone changed the song on the retro jukebox. Rick thought it sounded familiar, it reminded him of Negan instantly. But he couldn’t remember.

“So Rick how’s preschool going?” Sasha smiled gently, a beer in her hand.

Rick smirked. “Judith is actually liking it. Thank God...makes it a lot easier.”

“She’s growing up so damn fast.” Michonne added, she placed a hand on Rick’s arm. “Soon you’ll be going a lot more grey.”

“You calling me grey now?” Rick smiled crookedly.

“Maybe I am.” Michonne grinned. The two looked away from each other.

“How’s the lawyer business?” Rick asked before taking a swig of his beer. “You still affording you’re fancy pool?” Rick teased.

Michonne gave him a playful glare and rolled her eyes. “Yep. One you always like to dip your legs in but never go in fully.”

“Did you turn the heat on for it yet?” Rick asked.

“Yep. Why, you wanna go in?” Michonne laughed.

“Hell yeah.”

“Jeez you two. Get a room.” Sasha joked. “Or a pool.”

Rick looked over at her, his smile stayed on his face but his mind instantly flicked to a different station. He had always had some kind of physical tension between himself and Michonne. Negan had brought him back from the dead. Reminded him of what it felt like to touch and be touched.

“Oh shut up, Sasha.” Michonne said. “Don’t act like you and Shane aren’t making out every two seconds at all our parties.”

Shane laughed shyly.

Rick and Michonne watched them leave the parking lot. Michonne leaned against her car and faced Rick.

“So...you can come over if you wanna go swimming. Unless that was just us joking around.” Michonne said.

Rick kicked the gravel with his foot. “Yeah...I’ll come over.” He looked up at her and smiled. Michonne did the same.

The light coming from Michonne’s pool was nothing short of picturesque. Matched with the reddish tint of the tiles it was practically glowing. Rick and Michonne stood in front of it.

“It’s heated?” Rick asked. He looked at the water hesitantly.

“Yeah.” Michonne laughed. The weather was pretty cold for what they were used to back in the summer. It was a cool 57 degrees. Michonne took off her jacket. Rick did the same. He threw it on one of the pool chairs.

“We gotta get in fast. I hate the cold.” Rick breathed.

“I’ll race ya.” Michonne offered.

“On the count of three.”

“Okay...one...two….three!”

Michonne and Rick both raced to strip down to their underwear. Rick’s leg got caught in his pants and he almost tumbled forward. Michonne was about to jump in when Rick grabbed her. They both fell into the water. Rick’s leg still stuck in his pants.

“Cheater!” Michonne yelled, gasping for air as the two came up from underwater.

Rick wiped his face and laughed. He reached for his pants and threw them on the pool tile. He also threw both socks along with it.

“I didn’t think that one through.” Rick laughed. “I’ll have to borrow some sweatpants or something.”

“Yeah that was really stupid of you.” Michonne teased.

The two floated closer to each other. A few second passed before they both leaned in and kissed each other. Their hands instantly grabbed at one another, Rick pulled her closer and reached his feet out to stand. They kissed hard.

Michonne pulled away. “I’m not...looking for anything serious, Rick.”

“Me either.”

“You still miss him?”

“Every damn day. But I’m supposed to live my life, remember?” Rick said with a hint of venom. He shrugged. “He’d understand.”

“Wanna go get dry?” Michonne asked, flicking her head towards her house.

Rick looked at her and smirked. “Yep.”

Rick and Michonne didn’t make it upstairs, or very far from the patio door before their chlorine soaked underwear littered the floor. It was a cool dark in Michonne’s house. And for a moment he forgot about the everlasting shadow looming over him at all times. He went home that night realizing that a serious relationship was most likely not going to be in his future. He didn’t want there to be one anymore. But hell, he might as well have some fun while his heart tries to fucking heal.

Christmas came and went. Shane got Rick a few movies Rick didn’t own yet, and also a new pair of jeans as a gag gift. Rick always seemed to wear the same damn pair. It boggled Shane’s mind. Rick was excited watching Judith open all of her gifts. It was nice having someone still believe in Santa. Carl was happy with what Rick got him. It was a nice day. And Rick actually got some good sleep that night.

* * *

_**January:** _

Rick woke up around 3 in the morning early January. He was sweating and still coming out of a bad nightmare. He thought seeing Negan maimed, dead, or torn apart was over. But it wasn’t. This time Negan tried to tell him something as Rick hovered over his broken body. He couldn’t hear Negan. It was ambient. Diffused into the other noises surrounding them. Rick lied in his bed covering his hands with his face. Hot tears soaked his palms. He was doing better. But some nights it hit him all at once. With no warning. With no mercy. He had a summer fling. That’s all it fucking was. Right? But he had let himself fall. And he missed so desperately the way he felt safe in Negan’s arms. He wondered what he was doing with his time. Hopefully getting better. That was the only way Rick knew he would see him again.

Fuck. January was hard.

* * *

**_February:_ **

When Valentine’s Day approached Rick dropped Carl off at a restaurant he was meeting Enid at. Judith played with Carl’s iPad in the back seat. He started driving home after watching Carl enter the restaurant. Rick had asked Michonne what she was up to. The two only messed around a couple of times. Nothing serious. But she was busy with work. The night passed by quickly. He had picked Carl up. Put Judith to bed. Carl was upstairs in his room. Rick walked down into his basement. It was partly finished. It almost became finished but Lori’s death halted Rick’s desire to do anything to it. There was still an older TV set against one of the walls. VHS tapes lined the shelving unit next to it. Rick traced his fingers along them. He had turned on the stereo and let himself listen to some sad Roy Orbison song. He chose one of the tapes and put it in the VCR.

It was sometime during Spring back in Georgia. Rick and Lori were at college. Lori was filming Rick. They were walking around campus. She had a video project to film but Rick was helping keep her distracted. At some point during the video Rick had taken the camera from Lori to film her. Rick smiled to himself. Fuck. He missed her.

Rick looked around at the other tapes and he froze when he read the sticker along the side of one. _1999 World Series: Roamers VS Saviors._ Rick nearly choked. His finger pressed along the corner of the tape, ready to pull it out of it’s dusty place. He pulled it out and popped it into the VCR. He had to rewind the whole damn thing. He didn’t miss doing that these days. Another song started playing on the stereo.

 _Living my life_  
_With you on my mind_  
_Thinking of things_  
_That I left far behind_  
_It's been so long_  
_Doing all I can do_  
_To get back to you_ _  
_ California Blue

Rick watched the tape with unmoving eyes. He was sitting directly in front of the TV while the couch stayed vacant behind him. And then there Negan was. Early 30’s. Smiling like a damn jackass. Fixing his baseball cap. And fucking destroying the Georgia Roamers. Rick started crying and laughing and smiling. How was this his life? How did he watch Negan nearly twenty years ago and not know what was going to happen? He watched the tape front to back. Over three hours. He didn’t move from his spot once. He just watched the entire game. He watched Negan jump on his teammates celebrating their win. Negan hadn’t even met Lucille yet. Was there any hint at to what their lives were going to become? No...probably not. Rick blinked hard when the tape finished. He put it back in it’s spot and walked back upstairs. He went to bed that night with songs stuck in his head. _Still missing you...California Blue._

* * *

**_March:_ **

Baseball practice was in full swing for Carl. Maggie and Glenn were helping watch Judith. They would bring her to the motel and let her check in all the guests. Rick was grateful for that. He could stick her in a daycare and maybe she’d turn out extra smart...but Rick liked having her with people he considered family. Rick and Shane were sitting at an intersection in the police cruiser. Rick had the windows open. It was getting warmer again.

“You sure you and Michonne can’t date?” Shane joked. “I think you guys would be great together.”

Rick laughed. “We probably would be. But she’s so independent and work driven. She’s got plans you know? And I can’t do that.” Rick couldn’t do that and he wouldn’t do that. A part of him still clung to the idea of Negan’s return. And even thought Rick was told not to wait for him...fuck...he’d wait forever. “But she’s fun to just hang out with. We have a good time.” Rick shrugged.

“You still think of him?” Shane asked. They had pretty much stopped talking about Negan at this point.

Rick sighed. “Yeah. I do. But I think I’m finally getting better...you know with myself. With my life.”

“I’m really glad.” Shane said. “I was really worried about you for a bit there.”

“I knew it wasn’t going to be an easy thing. But I guess it forced me to evaluate my life. Still ain’t fucking fair though. I just wish I knew how he was doing...his progress. If there’s been any.” Rick looked out the driver side window.

“I’m sure you’ll hear from him one of these days. I don’t know if he’s the type who can stay away.” Shane laughed.

Rick smirked. “Yeah, maybe.”

Later in the month Rick was sitting at the diner with Judith. He saw Carol come in and waved her over.

“Rick! You’re here.” Carol said.

“Yeah. How’s it going?”

“Uh, good.” Carol was looking out the diner windows now. Rick looked at her suspiciously.

“You okay, Carol?” He asked.

“What?” Carol looked back down at Rick. “Yeah, of course.”

Rick looked behind her at an approaching man. “Morgan! Hey.”

“Hey Rick.” Morgan smiled. “I’m on my lunch break. You enjoying your day off?”

“Yeah, I hope Rosita and Abraham are behaving without me.”

Morgan rolled his eyes. “As endearing as they are...I’m just glad they’re the only couple in our department.” Morgan laughed gently. “Carol you want to go grab a booth?”

Rick looked Carol and grinned. “Wait a second…”

“What?” Morgan asked.

Carol looked pale.

Morgan laughed. “She didn’t tell you? We’re dating.”

“I was going to.” Carol defended. “But you know how everyone is in this damn town.” She mumbled.

Rick laughed loudly at that. “Yeah! I know.”

* * *

**_April:_ **

April was nice. Rick spent a lot of time with Judith and Carl. He even threw a few get togethers at his house. He tried his best to practice baseball with Carl, but it only proved how completely awful he is at it. Rick’s nightmares had lessened significantly. He was waking up ready for the day more than not. And when he held the red bandana he didn’t cry. He just wished at some point he’d hear from him. But if not...he knew he’d be okay.

His friends were a huge help. And he owed them the world. He and Michonne had stopped hooking up. Not for any big reason. But they both decided they had gotten that out of their system. Rick was starting to feel comfortable on his own. He let himself be sad about Negan. Let himself listen to sappy music. But at the end of the day he saw a future. Sometimes Rick would search Negan’s name online. He realized his birthday was this month. God. How he wished he could find him. Spend that day with him. Be there for him. But it was no good daydreaming of days that might not even happen.

April was nice. But Negan was still hard to get over.

* * *

**_May:_ **

“FUCK!!!” Rick screamed. He was clutching his hand. Shane came up behind him and punched a nameless man in the face. Rick doubled over in pain. The nameless man stumbled back and fell on the floor.

“You just assaulted an officer, asshole!” Shane yelled. They were at the Paradise Lounge. Outside of their usual range. But they were the closest officers around at the time. The blue and pink lighting danced along the lounge. A man had started a fight. When Rick tried to break it up the man attacked Rick and managed to break his hand. Rick’s fingers were bent and the bones in his palm were surely shattered. But Rick wasn’t a fucking doctor. And he could barely think with the sheer pain going through his hand. He saw Shane handcuff the nameless man. The lights were becoming hazy and distorted. The pain was starting to tear into him. Rick spent the night in the hospital.

“Jeez, dad.” Carl said, looking at the cast on Rick’s right hand. They were in their kitchen. “That’s a pretty intense cast.”

“Yep...my hand is really busted. And my wrist...” Rick huffed a laugh. “It will be okay though...eventually…” Rick didn’t even want to think about how long he was going to have to live with this cast.

“Can you still work?”

“Yeah...Morgan’s gonna let me. But Shane has to do all the heavy lifting.” Rick laughed. “So maybe there’s a silver lining.”

“What did it feel like?” Carl asked, eyes full of morbid wonder.

“It felt like my hand was crushed by a car or something. I still can’t believe a guy did this.”

“I’d be screwed if I broke my hand...” Carl said, in his own thought. “I feel like I should wear protective gear all the time.”

Rick laughed. “So you really want to pursue baseball huh?”

Carl smiled and looked down. “I mean...yeah. Unless you want me to be like, a cop or something.”

Rick held up his right hand. “Hell no.”

“So...you’re really cool with me going to school in California?”

“Of course. It’s not like it’s that far away. I moved across the country and made my family deal with it. I think you can go to California. But if for some reason you ever make it big...you will not play for the Saviors.” Rick joked.

“That would be sweet.” Carl said, grinning.

Rick squinted at him and smirked. “Yeah...I know.”

* * *

 

**_June 2010:_ **

_Lucille hung her arm out the passenger side window. She had placed her sun hat next to her and Negan. They were riding in a 1970 Chevy Malibu. It was a brilliant red color. They were driving along State Route 1 in California. Lucille had her shoes off. She turned up the volume on the radio._

_“California Blue! Love this song.” She said._

_“Yeah, because of me. Made everyone at our wedding fucking weep.” Negan grinned. “Never doubt my music choices again, darling.”_

_Lucille playfully shoved at Negan’s shoulder. She lleaned over to Negan and tugged on his black bandana._

_“I still say you should wear a red one, babe. I’m telling you it will really do a number on me.” Lucille said. Negan could feel those piercing eyes on his frame._

_“I like the black one. I already told you.”_

_“Oh come on.” Lucille slumped back in her seat. “Black bandana on black leather...you’re not that punk.”_

_“I’m not fucking punk at all.” Negan snorted. “I just like this jacket.”_

_“I’m gonna get you a red bandana.”_

_“You can do whatever the fuck you want.” Negan smiled. “And you can apply that to all aspects of our relationship.”_

_“Ha-ha.” Lucille put on her round sunglasses. “So, we get to just do whatever the hell we want now?”_

_“That’s the beauty of retirement, darling. And the beauty of being fucking rich. You and I get to do whatever our fucking hearts desire.”_

_Lucille smiled and looked out the window. Negan looked over at her._

_“What? Not gonna continue the fucking conversation?” He asked._

_Lucille snapped her head over to him. “Can’t handle comfortable silence?”_

_Negan laughed. “Of course I can. But I never get tired of your voice. After all these years. You’ve got a fucking way, Lucille.” Negan reached over and took her hand in his._

_“I hate that you make me love you so damn much.” Lucille said._

_“Can you believe it’s already been five years?” Negan said, almost to himself. “Damn. I’m gonna be old as fuck before I know it.”_

_“Well what about me? I’m gonna age too you know.”_

_“No you’re not. You’re gonna stay forever young.” Negan grinned. “Well, to me you are. You’re not even fucking thirty yet, doll. I’m goddamn 43. Like, the fuck is that?”_

_“I think you get hotter with age, so don’t worry too much about it.” Lucille said. “And don’t be one of those old dudes that’s insecure about his hot wife.” She joked._

_“You know I got too much fucking charisma for that. Jesus. If I ever act like that you can personally kill me and take all my money.” Negan said._

_“I already take all your money.”_

_“Yeah ain’t that the fucking truth.”_

_“Hey what the fuck does that mean?” Lucille laughed._

_Negan laughed too. “Just teasing, darling.”_

_“You’re my rich husband, don’t try and act like you’re some sort of sugar daddy.” Lucille crooned._

_“Oh fuck! Darling...don’t even toy with the idea of me being your fuckin’ sugar daddy.”_

_“Hmm. Could be hot though.” Lucille said. “But you’re not old enough yet. You gotta be like, at least fifty.”_

_“Shit. I don’t wanna think about being fifty fucking years old.” Negan groaned._

_“Why not? That could be a great year for you.”_

_“Yeah? Shit. I’ll try to be positive about it I guess.”_

_“Well, like I said, you get better with age. So I’ll be there.” Lucille smiled, showing her teeth._

_“Damn, if we weren’t already married I’d go drive to Las Vegas and marry you on the spot.” Negan mused._

_Lucille rolled her eyes, though it wasn’t visible. “You’d marry me in some dinky Vegas chapel?”_

_“Shit Lucille, I’d marry you in a fucking landfill if it meant you’d become my wife.”_

_“You’re an idiot.”_

_Negan laughed like a hyena. “Yeah, I know.”_

* * *

**_June - Present Day_ **

Somewhere along the West in the early morning a car was increasing speed. Shining like a goddamn brilliant flare. Red as the rock. Red as a lost bandana. A red car for Red fucking Canyon. Goddamn life was wild. But life could be so fucking beautiful, right?  
  
_I’ll be on my way. Nevada Blue._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Hope you enjoyed this chapter :) The songs I talked about are Crying, and California Blue by Roy Orbison. I randomly felt like listening to him (only know like 2 songs) and I just picked 'Crying' because I thought it might fit the mood. Then I realized it sounded familiar and that's because it's played in 7x03 when Daryl is in the cell! Haha, so I had to mention it. And then I heard California Blue and thought it was perfect. I also referenced early chapters this fic but like, it's been a while haha. Hopefully some lines sound familiar. (also had to sneak in /some/ richonne...hahaha) Hopefully my next update isn't so spaced out! I'm gonna try. Thanks for reading guys <3


	12. Setting Sun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! This is the final chapter (which makes me sad but I knew from the start this story wasn't going to be too long) And I know it's a shorter chapter but I had to write it as naturally as I could and adding more scenes to this chapter would just turn it into something it wasn't supposed to be. I hope you enjoy the ending and I'll have some notes at the end as well. :)

In the early morning Rick put on his uniform and checked on Judith. She was sleeping soundly. It was Saturday which meant she’d be safe with Carl all day. He drove into work. A calm June morning. Beauty radiating from the upcoming sun. Warmth to make anybody feel good. Rick was going out into town on his own. Sometimes he enjoyed his shifts alone.

There was something about life that Rick couldn’t comprehend. Something that made it all too intense. People come into your life for moments at a time. Or forever. Or until death hits. And sometimes they hurt you or you hurt them. Sometimes it’s beautiful and sometimes it’s tragic. Life was hard. But when the sun lit up the desert...for that moment it all seemed worth it.

Rick sat at a desolate intersection. He was flipping stations. Sports on the AM. Music on the FM. He couldn’t fucking decide what to leave on. Rick stared out the window towards the orange desert. It all blended together towards the horizon. A gentle breeze blew through the windows. Rick wondered how it was all possible. To move on after death. But it was. God. It was. Lori was a light. And nothing could put it out. He knew that now.

_“Fuck that guy!” Rick yelled at the television in the Fall of 99. “Goddamn it…”_

_“Hey, just be happy your team even made it to the World Series.” Lori said, she was barely showing...she was in the early stages of her pregnancy._

_“That guy’s too good. I guess we didn’t stand a chance.” Rick groaned. “Ugh, look at his stupid smile.”_

_Lori laughed. “Don’t tell me you’re gonna get all obsessed and upset over this.”_

_Rick turned the TV off. “Nope, I’m done with that. I don’t need to see coverage of that dude 24/7. And what kind of name is Negan. Pfft.”_

_Lori laughed again and leaned into Rick on the couch. “Don’t be a sore loser.”_

_“Hm.” Rick mumbled. “Well, I guess it’s a good thing I’m not home. We’d all be dying on the floor. Mope-fest of the century.”_

_“So...you like it here?” Lori asked hesitantly._

_“Yeah.” Rick said. “It’s a change of scenery.”_

_“Because we can always go back.”_

_“We don’t have to go back, Lori. I’m fine being here. Maybe this place holds a hell of a lot more for us than Georgia ever did.” Rick said._

_“I just want you to be happy, love.” Lori said._

_“I am happy.” Rick placed a hand on Lori’s stomach. “I might bitch about the World Series but I’m happy Lori.”_

_“Good.”_

Rick had settled on a sports station. They were talking about baseball. This station mostly covered California and Nevada baseball. Rick didn’t mind. He liked hearing about the Saviors. And there it was again. Negan. Rick smirked to himself. It had been ten months. Almost a year since Negan vanished. Oh well.

Rick put the cruiser in drive and started to make his way down the open road ahead. A game was going on. The voices on the radio were calming. Nostalgic. Something about baseball was like that. Rick flipped his visor down. He had forgotten his sunglasses.

And then something flew by in his peripheral vision.   
A flash of red.  
A passing vision.   
It roared ahead like a bullet out of a shotgun.   
Too easy.

Rick shook his head. His car was clearly a police car. And some people still thought they could get away with speeding. Rick drove fast and let his sirens wail and wail. The car ahead stopped with ease.

Rick’s feet met the gravel of the road. Each step crunching along the loose rocks. The car was about thirty feet ahead. Rick looked at the back of it. His feet stopped moving when he saw the spaced out letters that spelled “Plymouth.” And then he saw an arm lean out the window. Draped in leather. Rick held his breath and found the will to keep walking.

Rick froze at the driver side window. The arm extended upward, a hand pointed at him.

“This is where you say, ‘Do you know how fast you were going?’ And I say, ‘Nope, but I’m guessing it was pretty fucking fast.” Eyes glanced towards Rick.

Rick’s heels stepped backwards, into the middle of the road. He couldn’t breathe. Or talk. Or move right.

The door of the red car opened. And then there were four feet on the desert road.

“Darling-”

Rick ran towards Negan. He wrapped his arms around Negan’s neck, and Negan wrapped his around Rick’s torso. Rick’s feet were suspended off the ground. Negan held on tight.

“I didn’t think you were ever coming back.” Rick managed to say.

“I made it, Rick.” Negan whispered. “And I’m fucking sorry.”

Rick pulled away from Negan’s arms and shoved him forward. “You fucking asshole! Do you know what you missed??” Rick felt tears fall along his face.

“What happened to your hand??” Negan asked, taking notice to the cast on Rick’s hand and forearm.

“You missed Carl’s senior year, his prom. He got a scholarship for baseball and he’s going to school in California. Judith went to preschool.” Rick shook his head. “You missed holidays and birthdays. And I fucking missed you.”

“Rick...I know.” Negan stepped towards him. “How are you?”

Rick wiped his face. A small smile formed. He looked up at Negan, squinting with the light. He started laughing. From shock of his own feelings. “I’m good. What about you?”

Negan nodded. “It was a lot of work. There were times I almost couldn’t do it. But I got better, Rick. I’m good.”

Rick hugged Negan again, arms wrapping around his body as tight as they could go. Rick got a face full of leather but he didn’t care. They stayed like that for a few minutes.

“Darling...what happened to your hand?” Negan asked again.

Rick laughed against Negan’s body. “A drunk guy broke it.”

Negan pulled away. “What??” Anger flared in his eyes. “A guy broke your fucking hand??”

Rick smirked. “Yeah...at the Paradise Lounge. Sometimes my job is actually dangerous.”

Negan looked like he could ignite. It made Rick laugh. “Relax. My hand will heal. Mostly.”

“Mostly??”

“Negan, it’s fine.”

There was a silence. A stillness. Rick and Negan stood there, staring at one another. Negan looked away.

“God. I fucking missed you.” Negan said, eyes glossy. “I fucking missed you so fucking much. I’m sorry if I put your through hell…”

“...It was hard at first. I won’t lie. But then I woke up one day and I looked around and I realized...I had a pretty great life. And I was me. And I was fine with that. I was fine with being alone. But I couldn’t forget you.”

“So you didn’t...you didn’t find anyone else?” Negan asked. It was a thought that scared him everyday he was apart from Rick. He told Rick not to wait...but he still held out hope Rick wouldn’t move on with someone else.

Rick smirked. “Me and Michonne hooked up a few times. But that was it.”

Negan surprised Rick when he laughed. “Holy shit Rick! So I really did bring you back from the fucking dead huh?”

Rick rolled his eyes. “Yeah.”

“But even still...I was gone what? Ten months? And you only had sex a couple times?”

Rick’s expression changed. He looked at Negan cautiously. “W-what about you…?”

Negan howled with laughter. “Ugh, darlin’...Nothing since you. By the way, our last time was rudely interrupted by your friend Shane. Speaking of...where...is he?” Negan had looked over at the police cruiser.

“He’s working at the station today. We’re all good.”

Negan exhaled deeply. “Good.”

“So. You think I’m just gonna fuck you? You have a lot of making up to do before any of that shit happens.” Rick crossed his arms.

Negan whistled. “Shit, really?”

“I just want to tell you everything.” Rick said softly.

Negan smiled gently. “Fuck. Yes. I want to know everything.”

Rick reached into his back pocket, his hand reappeared with a fistful of red.

“You left this.”

Negan laughed wildly at the bandana in Rick’s hand. “Oh my god. Thank you for keeping it. Lucille got it for me. You know I used to wear a black one? But that girl loved red.” Negan took it from Rick and tied it around his neck.

Rick looked at Negan. More silence. “I love red.” Rick said quietly.

And somehow Negan knew Rick meant him.

“I love you too.” Negan whispered.

The two embraced again. But this time Negan kissed Rick. And fuck. It felt like no time passed at all. And this time...standing there...kissing Rick Grimes...Negan felt different. Whole. Solid. Stable. And it felt so fucking good.

“So.” Negan said. “What happens now?”

Rick nuzzled into Negan’s shoulder. “We give this thing another shot.”

“It doesn’t need another shot.” Negan said. “It never will again. I’m here Rick. Forever.”

Rick wrapped his arms tighter around Negan. “Yeah...forever doesn’t sound like a bad idea.”

“Oh, and just for the record...I was only speeding for this occasion. That’s a promise.”

“I know.” Rick laughed.

“So, when do you get off of work?” Negan asked.

“I get off at seven. Meet me at the diner.” Rick said.

“I wouldn’t miss it for the fucking world.”

Rick and Negan hugged one last time and Rick walked back to his car. The two went their separate ways. Rick couldn’t fucking believe it. Negan was there. He was here. In Red Canyon. Again. And he was better. And Rick was better. He finally felt like the universe or whoever-the-fuck was on his side. Or maybe people need to be in each other’s lives at the right time.

Negan drove back to his Red Canyon home. After he got out of rehab he had driven to his house in L.A. He cleaned the entire thing. Went through everything. Kept all the important stuff and left the house in much better condition than it was. But he wasn’t going to sell it. Maybe one day him and Rick would live there. It was a nice thought, anyway. Negan’s small rancher in Red Canyon was exactly like he remembered. And he loved it. Yeah he wanted to just bunk with Rick. But it had been ten months. They needed to take things at a reasonable pace.

* * *

Later that evening Negan had saved a booth at the diner. He heard the jingle from the bell of the door and watched Rick walk in. He waved him over. Rick sat down, smiling the entire goddamn time. A waitress took their order.

“So Grimes...I wanna know everything. From start to finish.”

“You first.” Rick said.

Negan scoffed. “Fine. Alpha took me to New Mexico with her. I figured I could get some help there and still be kinda close...I checked myself into rehab. It actually wasn’t that bad of a place. I mean, it was a lot of hard fucking work. But the place itself was pretty swanky. Then again I’m rich so I guess you get what money fucking buys.” Negan stopped talking.

“What?” Rick asked.

“Shit. I just...you’re fucking eyes are just so fucking beautiful.” Negan smirked.

Rick kicked him under the table. “Keep going.”

“Right. So I did that for like...seven months. But I didn’t wanna just come back right after. I wanted to make sure it actually helped me you know? So I went back to California. I worked on my house there for a bit. Reunited with some people I used to know. Lucille’s family...and it was nice. I felt fucking healed. And then I knew I was ready to come back here. I was worried...that you might hate me. Or be with someone else. Or be a mess. I don’t know. I’m really relieved you’re okay.”

Rick sighed. “It’s weird. You know? Being okay. Being happy. Maybe it’s just all about being content. And happiness is just a bonus every now and again. I’m content. I’ve felt happiness. I feel happiness right now. And that’s...all I can ask for these days.”

Negan smiled. “Okay Rick, tell me about your year.”

The two sat in the diner for a little under an hour going back and forth about their last ten months. Rick told Negan about the nightmares and Negan knew he just wanted to sleep with Rick every night. Share the space. Feel safe. Negan had nightmares too. Mostly from the anxieties that happened with trying to quit drugs and alcohol. It was hard. But it led to this. To progress. Rick told Negan about Carl. About how Carl asked Enid to prom with the help of the other guys on the baseball team. After winning one of their games, Carl and the team pulled out a huge banner asking Enid to prom. She was in the stands. And she said yes, of course. Rick told Negan about Judith’s year of preschool. How she got into fights with the boys and Rick knew he wouldn’t have to worry about her holding her own. Negan laughed and looked proud. And it was all said between them. Every moment and every struggle. Every day of beauty. And now their lives intersected again.

When they finished eating and talking, they walked out into the parking lot. The sun was setting. It casted shadows along the cars and made the chrome on the diner shine bright. It illuminated Negan’s skin, Rick thought. It made him look ethereal. And Negan couldn’t help but get lost in the way the lowering sunlight made Rick’s eyes even more vibrant.

“God.” Rick shook his head. “I can’t fucking believe this.”

“Well, you better.” Negan said, he pulled Rick in close and kissed him. “We should go on vacation or something. The whole fucking family.”

Rick felt his stomach do nervous flips at the word “family.” He smiled up at Negan. “You paying?”

Negan huffed a laugh. “Fucking obviously. We can go anywhere Rick. Disneyworld. The fucking...BAHAMAS. Fucking... _Australia._ Anywhere Rick. Just name the place.”

“Right now...I just want to you come over my place.” Rick said. “You want to?”

“Of fucking course.” Negan smiled.

“But I’ll think of something. Judith would love Disneyworld.” Rick said.

“I’d love to see you in some lil’ mouse ears Rick.” Negan smiled wildly.

Rick pulled out his phone and scrolled through his camera roll. He showed it to Negan. “I was a cat for Halloween.”

Negan grabbed the phone. “Oh my GOD. _RICK._ You look hot as fuck in a turtleneck.” Negan laughed. “And you got those...fucking whiskers and shit.”

Rick took the phone back. “See what you miss out on. Now you have to wait till next Halloween.”

“I’m already thinking of ideas for us. We’re gonna out costume every couple in this town.”

Rick laughed. “So...this is it then? We’re doing this for the long haul.”

Negan smiled softly. “Yes.”

“Good.” Rick said, he looked off towards the setting sun.

“Hey...Rick.”

“Yeah?”

“...You feel that?”

“Feel what?”

_“...Something.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AH I hope you guys liked it! (and caught the nod to the first chapter with those last lines...) This story was really fun to write and while I'm sad it's over I'm also happy with how it all tied together. 
> 
> I also think I'm going to start another fic only this time I want to try a slowburn. I liked the fast paced nature of this story but I'm a sucker for slowburns haha. And I think it will be interesting to write a different dynamic for these two. But I'm still working out ideas so maybe in a few weeks? Or when inspiration hits! 
> 
> Thanks for reading!!! <3


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